I often think of that myself, I am dying inside and he can go on like nothing happened, he can make me feel I have to move on too but what he does not know is I can not move on I don't know how to. How can he be at peace with himself knowing the hurt he has put me through. Every day I struggle I wonder how he can be so happy and think everything is wonderful, when I feel nothing but pain and hurt, I feel like my heart has been split open and there is nothing left of it. Why do we put ourselves through this why can we not tell them to f off and try and find the happiness that we long for.

smiles...no - the pain should not be your reward.
your reward should be the same as his - a better husband, a better marriage, and a better sex life.
a marriage is only as strong and as fulfilling as your mutual level of communication.
it sounds like he feels he got his hand slapped for having it in the cookie jar and having done the sorrowful sad sack routine he can go back to his normal routine. and he can go back to his normal routine because you're letting him.
you're putting yourself out there and that means he has nothing to complain about.
you do not have to accept a sub-standard relationship.
you do not have to accept less than you want.
you do not have to accept the pain.
you can stand up.
you can shout out.
you can demand he look you in the eye and listen to your pains and help you resolve them.
you have choices - about what you will and will not accept and what you do and do not want.
make them and then tell him. if he cannot or will not acknowledge your needs and wants, if he cannot or will not understand your pain, if he cannot or will not help soothe your hurting...you do not have to accept him.

SAY NO TO PAIN!

coo-coo-ka-choo!

That's exactly why I keep pointing out that it is NOT us that must change. An affair is not because of something we did or did not do. This is their problem. In order to get past the pain that they cause us when they rip open our hearts, we need to heal. We must take care of ourselves for a while. Remember the airplane crashing analogy. The attendant tells you that when the oxygen masks fall, you put yours on first. Then, you can assist children and others that need help. If you pass out or die, you can't help anyone else. We have to learn to take care of ourselves while we are going through the stages of grief. We certainly should not be concentrating on changing something that THEY say we need to change. That is so screwed up it's sad. They should be doing everything they can to get back in our good graces. After we've had a chance to heal, then if there is something that needs work in ourselves, we can be healthy and ready to do something about it. I went to several months of counseling before I was ready at all to take care of our marriage problems. I had to heal. I had to learn how to take care of myself. I tried to be there for my wife when I could. But, I was up front and honest with her. I needed to deal with my pain and my anger, or I would never get over it. I had to get it out so that I didn't take it out on her or anyone else. She understood. She gave me space. I was able to heal. Then, I was able to work on myself and try to make changes.

You said it"pain is our reward",thats what we get for trying to stick it out while the cheater goes out, has fun, them blames us.

Most days I am glad that things are going well in our marriage. I am glad that I got a little wake up call to what my inability to cope with the cancer has allowed me to do to my life and my kids. I am working on myself. I feel better, I don't yell as much, and pick my battles much better. However, I wish that there would have been some other way to wake up to all of this. I mean, I knew it and I knew that we were tearing our marriage apart with our lack of communication and me not getting the support I needed ALL the time. And let me tell you I mean All the time. I am very spoiled and think that things should mostly revolve around me and what I want and feel. Tho Iknow this is wrong, I have always been this way and he has always been there for me. This cancer put the final strains on a already slippery slope we were on. He chose to talk to someone else about her problems(alot). I know that it could have been worse. And that is one thing that wears on my mind? Would he have taken it a step further? And how do I get it out of my mind?

I don't know why we just can't leave fear perhaps. Maybe the dream of what it could be.