after reading this it dawned on me that you're trying to be very careful with your wording. Perhaps because some of what you've said in the past has been thrown right back at you. Now this may or may not win me any popularity contest but frankly, I don't give a damn. You have the right to write whatever YOU want to here. This is your place as well as it is our place to vent, cry, and lean on people for support. As far as others dressing you down for whatever it is you write? Well toughen up and get on with it. I have watched you post here for a while now and I keep seeing the same pattern with you. You are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that it comes off insincere and fake. Just be yourself and to hell with anyone who doesn't get that. There's always going to be people out there that think their way is the only way and they know best. That's bullshit. Just post what you need to post and realize that some might question your reasoning and some may not. That's how it goes. Ya can't have the popular vote every single time. Now, as far as your wife? All I can tell you is that you did a lot of damage. Are you doing everything you can to help work things out? I realize you cannot wave a magic wand and heal her. I'm fairly certain you would if you could. Have you asked your wife to sit down and make up a list of things she needs you to do in order to start moving forward? That might help. The entire situation may just need some structure. Far be it from me to give much advice, as I'm in a wreck of a marriage half the time myself. But I come here and write what I want. You should do the same. Best wishes.

The anger she feels I'm sure you know is betrayal. When she gets upset even though it may be a misunderstanding or whatever these feelings resurface.

I like the idea of her making a list. Just reassure her constantly how much you love her.

She sounds like she is still very much angry and hurt. Give her time and whatever else she needs to get through this.

I know your fustrated but just hang in there. Time is going to heal some things you have to do the rest.

Good Luck

Yes, I think her extreme anger at even the slightest thing is definitely a reaction the the whole situation. I know for me personally, the smallest hurt brought out (still does sometimes) the beast in me, and I used that as an opportunity to rage at my husband.
Let her vent, rage, etc. And keep your cool, she will appreciate that later.

You are right....she has a right to be angry. If she is going through anything like I am, she has gone past hurt....and gone to the angry stage.
Three times huh? You have alot of making up to do. I think I would be gone. Are men really that insecure about themselves that they need to findwomen that open their legs to anyone? Give us a break.
If you love your wife, by all means let her know by your actions. Talk to her ....hold her....give her special attention. Men--(not all men) just don't see the importance of showing affection to their wife. It is NOT an unmanly thing to do. My H is like that and it is hard to make him understand what I need from him on a consistant basis.
Good luck with your wife, you need to understand how she feels. We think differently than you guys do....our hurt and our anger goes deeper than you think.

She will never get over this tell she knows that you truley understand how much you have hurt her. Do you really get it? Her spirit has been broken by you and you need to do everything you can to help her repair it. You need to feel her pain. Justkeep loving her.Your dicouragement is nothing compaired to her pain.

OK to start I do agree with what cathy has said, however if I could reach through this screen and slap you upside the head I would!
Your a couple months into this and yet you obviously still dont get it do you? You just cant seem to see the big picture. Its not about going through some freeking process that you just need to sit tight and wait till it passes. What you did destroys marriages! its a deal breaker! its unforgivable! Sure there are many of us still giving our SO another chance and offering them that forgiveness but that decision is not made easily.
this is the second time now that you've said your discouraged. so I ask you can you live with that discouragement everyday and look past it and do the things she needs you to do for the next year? how about 2yrs or 3?
Sure some reading this may say I'm coming down on you but I'm not. I just dont believe that your truly understanding the pain that your actions have brought upon her. and the work that you will have to do to rebiuild a marriage from the devistation that has crushed it.

I, also agree with Cathy. Stop trying so hard to say the politically correct thing here. You have been attacked for it, so, I do understand. But, it is a waste of valuable time.

There is also truth in the last couple of responses. You can't undo what you did. You can't completely fix it by gluing it together with the right words. The crack will always be there. You just have to keep going and see if it springs a leak.

As far as your wife's responses...she is definitely moving through the anger stages. That's actually a good thing. Yes, she's looking for absolute perfection, and that is not who or what you're able to be. So, she's going to get angry at you. Let her. She can't heal until she gets it out. You need to feel her pain and her anger. You need to be able to empathize with what you've done to her.

