Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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THE MIND OF A CHEATER

deleted_user
deleted_user
As a former cheater, many of you have asked me questions about what I was thinking at the time. When I was cheating, all I thought about was myself and what I thought that I wanted and needed. I didn't think or care about anyone else. Not my husband or my kids, nothing at all. I didn't care if anyone else got hurt in the process. It was the most selfish act that I've ever done. I've had to live with the fact that I destroyed the lives of 2 families due to my selfishness. But I have come to understand with the passage of time why I did those things. There is no excuse for what I did. But I understand my own self better now than I did back then. I was on a collision course of self destruction. I'm not really a selfish person. If you would ask my friends or family about me, they would say that I'm an unselfish and caring person. But I had to learn about myself and hurt myself to get where I am today. Unfortunately a lot of innocent people got hurt in the process. I still have a hard time seeing myself as I was back then because it's not who I really am. It was just a point in my life that I made some terrible mistakes and hurt some nice people. It isn't easy for me to bear my soul like this because it makes me feel very unworthy of life. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I don't deserve sympathy or pity for my feelings about this. This is a self healing process for me so that I can continue to grow into who the good Lord wants me to become. The really sad part about what I did is that I was raised in a Christian home. But I made my own choices and a lot were bad ones. Only with God's help can I make a better life for myself. If we as humans were perfect, we wouldn't hurt one another. We would always be honest and unselfish. We would always be looking for ways to help and lend a hand to those less fortunate than ourselves. We would have compassion and lay our lives down for a stranger. But none of us is perfect. We just have to strive for perfection one baby step at a time. Because that's what we were instructed to do in the Bible. It's an everyday task for each of us. And some of us, have to work a little harder at it than some others. Because we are so imperfect as humans.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Debbie, I think you can help others immensely. Bravo to you for having the courage to be honest!!
tanjat
tanjat
You know it is interesting for me to hear your side, my H had an affair with my best friend and to this day she has not taken any of the blame and always said it was all his fault....I wish I woulod have heard her say what you said...if that makes sense? thank you for sharing.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just want to share with others what it took me years to learn. If I can save someone else from making the same mistakes that I made, I would lay down in the road and let them run over me with a truck. Everyones situation is different but this is just what I did. So just consider it as one stupid woman's journey through life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i too acted out in a (long) moment of self-destruction so i understand what you're saying.
but remember that if you learn from your bad choices and make better future choices, you are NOT stupid.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you BigDummy. I know that I'm not a stupid person, but made stupid mistakes. I have learned a great deal from those choices. But I'm not through learning yet because my life isn't over. As long as we draw breath, we can learn something that will help us along the way.
deleted_user
deleted_user
you know, the other day in a fit of rage, i asked my SO if he was thinking of me when he was with her and he said, honesty, no. it pissed me off, but then i thought about it and realized i didnt want him thinking of me when he was with her. that was their deal. their choice. i had nothing to do with it. he didnt do it to hurt me, (even though it did brutally) he did it as a selfish act and one he hoped to keep covered up. he didnt do it 'to' me, he just did it. i dont know if it makes it easier or not. none of this is easier, but i have to say that you are a brave woman. you have come to a place where this a lot of pain and you have shed some light on the other side. thanks for that.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sometimes we have to do things in life that aren't pleasent in order to grow. This is one of my crosses to bear. The only way that I can get past the hurt that I did to myself and to others is to be honest about it. And if my honesty can help someone, then what little pain I have to suffer will be worth it. Everyone needs healing of one kind or another. Whether it's emotional, spiritual or physical. Unfortunately I'm in the place where I need all three. Thanks so much for your kindness to me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I appreciate the answer...I have always wondered what goes through a cheaters mind while they are cheating...I dont understand how a woman could just put a loving family out of her mind so she could sleep around but at least I now believe its possible. It doesnt help me much.....but at least its information.......
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh my gosh...some of what you wrote is a carbon copy of what my husband has been telling me. Of course I didn't believe him. You know **HOW COULD YOU BE SO THOUGHTLESS, SELFISH.** Then reading your post I read it out loud to my husband and it made me cry because I thought "maybe he is being honest with me, I need to cut him some slack because he is working so hard at showing me he is a better person" Debbie, I can't THANK YOU enough for the posting.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Tearful, You're welcome. And I'm sorry for all your pain. But you can get through it no matter what he does.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are brave to be so honest. Have you forgiven yourself for cheating? It was years ago. I cheated, but it was after I told my husband I wasn't happy. He refused to give me a divorce. I tried to end it (the marriage). And I cheated because I was so miserable. I know, it doesn't make it right. And I'm not proud of it. But I did TRY to end it. And for a little while, while I was with the Other Man, I felt alive, and good. Unfortunately, it ended. Then I had a few affairs on the rebound. That I am really not proud of.

And to those of you who are wondering, Karma did get me.... I got cheated on. And yes, it hurts. Bad.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hello to you TellTheTruth, Yes I've forgiven myself to a certain point. I know that I'm not that person anymore and that God has forgiven me. Yeah the passion and excitement feels good but it doesn't last. So you come away from that feeling more empty than you felt before. It's like a vicious cycle of highs and lows. It's not easy being the other woman like some people might think. If you love that person, you feel so lost when they leave you and go home to their families. I've been down that same road my friend, you're not the only one who made that mistake in your life. So if I can do anything to help you get past what you feel, just let me know. We're all in this battle together. That's why we're all here. Not to judge but to help each other.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Deb... you are an angel. Hugs to you for your insight.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you for your post. I am trying to let go of the pain my ex caused me when he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our child. My son was born in June. The other woman will be having a daughter with him in December. I want very much to go on with my life and its hard to keep having the pain with it.
Nanayaya
Nanayaya
Thank you. I know it had to take alot of courage for you to share your story. I think it's great you want to help others with the hope that they'll see how much destruction an affair can cause so many people. My H has told me if he would have considered my feelings instead of his own selfish desires he probably wouldn't have cheated. I guess when someone else is paying more attention to us than our partners do it's easier to cheat. My H said it's the worst thing he's ever done in his life and I do believe he's genuinely remorseful. He said he never thought he'd get caught or that I cared enough to even find out. I was at fault too. I ignored him for a long time & focused primarily on my new Grandchildren & he said he felt abandoned. I know how good it feels when another man tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. If our partner's aren't telling us those things it feels good to hear it. I feel special when I get attention. My H also told me it wasn't really about the sex- it was the "emotional" attraction & attention. He said his mistress adored him & he'd come home to my bitching & complaining about everything.
I suppose it's hard for both parties involved regardless of who cheated on who. I think you're an amazing woman for baring all & taking the criticism as well.
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