I am in pain. I married my first love, my first boyfriend. He has been unfaithful 4 times. He has had anger management issues since I met him and on a few occasions he shoved me and struck me. We separated once in Sept. 2006 but "reconciled" in Feb. 2007. He then moved to Oregon for a job and I stayed in TN. This is when he cheated twice. I later found out that he slept with a coworker before he even proposed to me during the first year of our relationship. The last time was only a few weeks ago. We had technically separated but were still living together because we had no other options. It was on Valentines Day. He told me he didn't even want to be near me for one second of the 14th, so he went and spent the night with another woman. That's still cheating, right? But I still love him. I also still agree with him about being friends because we mean so much to each other. I am writing this because I found myself saying out loud that I was in an abusive relationship and I realized how much that disturbed me. I thought I was a smarter girl. How could I have ended up with someone so mean? And why am I not happier to have gotten away from him? I still find myself fighting the urge to beg for HIM back. He has never begged me to stay. When I told him I had to move back to be with my family, he told me it was for the best. Why? Why does it still hurt so bad? Why do I find myself STILL wanting to save a marriage that is clearly wrong in every possible way? Why?
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