My wife went through some parts of her depression that are called rages. It didn't matter what I did or said, it was always wrong. If I tried to wash the dishes, that made her mad because I was showing her what a horrible house keeper she was. If I said something nice, she would twist it to mean something else. If I said I was sorry, it didn't matter. She wasn't thinking clearly. She was seeing everything through her hurt and her pain and it was coming out as anger. So, I do know what it feels to be on the receiving end. It doesn't make sense. You feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. And, you are. But, don't pull away. Stay on the front lines and take your punishment for now. Let her get it out. It's one of the best things she could be doing right now. She may be wanting to see if it hurts you. She may want to see you hurt as much as you hurt her. I don't know...she probably doesn't even have a motive behind it. She's probably just venting. See it as a positive thing and deal with it as it comes. But, don't stop trying. Keep on kissing her feet, her butt, and anything else that she throws at you. Let it hurt you and show her how much you're willing to take to work it out with her.

Hey, you cheated on her more than once--and now your worried you might lose her? To be honest I think that would be the best thing for her..sorry to have to say it, but your obviously a serial cheater who has done it more than once.and now that your marriage may end your concerned that what she is feeling is normal...even if you stay together,,do you really think you will stay faithful...You betrayed her and what she is feeling is normal. Im sick of seeing people here say things to cheaters like"hang in there",the truth is when you cheat you risk everything, and if your willing to do that, then you cant complain when it happens....I know this isnt a PC post, but I dont care...

Fyreman hit the nail on the head. My husband risked his job, his family, friends etc. Now it is important. You are not a child. There are consequences to our actions, therefore you must choose your actions carefully. Your wife may take years to work through her rage and pain if ever. It sounds to me like you've put a timeline on her grief. Doesn't work that way. Just when you think you have dealt with it all a word, a sight, a song, a reminder hits you out of nowhere and you are crippled with it all over again. I dont think you get it at all.

I agree that you just don't get it. The pain can be unbearable. This is my H's 2nd affair in over 20 yrs of marriage and although I have told him that we would work thru this, that's what he says he wants, but I'm still wondering if I can. He confessed after the OW sent him a letter to our home declaring her love for him and their child on the way. He initially denied it saying she was a nut case but then he confessed a week or so later and that was over a month ago and the pain is still so bad that I was suicidal last weekend, but we have 4 kids so I knew I had to stay here for them. He continually declares his love for me but I just can't seem to let go of this ugly pain that keeps coming back over and over again. He's a darn good lyer so I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. I suppose I could if I would let the Lord be my guide but although I'm a Christian I'm not Christ and I'm finding it extremely hard to let go of all the ugliness that comes from infidelity. So yes it is an extremely painful process that we the betrayed must go thru to come to grips with what has shaken our lifes, our marriage, our home by the one whom we are supposed to be loved by the most, so you just keep taking whatever she needs to dish out because if you had given her any thought and consideration before having an affair she wouldn't be in this pain now.

Hang in there the anger stage lasts a while but eventually it will get easyer for her to come out it and work through the next stage. I applaud your efferts to help her through this but I also understand you too have issuse to deal with. I hope your able to openly communicate to your wife your needs too. Just keep reasuring her of your remorse and renewed commitment to her and I hope for both yoursakes you are both completly open and honest on what you need in the marriage from each other.Also I hope she dosent get stuck in the anger stage as I did its hard not to want to punish the cheater with anger and bitterness.

Johnna is right. This stage lasts a while and you really need to decide if you are going to have the patience and the fortitude (and quite frankly the balls) to stick it out until the storm passes. My H and I had an argument about this very thing last night. He accused me of deliberatly sabatoging him and pushing him away on purpose with my crazy theories, detective work, snooping and of course anger. We are only 2 months into this and I am unsure if we will recover since I do not believe he will have the patience and understanding to do what he needs to do.

So I guess you really really need to decide if you love your wife enough to be able to take what she can dish out right now. Every single thing you say or do will be scrutinized, analyzed and it may be thrown back out at you. You may get angry, you may think it is unreasonable, but really much of it is not. If you are truly doing the right things and you truly want your wife back, then she will move past this stage. If not, you need to address that with her as well. Good luck.

