Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Responsibility for the Affair

deleted_user
deleted_user
Do any of you feel even partly responsible for your spouse having an affair? Do you feel like if you had been more attentive, more loving etc it would have not happened? I am not saying that I made him go and screw someone else but I do think if I had changed a few of my attitudes/behaviors towards him it may not have happened.

Also what do you constitute as an affair. I have been reading so many posts trying to figure out exactly what an affair is? I have not had sex with another man since my h and I have been together but I did kiss someone else. Before you start to judge me let me explain, My H and I have been married for 13 years and we have 3 kids. He has left me 4 times , the first time I was Pregnant with baby 3, I moved out of my house and met with a lawyer. Well after the baby came we decided to work on our marriage. Fast forward to summer/fall of 2006, he decided he was not happy again and left. I stayed in our house and we went to counseling. Well in Dec 2006, he decided he wanted to work on us so he came home.Part of me thinks it was because of the holidays but anyway in Jan 07, I moved out again. That is when I started looking, I know it was wrong and I admitted my whole mistake to him. I met the guy that I met online, I put up my profile on dating websites the whole nine yards, he told me he wanted a divorce and I even went to the lawyer. So anyway fast forward I went back in May, left again in Aug and filed for divorce in Sept. We are not divorced yet and he once again wants to reconcile.

Many of his activities have come to light since we have been talking about getting back together. He has been having an affair since Jan. He says it is because of what I did but I think that is just an excuse. I ended my online chats with the guy and like I said I met him one time I kissed him and that was it. Am I cheater too? I really believed my marriage was over when I met him. I wanted someone to show me some attention to make me feel like I was worth something. Am I any better than him or am I a cheater just like he is.

Sorry so long I just really wanted some other opinions. I guess the good thing to come out of my little "affair" is that I have learned a whole lot about myself. I am no where near ready for another relationship. I realized my motives were so wrong and that I have to love myself before I can ask anyone else to.

Thank you for listening/reading
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes and no. I feel accountable for seeing the red flags and turning a blind eye. No because he made the choice to do what he did - he knows right from wrong. He's accountable for his own actions!
deleted_user
deleted_user
In the beginning I blamed myself for it. Then I opened my eyes and realized that although there may have been areas of the marriage that needed work, it gave him NO excuse to have an affair. That was something he was lacking in character. And he had a full blown affair. Sad thing is, he had her set up house about a mile from us here. He'd stop in there and give her minutes at a time like some paid whore. Then he would come home and be doting husband and father. Nope.. I do not blame myself for that anymore. That's all on them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
To be honest with you I had no clue that we were having "problems" my husband say's we weren't. He just had an ego boost with the attention the other women gave him and knowing he had a faithful wife at home. My husband never spent money on these women, the longest he spent with one was 30 days. Then their was really no face to face contact but with one after 4yrs of nothing, nothing happened it was a very short visist. My husband Always hugged me, snuggled with me did everything a happy husband would do. We have been going to our MC and he has said that the problem was in my husband not me or our marriage, and my husband agrees because he has said many times he has always been happy with his marriage.He was addicted to the ego boost. To me an affair is if you share ANTHING with someone else, and not let your spouse know. An affair does not have to have sex, I don't even think an affair has to have any kind of contact...Look how many lives are ruined by the internet! I hope things work out for you and the very best of luck.
needhelp62
needhelp62
Not responsbile AT all. He has even admitted that I did nothing wrong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know that it is not my fault that he actually slept with someone else but i believe I could have done some things different to make him happy.

