Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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One reason cheaters call it a "mistake"

deleted_user
deleted_user
Unfortunately, in our society it is too easy to brush off major, life altering, choices as "mistakes".

I have watched 3 movies about infidelity on various cable channels tonight. I noticed a recurring theme: The cheaters ALL call their infidelity a MISTAKE. Even the people they make the choice to cheat with, in their efforts to explain to the respective spouses when they were confronted, call it a mistake!

Examples:

From the other woman - "He made a mistake. A MISTAKE!" or "He made a mistake. He was an idiot!". From the husband - "I made a mistake. You can't throw away what we have because I made a MISTAKE." or "I made a mistake. For God's sake, I MADE A MISTAKE!!!" From the wife who cheated - "You can't possibly blame me for a mistake or error in judgement. You were never here. What else was I SUPPOSED to do???"

So in a very small way, we can cite television for making our cheaters chalk up what they did as a mistake (rather than a CHOICE) simply because that is what they believe based on what they may have seen or heard. The really ironic thing is, in all the movies I watched tonight as well as the ones I have seen over the years, it seems as if every one of them refers to infidelity as a MISTAKE! Maybe I'm missing something (?)

All I know is what I and others have stated before: It is a CHOICE, regardless of the reason that this was the road taken, it was a CHOICE and I would wager that only 1% of the cheaters out there had some kind of mental disability that made it impossible to know right from wrong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
They surely know right from wrong and i agree it is thier choice. They know they are acting out against the marriage, the spouse and family but they are in the frame of mind where they feel entitled to do what they want to do. They need to do what they want to do. It's not a mental disability they are working with it is an emotional and spiritual disabilty.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your right.......its not a mistake,,its a choice that someone makes..a choice to cheat..a choice to Ignore the pain they cause.....My wife told me,,"she isnt sorry at all,,,,,just sorry she hurt me"..I guess im supposed to feel better,,she cheated but she didnt mean to hurt me......
deleted_user
deleted_user
AWSOME! my husband will be hearing about this one tonight. Im so sick of his "I went crazy". He didn't go crazy, he made a CHOICE to screw me over. Iam going to get make him say it. Hmmmm Wonder if he will admite that it was his CHOICE to inflick massive amounts of pain on his family and friends. Gosh. That slut must have really been worth it
deleted_user
deleted_user
Damn straight and I am glad someone finally posted on this. I made a HUGE rant in my blog before I took it down. A mistake is AN ACCIDENT, AN UNINTENTIONAL MISHAP.

Cheating is ON PURPOSE ( to get laid, or oral, whatever) , an INTENTIONAL mishap- to get ones needs filled outside of the marriage.

My chronic "mistake cheater" put a ringer on his cell phone "so I made a big mistake, try to see it once my wayyyy".
Um, no?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow, I really needed to read this right about now...He made the choice to cheat and I suffer from his choice...This has gone on way too long...I think now I need to make some CHOICES on my own...Thanks
deleted_user
deleted_user
Nah, I didn't say I had made a mistake just because I saw the word used on television or a movie. LOL! Sorry, but I don't think this is true. IMO you can make a mistake when you choose to cheat. The mistake is not the actual sexual act or cheating itself, the mistake is the part where you chose to talk to that other person and get the ball rolling. I never should have introduced myself to the OM and went from there. THAT was my mistake and it lead to the rest later on.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Forgot to add...I'm not stupid enough to think that I didn't actually make a "choice" to cheat. I know I made the choice to cheat, I'd be stupid if I thought otherwise. But I also made a mistake to ever get involved with the guy in the first place. :-)

Whatever terminiology I choose to use doesn't take away the fact that I was a selfish, disgusting person when I cheated.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I told my H, "A mistake is when you step on someone's toe, miss a typo or even have a car accident!" A mistake is something you do not intend to do! Seeing someone for 6 months, allowing the "Secret Freindship"to evolve into a love affair..IS NOT A MISTAKE! It is self serving. The damage to the family, especially one's spouse is "mistakenly" overlooked. For months or years. That should be his last mistake with me!
deleted_user
deleted_user
um...is this helpful or is everyone just here to rant?

Let's say that someone has a chronic problem with cheating. Would you tell an alcholic to grow up and stop drinking? Is it always a choice? Seems to me that if someone wants to admit and atone, but believes that he/or she needs help, that there should be more resources and/or more support.
deleted_user
deleted_user
According to everything I've read and everything that our counselors have told us, there is ALWAYS a choice involved for cheaters. Are you saying that there is not enough support or help here for cheaters? There are several cheaters on this site that tell other cheaters to grow up and stop making excuses, too. They have owned up to their responsibility and they have done something about it. Go get counseling. You'll not get a whole lot of sympathy here for chronic cheating. We've been too traumatized already.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The biggest resource for the cheater, John, is YOU.

only YOU can WANT to stop cheating, much like the alcoholic you mentioned. They have to WANT TO stop doing it. And then, they actually take steps TOWARDS finding a program that works for them.

if this isnt working for ya here bud, and ya gotta beef with what we have to say, perhaps you need a different kind of "AA" to fit your individual needs, or at least hear only want you want to hear.

Point blank? You sound like a sex addict with a deep seated intimacy issue.

So by all means, please don't RANT AND RAVE that this site is all about RANTING AND raving.

Hello Kettle. I'm Black.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree - it is a choice, the wrong choice because there are always other options in solving whatever the reason is that they feel they want to make that choice. What about the choice of the "other" one. My husband told me not to blame the woman he had the affair with because he went after her! WRONG - she made a choice too. She knew that he was married with 3 children. When his children called her and told her to please stop breaking up our family she did nothing and then when his 12 year old son left a phone message telling her to go and xxxxxxx and go to xxxx his father made him apologize to her in person. Yes he made my son meet her to say he was sorry - I think that she deserved the disrespect. Then she said she was saving the message to press charges for harrassment!!!! Am I crazy to think that this is twisted????
deleted_user
deleted_user
That makes sense.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Okay...here's my 2 cents today.
First to John....ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?? What the hell are we supposed to do? Pat you on the head and tell you how sorry we are you have a problem that devastates all around you? Sorry, not going to happen, that's what AA and rehab is for. Even drug abuse and alcoholism started as a choice, and before you think to tell me I don't know what the hell I am talking about, I have been down this road too. Is the drinking a choice? Maybe not, but getting the help not to do it is.
To betrayed...I too am SICK of hearing mistakes given to choices. Not just cheating, but everything in general, there seems to be this pervasive attitude that is wasn't a choice to do what happened, it was just a "mistake" like magic fairies overtook us all and we didn't have the ability to do anything other than what we did. PLEASE...there aren't many things in life that are true mistakes that don't involve some sort of choice, and cheating certainly isn't one of them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
As someone who cheated, I must say IT IS A CHOICE. And furthermore, I didn't accidentally become friends with brad. I didn't accidentally go to lunch with him. I didn't accidentally flirt. Why do so many who choose to traumatize their spouses and families continually look for some little detail that makes it not their fault. It was my fault. I chose to cheat. The word mistake has no place in the cheater's vocabulary. period.
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