Usually I hate to pile on but I feel I must concur with what everyone else is telling you. You clearly are not even beginning to grasp how much damage you've done. She should leave you. I'm not saying that to be mean or petty. Past behavior is a pretty good predictor of future behavior. Someone whose done what you have to a marriage needs to make an almost religious transformation to give the spouse any reason to accept that anything is going to change. You might even say you're going to change and mean it but do you even know yourself well enough to say for sure that you can. If you want her to just get over it and move ahead like nothing ever happened (as appears to be the case), you should be upfront with her. Either way, you need to talk to her and you might try something along the lines of the following:
"Dear, I know you don't understand what I've done or why and it's tearing you up inside. I know it will continue to eat away at you for years to come (if indeed you ever stop hurting). I know I am completely responsible because I'm the one who did this to you." Imolina, you had your turn to make unilateral decisions about the relationship; now it's her turn. So, what you say next should be just as honest and ought to give her what she needs to move forward in the way that works best for HER.
The option that indicates you want her to keep trying because you are committed to repairing things as much as possible:
"I know I may never completely repair the damage I caused but I'm willing to live with that as long as you will keep trying to forgive me for the awful things I've done. I will do whatever it takes to make things right again. Please don't hesitate to tell me what you need and don't hold back your feelings. You have EVERY RIGHT to be angry at me and I wouldn't blame you if you hated me for the rest of my natural life. In fact, I understand if you want me to leave and let you start a new life. This will hurt me but I understand why you would feel like you need to do this. I love you so much and I am so so so sorry. Please, please forgive me."
The option that indicates your unwillingness to participate in an extended healing process:
"I know you're very angry at me and you feel that you have a right to be. I feel like I've apologized and you should accept my apology and move on because I'm ready for us to move on with our lives. I am running out of patience with your anger and I am unwilling to continue a life together if it's going to be like this. If you can't stop being angry with me very soon and just let bygones be bygones, we should stop the mutual suffering (you might like this option because it acknowledges your self-pity) and go our separate ways. I love you but I'm unwilling to work to fix the problems in our marriage that I caused."

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ASK THAT!!!? I MEAN PLACE YOURSELF IN HER SHOES....PLACE HER WITH ANOTHER MAN, IN HIS BED-BEHIND YOUR BACK, IMAGINE HER INTIMATE AND SHARING WITH HIM THINGS SHE"S NEVER SHARED WITH YOU. THEN IMAGINE YOU FIND OUT AND SHE TELLS YOU SHE"S SORRY AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.....WOULD YOU BELIEVE HER INSTANTLY? HECK NAW!!!!! SO DON"T LIE!!!! ONE THING YOU MEN NEED TO REALIZE IS WE HAVE DESIRES JUST LIKE YOU. THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE THAT ARE SEXIER THAN OUR HUSBANDS, FINANCIALLY MORE STABLE THAN OUR HUSBANDS, MORE ROMANTIC THAN OUR HUSBANDS, HELL THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE THAT WE JUST WISHED WE COULD BONK AND KEEP IT MOVING LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. BUT BECAUSE OF OUR UN_WAIVERED LOVE FOR YOU CLOWNS WE MAY FANTASIZE IN OUR MINDS BUT WOULDN"T DARE ACT UPON IT. BUT YOU FOOLS LITERALLY THINK WITH YOUR DICKS..WHICH MAKES YOU THE REAL ASS IN THE END. LOOK AT IT THIS WAY BUDDY...YOU COULD HAVE A WIFE LIKE ME. MY HUSBAND CHEATED AND CHEATED NAD CHEATED...SO NOW I'M TIRED AND i"M RIDING NEW PENIS DAMN TIME THE MOOD HITS ME AND IT"S NOT HIS!!!! AND NO MATTER HOW HE"S TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT NOW...HE'S A USED PIECE OF ASS TO ME, I HAVE ZERO RESPECT FOR HIM, AND IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...NO MATTER WHAT.

You need to be there for her as long as it takes. Plain and simple. Its like the aftermath of an earthquake.Theres no easy fix. If she is still willing to stay and work things out,your a lucky man. I'm not trying to be mean. Just Honest.Can she come out of this without bitterness? 3 times is hard to grasp.This coming from a woman that knows.These are things you might want to get marriage conseling for to help with answers. Goodluck,Linda