What do you guys think about my "affair"am I guilty as he is. He is having a really hard time letting my moment of weakness go. I really believed we were getting a divorce and was faithful up until he left me the 3rd time. I also never had sex with anyone else. He is still throwing it up in my face. Is it to cover his own guilt?
deleted_user
deleted_user
You know when I found out about my husband's affairs I wanted to go do the very same thing to him. I wanted him to feel what it was like to feel that much pain instead of just imgaine it...I never did, two wrongs don't make a right. If you two are truely wanting to work it out and you both had affairs, then call a truce. You both are guilty, now it is out of your system so to speak, it's out of his (?) Now you two start new !! GOOD LUCK
jimmysquirrel
jimmysquirrel
woulda shoulda coulda.
alright... you are taking way too much of the burden of his cheating on you.
Others have said it better, so i am leaving that part to them.
Now the part thati want to addressis the fact you had an emotional affair with someone, met them, kissed them... now... after that you broke it off... Basically, you got on that road, and started on it, figured out how wrong it was (for a mutitude o reasons), and turned around and got yourself back on the right track.
So, basically... you started, but you quickly stopped it when you got your head back on straight
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, everyone's situation is very different, so it's hard to say if you had any responsibility or not. No, he shouldn't make excuses for his affair just because you kissed someone else. Revenge never pays off! However, sometimes there may be problems that date way back to the past that can cause a person to end up straying. Does it excuse them going outside the marriage? Absolutely not! However, it sometimes happens, and you just have to figure out how to move on from here. Do you want your marriage back or not? It sounds like both of you have had a lot of indecision about that in the past! However, you are moving in the right direction by admitting that you have to love yourself first! Many people aren't loving themselves or even liking themselves, so they end up looking to someone else to make themselves feel good. It's very dysfunctional, and not a healthy way to be! It sounds like both of you would benefit from further counseling to help you figure out whether your marriage is salvagable or not! Take care and good luck!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Responsible for her affair? NOPE. Partly responsible for a bad marriage? Yes. But NOT IN ANY WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR HER AFFAIR. I had opportunities to cheat, too. I didn't. Does that make me a superior person? I don't think so. But, it doesn't make me a cheater. I'm not a cheater, so I'm not in any way responsible for her affair.

As to what you did, it was crossing the line. I understand, I think, where you were and what your mindset was. You thought it was over. You probably should have waited until the divorce was finalized before you started looking again. And, I would NOT like my wife kissing another man. But, that is definitely not as bad as what she actually did. To have your wife sleep with another man is crushing. So, at least you didn't go through with that.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you guys for taking the time to answer and give me your opinions. I want my marriage to work more than anything in this world but I know that I cant make it happen alone. Everytime I think we have a chance he shows me that he is not ready and I dont know if he ever will be. I love my husband and i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But I am slowly realizing that I cant make him love me back.

I know I was wrong, I should have waited until I was divorced but you know what they say about a wounded heart. I wanted for someone to love me and I make a mistake.I think what is so hard for me is that I admit what I did was wrong I have asked for forgiveness from God and my husband. My H feels like that his cheating was justified because I did what I did. That is so unfair, I did not make a good choice but I changed it and fixed myself.

I think the whole thing is that he is not happy with himself and he never will be. I am working on making me happy and everyday I find happiness in something new that I never thought I would myself. I am a good person and I deserve love, I deserve all the things he promised me and someday I will find them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Give me a break. What your husband did was MUCH worse than what you did. Yes, you were wrong, and you know that. But, he actually went through with it. That is his problem and not yours. You could have gone farther and you didn't. So, good for you.
jimmysquirrel
jimmysquirrel
ok... i am going to pick a bone... *pick* ok, now that that is done... you realized it was wrong and stopped!
What did he do?
And you are right , and so wrong about one thing.
You do deserve to be loved.
But not by anyone else... you deserve to love yourself... and anything else is extra.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, I have to agree with everyone on this one! You are definitely on the right track - love yourself, and take care of yourself! It's too bad your husband can't see the good in you, and that you deserve to be loved by him! I think the rest of us can definitely see that about you! Don't keep beating yourself up about what you did, either! Your husband was so wrong to try and justify his actions because of that! Give me a break!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Don't beat yourself up too bad. I know it's cliche', but it takes two to Tango...

For whatever reason, it's a bad marriage. I don't condone his actions, and I don't blame you for yours. Are they both wrong..? Probably so.

This doesn't sound like a repairable relationship, but that's only from what you've shared.. Looks like too much damage has been done... Either way, I wish you both Godspeed.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You guys make me feel so much better. I am really working on loving me and you guys make it so much easier. I wish I could say my marriage can be saved but I really dont think it can.

Thanks so much
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