Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Suicide threat was BS

deleted_user
deleted_user
Last week my H treatened suicide and that I would never see him again. He is the one who cheated consistently with 2 OW that I know of the past 7 years simultaneously and God only knows how many before that. I suspect he always has to have someone else around and moves from one to another. There appears to be a pattern. He also slid about 31K sideways and I just caught it while doing the accounting. He threatened suicide because I had called the H of one of the OW and the 2nd OW herself to confirm some of his actions. He said that he would not lose a lifetime of doing good as a doctor to be called up in front of the College for his indiscretions with a patient/employee, who was apparently "not his type". Now a week later he has not spoken to me and also has not committed the big "S". I sent the police to his office to check on him so I called his bluff about that. Yesterday he emailed me and said today we should talk and try to sort this out. Today he came home and did not initiate any conversation. He just said he was tired and we would talk in the morning. Here is where you guys have to help me. I don't want to cave, but I need some words of strength to let him know that he cannot continue in his previous manner. I need to be able to tell him what my position is in non hysterical terms. He has got to see me as strong. People can change and I am willing to give him the chance. Any ideas?
deleted_user
deleted_user
The first time we went through this I was a crying, hysterical mess. I begged, pleaded, and guilted. It got me nowhere. Granted, we did reconcile eventually, but I had no self esteem and he obviously felt he had the upper hand and had me wrapped around his little finger. Yep.. he did it to me again. Well this time I am the one who kept the upper hand. So my advice to you is as hard as it will be, get tough. Getting tough doesn't have to mean you're screaming and yelling. Just get tough and don't back down. Truthfully, the calmer you are the more he'll realize you are dead serious in your demands and expectations. And let's face it, you're not demanding a lot. You simply want a husband that's faithful. I let mine know that in no uncertain terms would I tolerate another minute of it and that if he wanted to pursue a life away from the marriage, he'd do so without me to come home to. I told him he I would not fight him, I would let him see his children as often as he wanted to, but he would have to leave our home. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I hope this helps you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Thriver
Thriver
He does not sound like a good candidate for change, but since you want to give it a chance, I would suggest
1. Counseling.
2. Get rid of any woman in his workplace he has been with.
3. That he be completely open about his time, so that you know if he has any opportunities to backslide.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're right, you have to be strong. After a year of talking and me crying at his indecision, I have finally realized that I need to appear just fine. I calmly told him that I love him but I can't wait for him to figure out if he loves me or her. When he's here I talk "normal" to him and smile. He must think everything is great - I don't care. And I'll tell you, he's realizing that I'm worth it. There's something about seeing us broken. It's not good. So just be "okay" with him. Don't let him see you upset anymore. He'll start to realize why he fell in love with you in the first place and that he didn't crush you completely.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you love him, it's worth the effort. Don't give up. Be strong and keep at it. If he didn't love you he'd already be gone. Hang in there and keep smiling (especially when he's around)
deleted_user
deleted_user
And by the way, my husband's butt is getting the boot tomorrow. No more coming back "home". He's going to realize this is where it's at.
deleted_user
deleted_user
you just need to put your needs above his...tell him he took care of himself and put you last and now you are going to do the same..

let him and yourself know that you are no longer going to be his doormat..your something to be loved valued and treasure not treated like shit..

make sure that you let him know you still do love him but its going to take a lot for him to show you that this is where he wants to be and that it will be on your terms not his...

Take Care of YOU
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you for your input... it all helps. He will be back about 9:30am so I wonder if he really will initiate a conversation then. If I can't make my point for me to have him be totally transparent in everything he does, it will be a total loss of 23 years. I have prayed and will accept what comes. He is the one who has to come clean to move on. He keeps telling me to follow him to see where he goes, but I said I have never done that as I had trusted him and I'm not about to start now. He needs to step up to the plate and become a morally decent person,, if that is still possible.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Good job calling the police. My Brother's wife was cheating on him and when he threatened suicide, she did nothing. He DID commit suicide that night. What I would not give to have had YOU be the one he told of his plans instead of her. NEVER take this threat lightly. I would never in a million years have thought my brother would do this...but he did. Thank you for not being someone that cares so little, you don't take something like this seriously. I wish my Brother's "wife" was half the person you are.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yeah, my H said he'd been thinking of suicide a lot lately too. One thing that is really important honey is that you need to take great care of you. Obviously, try your best to eat right, exercise, sleep, but also professional counseling can be helpful and so can doing things that you like, like being around friends, hobbies, etc. Just remember that you deserve to be taken care of really well, especially during this time.

You write really well, perhaps you should write what you want to say and give it to him or just write it down beforehand so you can tell him. What you said is a good start that you are willing to give him another chance if he is willing to stop cheating. Let him know your terms, what do you need in terms of transparency? Passwords, access to cell, bills, etc? I'd suggest he go to counseling with you. Definitely that he give up the other woman. Just know your terms and stick to them. You will be alright honey no matter what happens. I know it may be hard to feel that right now, but you will be okay and there's help you can reach out to to help you through it - counseling, friends, family and of course us here at DS.
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