We cannot take away our mistakes. Only try to make things right in the best way we can. I hope also that you do find what your are looking for and that your wife does the same

Tilt,
I'm the wife who's husband told her the exact same thing you posted in your "Reasons" post. That your OW gave you an emotional connection you didn't know you were missing. I really want to understand why?? Why did you cross the line when you knew it was wrong?? Why didn't tell your wife you were unhappy or that something was missing before the affair started?? That is the one thing I can't understand. I have asked my H and he won't answer. He just says the same thing you do. Our marriage was over, he was unhappy and he saw the opportunity to move on with his life.

What about me or your wife?? What made you feel you didn't owe her or yourself the respect to be honest and honorable?? Why didn't you have some self control and end the marriage first??

The difference between me and your wife, from what I gather in your post, is I begged my H for YEARS for any kind of connection, to be included in his life. I begged for emotional and a physical connection but he just cut me out completely and he admits he did so. He did not want me to be a part of his life. So how is it you could build an emotional connection with your OW and not your wife? What makes you think your relationship with your OW which was built on lies and deceit will survive??

I really want to understand.

I stood by my H for over 28 years, married for 23. I never wavered and always supported his dreams and endeavors even when they differed from mine. There were many years I did not like him and the way he treated his family BUT I never wavered in my vows. I want to understand how it was so easy for you and him to disrespect and destroy the person you vowed to love and honor???

I do not agree with what you have done but I'm hoping you will take the time to help me understand the question every victim of betral has, WHY??

You alwasy have someone to talk to on thie site...just remember those who judge maybe aren't the ones who want advice from anyway...those who are open minded that everyone needs a shoulder sometimes...b/c we are all human and we make mistakes! Thats how we grow as individuals based on our past experiences....and for all of you who say you will never cheat...never is a strong word and " never " know what you will do until the situation comes about. If you stay true good for you I admire that and I hope for the rest of my life my H and I can have a trustful monogomist (sp ) relationship ...Tilt you will make it through this , yes you made some bad choices but I am not here to judge you ...I am sure you beat yourself up enough for that :)

Response to post #3...look as humans we all make mistakes,,however adultry is NOT a mistake, unless you accidentaly climb into bed with someone else then YOU made the choice to cheat and hurt someone,,sorry that is not just a mistake...Also you mention that people who say they will never cheat,,that we wont know until the situation arrives,,not true,,,,maybe for you but that doesnt make it true for everybody,,I have never cheated,I have had plenty of opportunities, even after my wifes affair I have remained faithful and honored my vows...Im not judging you or anybody else,,not my place. But I do believe in telling it like it is and adultry is a selfish act, it shows a complete lack of morals,,and it also shows that trust may NEVER be possible in the marriage again....IM so sick of cheaters giving excuses...and no offense but the only people I ever hear saying these things are people who have cheated..I would much prefer cheaters to just say"I did something horrible--no excuses, it was my fault, not yours and I will do everything I can to fix it"...not try to cast blame on others.

Well everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you have yours and I have mine. Thanks for your harsh reply.

Your right about that,,we are all entitled to our own opinion and I can respect that..my purpose wasnt to be harsh,I just dont believe in surgarcoating things...things are what they are and I honestly believe that as humans we will all do bad things from time to time but the world would be a better place if we would all just admit it when we do,,not cast blame on others, just admit it then fix it..thats all.

I totally agree with fyreman and the most important being in the world agrees also...

Not just our opinion, but a spiritual law set in many thousands of years ago...

Many people try to justify Adultery, but there is no justification for breaking the vows that was taken before man and God!!

My Mom just always raised me if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all ...and I better stop while I am ahead

I will respond one last time.

Aprilfool- you can cast all the fire and brimstone you want but it offers nothing.

Fyreman- you at least have taken the time to read what I have said. I can understand your anger. Now try to understand me. I'm not casting blame on anyone. I'm trying to see the whole picture and understand the choices I made. Yes, they were choices and they were selfish. Sometimes our choices are mistakes.

Don't attack my morality. You don't know me any more than I know you. I will gladly take who I am as a person- all my faults included- and stand that against anyone and be proud of it. If you actually knew me I think you would respect that too.

Thanks again to my friends,
Tilt

No Tilt, I am not casting all the fire and brimstone... Open your Bible and read what is there.

God set spiritual laws many thousands of years ago, and what you or I say makes no difference... We live under them and God will judge us, or they may break us...

So sorry that you can't see anyone but yourself, but I promise you that your time will come..

Again not what I say but what our instructor said!!

Tilt don't even reply anymore...let it go

Fyreman is absolutely right. This is not a mistake. This was a choice that you made. You willingly allowed yourself to take off all your clothes and sleep with another person. The truth hurts, but this is the truth. It was no one else's fault. It was your fault. It's very plain and simple. I can't see why you can't see this. It was not a mistake it was a very, very bad choice. The word "mistake" takes too much responsibility away from you. It sounds like you're ready to take responsibility for what you did. But, no cheater can blame anyone else but themselves for their choices. There really is no grey area here. What's grey about a wedding vow to forsake all others? What's grey about promising to love in sickness and in health? Do you only have to love when things are going well? Nope. Not in the promise. Sometimes in a marriage, love is a choice. Love is not always a feeling. Love is mostly a verb. What cheaters do is give their love to someone else to whom you never made that promise and that vow before God, your family, and your friends. Instead, you lie and manipulate and keep it secret. Why? Because it is a mistake? Nope. I don't think so. It is because you made a very bad choice and you knew it was going to destroy another person. But, you did it anyhow. It's not normal to lie about a simple mistake.

Does it make you a horrible person? Not necessarily. But, it does mean that you have some problems that you need to face instead of dimishing what you've done by calling it a mistake. Giving away your love and your attention to another person is a horrible, painful, very bad choice. It absolutely destroys the spouse. To those who have been cheated on and decide to cheat, I can't even fathom that. Why would you want to cut off someone's arm just because yours has been cut off? To those that I've heard who are cheating because their spouse cheated, that is almost worse to me. Not only do you know it is wrong, but you know how much it hurts. So, you're not making a mistake at all. You are willingly inflicting emotional abuse on someone else when you know what damage it does. Sadly, it also damages you even more. Why can't people just do the right thing?

I agree with reply #11

Well said reply #12

I agree with Fyreman and Oopsshediditagain's.

But Tilt you still didn't answer me. This is your opportunity to help us understand. This is your chance to be that stand up guy and help us, the victims, understand what and why our spouses have done what they have. I know your reasons may not be exactly my H reasons but since I get no reasons why from my H I would like to hear yours. Especially since your "Reasons" topic uses the exact words he did. It just might spark some insight for me and give me some new questions I can ask my H so I can help myself heal.
You see you had help destroying your marriage, your OW. You have her to help you now with the fall out of ending your marriage, RIGHT? I and most victims only have ourselves to help pickup the pieces and put our lives back together. We don't have the luxury of a lover to lean you (our spouses) have taken that from us too.

I just want to know how you build such a strong emotional connection with someone in such a short amount of time that you could forget about the vows you made to your wife. How does that happen?? Why was your OW so special??
Please help me understand.