I cheated on my H and we are about 2 months into the process of recovering. I have never been a very sexual person. My H and I would have sex a few times a month and that was it. I have never craved or desired sex with anyone really and he was comfortable with my low sex drive. It wasnt something I found pleasure in and wasnt something I considered my most important form of showing love. This obviously is a huge red flag for me as a person that I didnt pay any attention to. I have since started working through a lot of sexual issues that I have with my therapist. Anyhow, my H and I read the 5 Love Languages and found that his love language was overwhelmingly Physical Touch, and more specifically- intercourse. Physical Touch was the lowest of the 5 for me by a wide margin. After having the affair, my Hs need for intercourse has sky-rocketed. He pressures me to have sex multiple times a day and I see that it is his way of feeling love from me and showing me that he loves me. But I am really struggling with sex right now because I see that I didnt value it before because I had sex with another person and because that specific act was what hurt him the most about the whole affair- not the overwhelming emotional component to the affair (the sex part of the affair was minimal because the OM is 3 hours away. It was primarily an emotional affair.) The specific act has really made me feel very rotten inside as a person after doing it with the OM. I was also raped when I was 15 and never spoke a word about it to a therapist until the affair came out. I am just now (11 years later) dealing with the trauma that the rape had on me psychologically and sexually. I try to explain to my H that sex is very complicated for me right now and sometimes it doesnt make me feel good and happy inside for these many reasons. He hasnt really respected that and still pushes for sex on a daily basis. I even tried to ask for a compromise that we have sex 3-4 times a week instead of daily since we were only having sex 3-4 times a month before the affair came out. When I say to my H that I am not ready to have sex or that it isnt the right time for me, he gets upset and hurt. This situation usually ends in a fight about the affair because he is feeling unloved and hurt by me saying no to sex. When I have sex even when I am not in the right mind frame and I am not into it or I dont have an orgasm, he also gets upset and hurt. I am not sure what the answer is. Do I keep having sex with him as much as he needs so that he feels loved and is able to see my love for him, even if it doesnt feel right for me all the time? Or do I really lay down a boundary and require him to respect my boundary even if it means he will be upset and hurt? I am really trying hard to speak his language by having sex with him as much as I can but sometimes I just cant fight the demons in my head surrounding the issue of sex and it makes me cry to have sex. I want to give him everything he needs to recover from this but I am starting to feel like it is disrespectful to me if it doesnt feel right. Help.
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