I think it would definitely depend on the type of situation between all the people involved.

In my situation the OM is a psycho who lied the entire time I knew him and I feel he has lied about his wife and who she really is and even though I "fear" her due to what he has told me about her I still wouldn't want anything to do with her if she were a nice person just because he is so dishonest. I see no point in it since they need to work on their own relationship just as I am working on mine.

I very much want to have a real conversation with the OW. I don't want to through around blame and fingerpointing, I just want to understand more about the way they feel about each other. Not knowing makes my imagination run wild. I would also like to understand what is so special about her. What is this spell that she has on my husband? If I can talk to her, maybe I won't hate her so much. On the flip side, if she understands that I am a real person with real feelings, maybe it will be harder for her to continue with this relationship. You reach a point where you are so completely desperate for something to change that you will literally do anything to bring it about. Even if it means reaching out to the OP.

I think what I'm trying to say is that yes, I think it is possible if that is truly what the everyone's intentions really are, to talk and reach a sense of understanding, but this is purely speculation on my part. I can't speak from experience, yet.

I definitely would. I was the OW to a married man (he lied about his marital status). I wrote an apology note to his wife later, but she only became more angry because of it. I wish she would have talked to me and let me tell my side of the story.

Though she probably didn't want to know, I also informed her later after they split up and he cheated on/lied to me. I thought it would help her ... in some way to know that it wasn't her, it was just his stupid MO I guess. She did not appreciate that either, because I guess she hated me so much. That's understandable. She needed to make me very bad. Well, maybe in some way I helped her by giving her a target when I wrote to her (an enemy to rail against).

but to answer your question more directly, I think it might be possible for it to be productive. Pretty rare for both parties to be that mature, though.

i did speak to the OW, good thing for her is that it was 2 days after i found out, and the rollercoaster of emotions had not set in. i kinda regreted it later because most of what she said he said she made up to hurt me because she wanted me to leave so that he would come to her(but she told me that he always made it clear that he was never leaving his family, and that they could not be together because they would be based on a lie). it was hard knowing which of them was lying, so it was still a lot of unanswered questions. i later wrote the HW a 4 page typed letter. i was able to get alot of things off my chest and i had said all of these things to my husband already(trust me he got it too!). i felt there was a lot she needed to hear. i loved writing the letter because she couldn't speak back. what she had to say means nothing to me, because i know she is a liar as is my husband.

If she wanted to speak to me? I don't think I would do it--not this early in the game. Even if she wanted to apologize, I think it would just be to lessen her guilt. It might make her feel better, but it wouldn't help me. She's already helped ruined my marriage, a talk wouldn't fix it.

Holly, yep, that is exactly the reaction I got from the wife when I wrote her an apology. She was angry because she felt it would help me, but not her.

Understandable.

I am sorry that I was in any way involved with the end of their marriage. I also know that he lied to me about his marital status and that he was a cheater long before he met me, as well as after. So the apology to the wife wasn't to make me feel better... because I put most of the blame on him for the tricks. I just genuinely felt sorry that it happened that way.

Since the OW has already proven herself to be a dishonest person, what makes you think she is a reliable source of information? In my case, I know she wanted him for herself and think she would have said anything to make that happen. Including telling me things to make me leave him.

I called the OW just 5 days ago and we talked for 12 hours straight. And though I learned alot that will help me with my marriage. Hearing all the details really hurts and for the first time since I found out (about the OW and her baby by my husband) more than seven months ago I find myself wanting to sit and cry.

So I would say this had been a healing experiance for me. And I know that the truth is effecting her too.

And yes there is a good chance that she will lie about somethings. But read between the lines. Ask the right questions. And prepare yourself for the truth.

And be willing to give information without sharing the inimate details of your marriage because though you have sex with the same man. You are wife and there are certain responsibilities that come with that title.

I hope you get the closure you need.

I forgot to mention earlier that if you do talk to the OW that you should be careful. The OW may say anything to you just to get you off her back so she can keep seeing your husband. I'm not saying that to be mean. But how can you trust someone that tried to take your spouse from you in the first place? Even if your spouse did hurt them as well - you still don't know the feelings they might still have for your spouse deep inside and they'll say or do anything to keep things calm so they can get back with your spouse sometimes.

But the OM that I cheated with told his wife about me when they moved back in together and even had her call me up and leave a voice mail message screaming at me about how hurt she was like it was ALL my fault. Then two weeks later I see him out and about and he's telling me how he still loves me and hates her and only stays with her for the children and because he feels sorry for her because she can't take care of herself.

Just be careful if you talk to the OP because if they cheated with your spouse one time they can certainly do it again and they can keep whatever information from you that they want. Remember that. It could be worse in the long run if you trust someone that tried to steal your spouse from you.

It's easier to blame someone besides your cheating husband because in doing that it makes you feel at fault. But unless the OW is a friend of yours then it's not her fault as much as it's not yours (especially if she wasn't aware of you.) He is the one who made a commitment and broke it. I spoke to the OW who said she was pregnant and that there was another girl pregnant by him as well as me, but she didn't know about us until the other other girl called her. It's not our fault that these douche bags are lying pieces of $#!+, and if we can have the strength to leave them then they are the only ones that it'll effect, ultimately it's their problem and whatever sorry individual ends up settling for them. So be strong ladies I know I'm trying to e. I'm actually having him take a lie detector test today.

I wouldn't bother with it. The OW flat out lied to me on several occasions. Only when HER relationship was in jeopardy because I let HER fiance in on things, did she begin to spill the truth in a frantic attempt to get me to help her.

My fiance and her are perfect for each other- both cheaters and both liars.

Can't imagine it would solve anything. If I was the cheater I might have my own agenda and tell his/her spouse stuff that would make it better for me. And for that spouse, they would really not gain anything from the discussion. It won't change what has happened. I think it's better to leave well enough alone and try to make the best for YOU.

My ex left once stayed with the OW 3 weeks came crawling back BOO HOO I made a mistake I don't want to throwaway 20 years I dont want my affair to go any further Please believe and trust in me BLAH BLAH I fell for it hook line and sinker and two weeks later he left again So I called the OW I said I hope you will talk to me and I hope you will be honest with me. Was she? I don't know. Did it help ? SUddenly it wasn't between me and him but a real third person was part of our relationship. It made the pain worst but the re ality of heating her story to ld me what a liar he really was. Reality Sucks but I guess it is the best way to go.

So I take back my earlier comment. I spoke to the OW yesterday for the first time and learned a lot. It was all good!