Sweetie, I totally understand how you feel. I am the better woman, as are you! Many men cheat because of their own insecurities, do not let him turn the blame around onto you! You are the victim in this situation but you do not have to be victimized by the situation. I hold my head up high with an air of confidence that I lost for a while. I refuse to let someone bring me down to their level of misery.

On a personal note, it has been a year since H and OW started "talking to each other again." While it breaks my heart, I refuse to let him know and see my pain. That gives him the upper hand in the situation. I often vent in a journal or to one close friend about it all.

It is never easy to deal with a cheating spouse or the emotional aftermath they leave behind with their cheating and lies. But day by day, piece by piece you can and will pick up the pieces and live a happy fulfilled life!

It is so hard and we all know what you are going through. I went and had my hair cut, colored, highlighted, etc. etc. It's not working. However, I do feel a little better about myself and other people have noticed I look a little different. It's sad when compliments come from the guys at work and not where they need to come from. Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and say what the he## are we all doing to ourselves and thinking. We are much better than the people that cause pain to us and why would we even want them back. What does that say about us and our self esteem. I pray that I can have the strength to go on with my life and be strong and hopefully one day tell my H that it is over and no one will ever do this to me again. Okay sorry a little venting there.

You are the better person. In no way is she better than you. Most of us obsess about the OP either way (if we know them or don't). I hope that fades in time.
I agree with gumborgl. They do cheat because of their insecurities. If they were strong, they will deal with their/our problems the adult way. Ignoring or running from issues never really make them go away. Instead the CS create worse issues by cheating.
Do things that will make you feel better. Focus on you. Don't try and do things that you think will make H feel worse. It hurts more for them when they see that you care less about them or that you are really doing fine without them. Go to the gym or go hiking. Go to the batting cages or driving range and smack some balls...really this helps.

Ladies, the day will come when you are tired of begging someone to be the spouse you want and need in your lives. It takes time: either they will step up and change for the better or you accept them and their cheating ways. How ever you choose to move forward, you just have to ask yourself "is this want I want in 10 years?"

When asked myself that question, i realized the answer is no! I want better for myself. I have given my relationship a year to evaluate it on a weekly, monthly and year basis. If he can't shape up, I am mentally, emotionally and financially preparing myself to love on at the end of the year.

Strength comes from making decisions about what is best for yourself and following through with them. When I started setting guideline for myself and my life. Things became clearer and I stopped stressing about the OW and H and their affair. I started to put me and my needs first - which as a woman, wife, mother is hard to do. This does not make you selfish, it makes you self assertive and self assured. A self assured and self assertive woman benefits the entire family. The AFFAIR is a selfish act - only the CS benefits and brings pain and anguish to the family!

I actually just had this conversation with a friend of mine last night. He asked me quite simply, "why the F do you care about her? she doesn't matter. she is insignificant in this situation. what matters is how you got to the point in your marriage that your H thought it was ok for him to start a relationship with someone else. and she could truly be ANYONE else. this issue is not specific to this woman. if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. the problems still would have been there. her face is interchangeable with a million others. she's not special. she's just a whore your H met online."

These words helped me sleep last night and have been getting me through the day today. At the end of the day, she really does NOT matter. What matters to me is MY husband, MY relationship and MY marriage. She was a temporary outlet that fulfilled some sort of need and was using him in return since she is married as well.

Figuring out what got him to the point of turning to someone else is the important thing ... at least for me. I have learned to pull back from husband ... not to be cold or cruel ... but just to pull back. The more I'm out doing my own thing, the more interested he seems to be. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still going through his car / pockets / bags / phone / computer every chance I get ... I'm not dumb. But this skank that he met online doesn't mean anything to me. I'm here. I'm real. And I am the most important thing in my life right now. He'll either stay or he'll go ... but I'm not chasing his cowardly ass anymore. You ARE the better person in all of this because you stayed true to those vows that you took ... even when your H didn't deserve it. Hold your head up and know that you have conducted yourself in your marriage with honor and integrity.

I know that I don't want to be with him in 10 yrs. I feel like this behavior is not going to change, and now he has brought this woman into our lives. She isn't just going away. I think maybe it's the intimacy I miss, the idea of the wholesome family, and my children to live with both their parents. I can think back to when this affair was non-existent and how frustrated I would get with him. He didn't help much with the kids, he's horrible with money, he sleeps in, wants to hang out with his friends constantly, and buys toys before paying bills. None of that is going to change, so wth am I questioning?

Oh, my.. do I know this feeling. I still have it occasionally.. but have had several opportunities to see the OW and read conversations that have taken place between her and my husband and, while it was really nerve-wracking... I am honestly grateful for it because it helped me to realize that my husband DEFINITELY cheated down. Thankfully, I believe my husband (slowly) realized it as well. I have always had issues with my weight. I am not overweight but have never been happy with the few extra pounds I do carry.. and the OW is very thin. This was all I could see at first- "she is thinner than me, she probably looks better naked than me." But.. over time, I began to notice that this is pretty much the ONLY thing that I can say.

The truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter what the OW does or is... this ugly thing is now a part of their character, and our spouses. It pretty much negates any "superiority" they might possess.. even if they never realize it.

@videogame
My friend just told me that same thing. Stop thinking and blaming the OW. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. The H is really the problem because he found attention outside of the marriage. She may have been the agresser (not sure), but it is the H responsibility as a married man to stop her. I know my friend is right and I should listen, but I would rather blame OW. I would like to try and forgive him...but never her. Nowhere in my vows does it tell me I have to forgive OW.

Ava, lol, it is so true what you said about "cheating down". Why do men always cheat down? my2gems, everyone here is correct; it was never about the OW. For my H, he admitted that she"wasn't really that attractive." At one point, I had asked him if there were any other women and he said, "It's not like women hit on me everyday." Then I asked, "So what you're telling me is that she was just the first woman to throw herself at you. If someone else had thrown herself at you before her, it would have been someone else?" Needless to say, his answer was, "I guess so." So you see, the OW has NOTHING on you! It isn't about her; it's about your H's pathetic need for a good ego stroke.

For my H, when he looked at me and our life together, all he could see was his own failures as a husband and a father. The OW, as my H said, made him feel important. She hung on his every word and pretended to have the same interests, like that stupid Medievil thing. I asked my H, "What, you couldn't find a male friend to talk to about medievil history? You'd ruin our marriage so you can discuss swords with some whore?" I can get venomous, can't I? Stop beating yourself up! It isn't about what you lack; it's about what your H lacks...inside. Don't forget that! Big hugs to you!

Most men cheat down, because the less attractive OW who is not as good as the wife is often the woman who is also so desperate, unattractive and insecure that she thinks it is OK to cheat with another woman's H, and he doesn't have to put much effort into getting her and keeping her around.