it sounds like you are set that you are for sure going to leave. All BS aside, I think you just need to keep being honest and open with her so it doesn't come a shock when she receives the papers. Good luck to you!

Well cheating on her is not the answer. Sounds like she wants to fight for it and if you cheat on her you will hurt her , so if your dead set against working it out then you need to leave ...trust that your kids know and sence the relationship you too have or don't have ...so your not doing them any favors by staying

Thanks, Synna and th4ween.

I think the best way to describe the situation is I'm kind of resigned to the inevitable if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong, my wife is a great person, but we've become incompatible over the years. We've gone in different directions, which makes moving forward together virtually impossible.

I've thought about leaving now, but my kids would be devastated. I spend a lot of time with both of them, and they're doing really well in school, etc. I don't want any failure on our part (my wife & I) to hurt them now in any way. I just feel that, as adults, they'll be able to deal with the issue better.... Not that it will be easy, but maybe easier to understand/digest...

I hear ya , but just imagine if you stay and you have an affair and they find out, have you asked yourslef what that would do to your relationship? Let me say from first hand experience ..I didn't speak to my dad for three months ....and my daughter knows about my H affair and I can see the distance and wall she puts between them. So just be careful that doesn't backfire on you b/c it sounds like you have a good relationship w/ your children.

Very true, th4ween... I won't do anything to jeopardize my relationship with the kids. Thanks for sharing.

Frankly, I don't want another relationship either so an "affair" most likely won't happen.

How old are your kids, if you don't mind me asking? I know what you mean about not wanting to screw things up for them. That's probably the main thing I'm so mad at myself about, even though my 2 oldest are basically on their own, now. It's good that you're thinking this through clearly before proceeding, too. Yes, your wife might very well be in denial, but if you keep telling her of your intentions, she won't be surprised when the papers are laid out in front of her. Good Luck!!

Hi Ast. My daughter is 13 and my son is 9... I have a ways to go until the time where they're both at a maturity level where they can understand that some relationships just don't make it...

If my wife was willing to change and move forward, I would probably stay in the relationship. Unfortunately, she's stuck in a rut and she has no desire to get out...

She knows exactly where I stand. I'm not the type who sleeps around or has affairs. I'm a great provider; I'm in good shape; I'm an outstanding father... Anyway, you get the picture. I truly believe I've done my part.

Unfortunately, it's not a two way street in terms of effort level.

Yes, you do have a ways to go. What will you do for the next 10 years or so before you feel like you can leave? My sister and her husband divorced when their youngest was 10, and things turned out ok for them. It certainly wasn't easy, but she was tired of living in "nowhere land". However, she has told me she wished they had at least tried marriage counseling first, even though it probably wouldn't have done any good. It's been 7 years since their divorce, and from what I can tell, they're both a lot better off, now!

Wow, if you're really that unhappy, I don't think you should stay in the marriage just for your kids. Although many would disagree, I come from a divorced family and yes, it is true, some kids don't come out of it as well. But life is short, and divorce is a fact of life......and you need to live too. At this point, the 9 year old would handle it better than the 13 year old, which is a super tough age in general. I think you should consider separation, not divorce for a while and see how your kids, you and your wife handle it. I've seen different couples do this and then they get back together or stay apart. It might be a good solution for you, as all parties get use to the idea of things not working out between you and your wife. Good luck to you!

Hey atcrossroads, thanks for the input.

I put my kids needs ahead of my own. I know that might be contrary to what's popular today in our "me" society; however, I truly believe that those two people I brought into this world are my legacy. I will not deliberately hurt them in any way, shape or form.

I struggle with this, as my desire to be in an intimate healthy relationship is in direct conflict with my belief about my kids. My kids will win in the end, but it's very difficult sometimes.

I'm in a very similar situation, but my wife has already cheated - twice. Am giving my marriage one last shot. Though I don't have the same problem in the sex dept, I can relate. If it gets to the point that you're fighting and/or there's tension in the home (hasn't in our case - yet), it may be best to leave. I think that environment is much worse than a cordially-divorced couple. Have friends that divorced recently...the kids are resilient and seem to be fine as long as they understand why. Best of luck!

Just be sure your wife really does understand that you mean what you are saying. She may just think that you are saying these things to try and get her to DO something different - but not really taking you seriously. Have you had long, detailed conversations with her about your feelings, or just mentioned it casually a few, or even several times? My H mentioned his unhappiness often - but always very flippantly, and never appeared unhappy, so I never really took him seriously. Our communication was poor on both sides, so poor that he in fact did seek attention elsewhere, and this left me completely shattered when i found out. It was only then that I really realized he had meant what he said - not that I think this was reason enough to cheat. If he had been able to communicate honestly with me about his needs, I can truly say that it would have been enough to 'shake' me out of my complacency. You have a long time to wait if your sexual needs are high. Are you sure that what you are asking of yourself is possible?? To deny yourself for another 8 or 9 years is a very difficult thing to do. Also, this leaves you far more open to the advances of other women - even if you don't deliberately set out to find one. There is never an "easy' age as far as the children go, but generally the younger they are, the easier they seem to come to terms with it - especially if it is handled well.
Good luck to you, and I hope that you are able to provide your wife with the choice of 'change', before you feel the need to find another relationship elsewhere.

Flyby83 - Thank you for sharing. I really don't know how you guys are able to trust after affairs. I couldn't do it. You're a bigger man than I am to forgive so freely. I was involved in a serious relationship in college, and while I was away doing some Army training, this girl had contact with her ex... I dumped her ass when I returned.. She begged, pleaded, and I didn't cave. A week later, she was dating one of my fraternity brothers. At the end of that year, she wanted me back again.. Nope. I just don't play that game. I do things above board where there's no deception and I give 100%. Once trust is violated with me, I'm outta there faster than greased lightning. No trust = no chance in my book.

Gull - thank you as well... Yes, we've had very long, detailed conversations about my unhappiness - not just in the bedroom but with the relationship overall. I've told her many times that if the opportunity presented itself to have sex outside the marriage, that I would probably do it. I put her on notice so to speak.

In the end, nothing has changed... Sex is a symptom of the overall problem in our relationship. It's really about two people who have gone different directions - or one (me) who likes continued change and improvement. My wife can just live status quo without a care in the world. That's not me and this difference is a major problem.

On the tension issue, I'm way past tension. I'm pretty much at resignation, so everything in our house is amicable. We sleep in the same bed, talk frequently, etc. etc.

We basically have a partnership to raise our children. She says that's not what she wants, but she does nothing to work on those areas in the relationship that have failed. I have done everything to work on those areas. Like I said previously, and I know this will sound arrogant, but the reality is I'm a great provider, husband, father, lover, neighbor, etc. I do it all, and I do it well. I'm in good shape. I make very good money. I attend all my kids games, practices, recitals, etc. I won't talk about my sex life in detail, but I'm skilled in that department as well.

In the end, my wife talks a good game. I know she loves me and I know she will be destroyed once I leave; however, she takes no action to improve. It's almost like she's paralyzed... I will always love my wife as a person. She's a great human being.

Contrary to the cowards who post comments about my situation on other threads, this is not a mid-life crisis.

It's simply a fork in the road with a couple different outcomes. Whatever the outcome, I will be above board and treat my wife and kids with the dignity they deserve.

treating them with the dignity they deserve is really something I think a lot of us would have wanted. I think that's a great idea. I think once you've done everything and put it all out on the table, you should be free to move on and find happiness.