I never considered this ... and I don't think it would be worth it. It is not worth compromising your own standards in order to get even. You will lose respect for YOURSELF in the process. I would recommend NOT doing it.

oh believe me i cosnidered it... i was thinkin about doing it with one of his oldest friends too, i know, i know but whatever.
I never actually did anything with anyone and yet he still continued with the same behaviour... needless to say we are now seperated and im very grateful for that, couldnt be happier.
so really my story was useless in your situation but honestly i thought that if i had done it, it would have made me feel alot better because it would be like being on level playing field and the score is even, ya know? just do what you feel is right for you...
(man, i suck at this whole givin advice thing)

Thanks, I understand both of the points of view. That's how I feel about "being on the same playing field" I really am struggling with this. I am not just some horny guy. I have never cheated on anyone, and I have never really even considered it. But like I said, the thoughts of betrayal are overwhelming. Some days it feels like the "right" thing to do (usually when I am thinking of the details of what happened), then other days I am like "what the hell are you thinking!?"

Bigguy,
If you don't mind me asking, did things work out? I am just asking because I need to know that there is hope, you know?
It takes a "big guy" to not even consider it, I respect you for that. I myself, never thought I could consider this, but it's hard right now.
Thanks.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out ... but infidelity was not the only reason for our divorce. There were SO many things that needed to be addressed. I was completely willing to do whatever was necessary to move forward and work things out ... she wasn't. It takes two people that are committed to saving a marriage for things to work out. In my case, I was committed to the relationship and our family ... she was committed to herself.

same thing we werent just dealing with infidelity either he was very abusive also and the cheating just put it over the top.
i didnt cheat because i didnt want to lower myself to his standards but i kinda wanted to just so it could be like 'ok you did, it i did it lets start over' type deal but for us it just wasnt meant to be.
i sincerely hope you have a better result no matter what you eventually decide to do.
xox

I think the main thing to realize is that your thoughts are completely normal under the circumstances. It's one thing to have the thoughts, and then it's another to think you're crazy for having them. I would never do that to myself, I would feel degraded and I would feel totally disappointed in myself and feel I had sinned against God, but the thought has crossed my mind. Not really for a relationship, but just to maybe understand that he can really have no feelings for her anymore, and also to have him know what I am going through emotionally and experience it himself. But in the long run, what would it help? Nothing. Don't do it to yourself. But also don't beat yourself up for having the thoughts because I think all of us have had them.

Don't do it. You'll only regret it. If you want to work it out, you have to forgive. Doesn't mean you'll forget, or ever have the blind trust you once had, but you must forgive.

Plain and simple-don't do it.
Obviously infidelity is not something in your moral make-up. Not that there is ever an appropriate reason to have an affair, but a revenge affair is pretty bad. Don't become the thing you despise because you are probbaly going to end up hurting yourself more than her.
Here is what will happen: You have the affair and she finds out because the only way te revenge thing works is if she knows. She'll do one of two thigns- freak out on you and go out and screw more guys to get back at you which will make you feel worse; or she wont think it is too big a deal becuase she is already doing it and then go out and screw more guys thinking your behavior has justified it which makes you feel worse. Either way, you lose.
WHat is NOT going to happen- you do the revenge affair, she finds out and then is soooo heartbroken she vows never to be with another man if you take her back and blah blah blah.
Unfortuanely, if she is cheating with 2 guys, the cheating isnt about emotions-its about getting some on the side. Its who she is and it is going to continue.
Look, by doing the revenge affair you will become like her-you will become the thing you despise. You're better than that.
Leave her.
W

REVENGE AFFAIR...ah yes I have threatened I was going to have one. Yes the thought totally made me sick. I know I could never did it, or want to. But I throw it at my husband. Because when I ask him if he knows how I feel, he tells me no I can't imagine how you feel. Can't even say. I don't totally know how you feel but I know you hurt. Anything would be fine. Having a revenge affair would give him a taste of what he's put me through. Then he could answer me.He knows I wont sleaze my way to his level but I tell him if I cheated at least I would know how how I felt, because when I asked him what was he thinking when he cheated on me, again I DON"T KNOW, so in my eyes I'm thinking get on the same level as him...oh yes her too. BUT I CAN"T those morals & values I have keep telling me I'm not that kind of person.I am better then a charter and a whore. So yes I think the thought is only natural. BUT PLEASE DON'T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND STOOP TO THEIR LEVEL !! Good Luck

"The thought of doing this litterly makes me sick, and there is no way I would actually enjoy it. I love my wife, but I am having a terrible time letting this go."

I think you said all you needed to say right there. Don't lower your moral standards and do something that would make you sick to get back at her. You're not crazy, sick or an asshole for having these thoughts. In fact, you are not the first person I've seen post this topic either. You'd be amazed at how common these thoughts really are among those of us who have been cheated on.

I know that it takes time to get past the thoughts. Sometimes, I try visual techniques to get images out of my head like I've imagined them getting slashed like in slasher movies, melting when water gets poured on them, poof - going up in smoke, I've imagined myself literally walking all over them. Someone else used an image of a big stop sign. Have you been to either individual or couples counseling to help work through this?

I'm not sure that you can know now how you'd really feel after having a revenge affair. Somehow, I don't think doing something that makes you feel sick will be all that helpful. I do understand the thoughts and feelings though. It will take time to work through them. I have heard from someone else on this board that the divorce rate for marriages where both spouses had an affair is like 85%.

You're a good guy. I'm sorry this happened to you too.

Sure, I considered it briefly. The only thing I wanted to accomplish was to make him understand how I felt. Know what? It won't work. It'll only justify them. See, I'm not so bad, you did it. Don't give her the satisfaction. You'll regret it if you do. Sorry man, I'm in the same boat too, 11 weeks today.

Revenge affair, is it worth it?

No...thats all just NO!

I feel EXACTLY the same, I totally want to "get mine" after 8 years of being with her, and especially sex being less than stellar, I would LOVE to get with another person. I don't know that I'd tell her, it's more for my own feelings, just so I feel even. Honestly, I know everyone says don't do it, but I say go for it. I'm trying to find a friend on the side, I don't care if my cheating wife finds out or not.

It looks like I am the minority here but here it goes. I had a revenge affair. It was not in my morals to do so but I honestly think I was having a nervous breakdown from all the information I had to digest from his affair. I will tell you for ME, it was the best thing I could do. I fully respect everyone else's opinions and feelings on this. I felt wanted and attractive again. No need to go into details but it was great and I was sorry to end that relationship. I decided to work on my marriage. The most negative thing that happened out of all this is that the other person got hurt. I fell for him and vice-versa. He initially was revenge for me and it turned into something I didn't expect. In the end, my H found out about it and was hurt but honestly I don't think they could ever feel the hurt they (the cheaters) have bestowed upon us. If they could cheat in the first place, this would not certaily effect them like us! Good luck to everyone out there in this predicament!