LOL. Yes...I've also grappled with this. I did feel that I had to let him off the hook. He was scared to death of me. I saw in him the Chik-fil-a parking lot and he almost passed out into his car. My situation was a little different, though. My wife tried to keep in contact with him for a few months after I was told about the affair. And, Brad was smart enough to email me and let me know what she was doing. For a while there, I trusted him more than I did my wife. So, after he kept tattling on her, I had to let the poor guy off the hook. I told him in an email that I forgive him. It was actually kind of freeing to not hold on to the grudge anymore. Yeah, I still get mad at both of them from time to time. But, it was something I needed to do.

I wish I could reach that place. But you know from what I have posted why I refuse to forgive her, though I have forgiven him. Here's why:

She is a friend of HIS family, even though they KNOW what has transpired.

She STILL tries to contact him through the family.

She show up anytime there is a family get together (not intimate but reunions, certain members bday parties, bbq's, etc.)

She insists I took him from her but I met him 5 years before she did.

She has engaged in verbal battles over the telephone with my children.

She has lurked around MIL's home when I was out of town in an effort to see him.

She has visited his workplace before he decided to go to grad school and shown up at the university.

She has tried to cy on his shoulder regarding her failed marriage, like he could help.

AFTER he kicked her to the curb, she sent him a cell phone so that they could talk freely - HELLO, did she not know what "It's OVER meant when he said it with me present???

She has decided that my SIL is her BFF, though my H told her he KNEW it was just so she could have a connection to him.

Father in law was dying and she showed up at the hospital even though she was asked by 3 different family members and my husband to not cause me any more distress.

I could go on and on. Hate is a wasteful emotion but I can honestly say I TRULY hate this woman. It doesn't help that I work in the town she lives in. Fortunately I have not had the displeasure of running into her. Thank God for small miracles.

I have emailed him several times and told him if he was man enough to stand infront of me and apologive and let me say what I need to say to him, that I would leave him alone. I got no response. I told his wife the same thing, she told him and I still got no response from him. I went to his house once and his wife told me locked himself in the bedroom.lol. If he thinks he is going to get off scott free for his part in this he is out of his mind. Any man who sleeps with another mans wife knows there will be consaquences. I do believe if he would step up to the plate and face me about this I believe I may be able to forgive him..

Yeah, Brad was never "man enough" to talk to me face-to-face or on the telephone. Email is as far as we ever got. Of course, I see in him town from time to time and he always turns white and runs the other direction. I guess if I had slept with someone's wife, I might be scared of facing him, too. Anyhow...he's probably not ever going to get over being afraid of you. I don't know that you'll be able to let it go as quickly as I did because at least Brad had the balls to email me back.

I DID get an email apology from her but that was only AFTER I found out she was once again back in contact with my husand. Embarassment prevents me from admitting how many times this made. But I didn't take it seriously. She only apologized once I knew she had emailed him again and before I could decide (in a 48 hour period) whether or not to respond, she once again showed up at a family funeral and proceeded to try to get his attention. He ignored her but why couldn't she see she had no business there, much less any business trying to get at him with me present?

Hugs, Robert! You know, reading this, the guy has already done so much worse to himself than you could ever do with a single confrontation (or even a good beating). The guy HUMILIATED himself in front of his own wife by locking himself in the bathroom when you came to talk to him?! What a wuss! HE has to live with that. His WIFE has to live with that. Knowing what kind of man he really is.

Don't forgive because HE deserves it. Forgive when YOU are ready because YOU deserve it. Forgive when you are ready because this spineless little fraction of a man isn't worth the energy it takes to keep hating him. In the meantime, he's made a right solid fool of himself, hasn't he? Good for you! :)

Oh he will get his. But the question still is should forgive him. I know that I have the right to confront him. After I do confront him should I forgive him?

That's true. Forgiveness is actually about you. But, it is much easier to forgive when there is an apology. I did get that from Brad. He apologized. My wife apologized. So, I think I had a lot easier time going ahead and dealing with the whole mess. If the other person doesn't take responsibility for what they've done, it sure makes it hard to forgive. It is not impossible, but it would be hard.

I agree that it is hard to forgive someone when you haven't met them or they haven't apologized to you. I know my husband is equally as guilty or even more so, but I forgave him to work on our marriage. i never had the chance to confront her. All I know her name is Sara and she is from school. They flirted in class a year ago, met up in Decemember, and had their affair in January. Just thinking about her makes me mad. I would be more at peace if I could forgive her. I can't because I can't confront her. I agree that I probably would threaten physical violence as the OP said. I wish I had the opprotunity to confront her so that I could close this chapter of the book and move on to a new one. However, I would remeber perfectly what the old chapter said and learn from it.

Why forgive him? You wouldn't even know him if it weren't for the affair right? IMO you are only responsible for the relationship you have with your wife.

Finding forgiveness towards the OP is not something you need to say to them or actually even offer them, They sure as heck dont deserve it, However it is what you deserve to give yourself.
Its hard I know, I'm still working on it myself, But I'm doing it by not letting the anger I had/have towards him totaly consume me anymore, I'm slowly letting it go to free myself from being held captive to it. Sure I'm not completly there yet but it is getting better.

I dont know what to telll ya Robert except for I know what you mean... MY H`s slut has called here to tell me how much she loves my H and that I have to let her talk to him.. I changed my numbers all of them... I avoid where she works which totally sucks cause I love to shop at walmart but I know if I do and she is there that I will totally beat the shit out her...My H got a butt whooping from me also ... I don`t forgive either one of them but I let go of most of my anger cause I got tired of the headaches and the sleepless nights and all of that..H wants to work things out and I told him that I could care less .. it was funny when I made him leave he asked her if he could stay there and she said no that he knew she was married and they were just f**k buddies...he is trying very hard to earn my trust and love back but I am a very long way away from forgiving either one of them.. I just let go of all the anger and realized that I don`t need to really deal with either one of them

I have a hard time with this concept. Forgiveness is for us because it does not feel good to carry around anger and rage and thoughts of revenge that could consume us..but should all people really be forgiven all things? i realize we are all just struggling humans and we all screw up but there is something in my way of taking this any further. Maybe in time. I am trying to stay more positive, sometimes it just does not work.

Forgiveness is, indeed, a hard concept to grasp. It is sometimes very hard to forgive someone. I don't think forgiveness has to happen because the person deserves it. If someone murdered my child, I would have a HARD time finding forgiveness there. But, I would eventually have to find a way to forgive because I have to find a way to go on with life. Unforgiveness is a seed that sprouts into anger. Anger grows into bitterness. Once bitterness has grown those deep roots, it is almost impossible to dig it up. And, I can't stand being around bitter people for very long. They just suck the air out of the room.

So, I don't think forgiveness is deserved. I think forgiveness is going to grow into something lovely. Unforgiveness grows into something pretty nasty.

I will NEVER forgive the om. He knows to stay away from me..It may sound harsh but Iknew the guy, He sat in my house, shook my hand and then went out and slept with my wife that night.......sorry I will never forgive him and if It wasnt for the fact that I would go to jail....I would have gone after him along time ago....