I just am mentally beat here. I go to work in a panic because he can only call me there and I don't want him to call. It's funny really, maybe the whole situation has not sunk in yet but I can picture them naked, together in my head and it doesn't seem to bother me...weird. What does bother me, the lies, the dissapointment in myself for staying so long when i had all the signs 1 year ago, how he can just cut himself off from me like he has, how he never says he wants a divorce, how he thinks I am just not going to file and just come back, how I will never get any answers. All of the what if's and why's bother me. I can not change that he had an affair, I can't take it back so I have come to terms the best I can that it happened. I was stupid and stayed, saw the signs and stayed, made excuses. I guess the loss of security of having him there the little that he was, that I was married and didn't have to be out there dating again...I miss him and i hate that I do, I miss talking ot him every day and 2 dyas before this happened he was telling me he was trying to figure things out, I had asked him to come home. He said he did love me...then WHAM! He can't talk his way aout of it this time, she told me and no amount of lying can cover it so he turns his cell off, cuts all ties with me...his best way is if you get caught deny it and run. I called a lawyer today...$500 and you do the forms online, their law clerks do the paperwork, file it and a lawyer goes to court with you. We are a no fault state but I want it to say adultery on there so any smart woman can do a public search and see why we got divorced and know he cheats. We have nothing together so it will be easy. I want them to serve him at work so he is in front of everyone and knows that he is weak and I am strong. I do not know how he will react to me filing, my guess is I will get a phonecall frantic. I will divorce my husband and I will be stading there when the judge says this marriage is disolved and still love him and that truly sucks bad. I need sleep...
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