I think they say that at first because of guilt...yes..a wall they put up..but not between you and him..the wall is between him and him! It is himself he is most afraid of admitting what a jackass he is. No excuse though, if it is the first week fine but tell im you expect him to come off his high horse and admit that it is his fault and his alone.

Look under recommendations or at the bookstore for books to help relationships effected by an affair, heal. Learn what your rights are. Do not put up with his denial for very long.

IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT THAT HE CHOSE TO BETRAY YOU!

Good Luck
Nave

You are not the reason they cheated they are. They made the choice. My H tried that one he said "you bitch to much" and my reply was " and you think having an affair would make me stop, think again it will make me more of a bitch" Your SO needs to talk about the problems they are having with you not sleep with another person. That only made the problems worse. I tell my H that it is his fault I bitch to much if he didn't do the things to make me bitch than I wouldn't. It is them trying to lay blame on someone else besides themself and I don't care what you do, it does not justify them cheating.

What do you do? Simply put, you tell that person "Dont let the door hit you on the way out, sucka!"

i'm not trying to be a smartass with my comment...
PACK!

he feels no guilt.
he does not acknowledge your pain.
he accepts no responsiblity for his actions. and in fact, childishly blames you.

think of all the things you'd need to happen for the relationship to work, and by work, i'll be generous and say i mean you can both survive under the same roof.
so just the bare minimum stuff you need.
are you getting of those things or is there a reasonable expectation you will be getting them?

now - think big. think of what you'd need for this relationship to be your barbie dream date happily-ever-after.
do you deserve to have any less than this?

i'll answer this one for you.
NO.
you deserve nothing less.
none of us do.
we all deserve to have our ideal relationships.
we make excuses - staying for the kids, can't afford not to stay together, we're in the same car pool - we compromise and settle.
and we sell ourselves short.

YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
WE ALL DESERVE THE BEST.

Maybe there's more going on ! When my husband was getting close to being caught he was a real jerk...Everything I did was wrong, things had been my fault. He was just down right mean. But after EVERYTHING came out he changed. He talked to me, explained why he did what he did (made no sense to me)the best he could. Told me how sorry he was and I wasn't the cause, he enjoyed the attention, the ego boost. That a "whore" would give him, he knew if he needed the ego boost of screwing with someone other then his wife these type of women had always been ready, willing & able.But still had the supportive wife at home that he knew loved him "NO MATTER WHAT" See if you can find out what is going on? Maybe it's just his guilt, maybe he's still having his affair, maybe their is a child. There can be so much more. GOOD LUCK !!!

Blaming you for his affair because you bitched too much like Teidyedap said, or whatever lame excuse your husband uses, would be like you robbing a bank and blaming him because he didn't bring home enough money. As for no remorse, I don't know how long it's been, but it does seem to take a while. I remember my husband saying, "I don't need this guilt." It seemed so cold. But after everything came out, he turned remorseful really quick. It took a while for him not to blame me, also, but now he realizes it was all him, all his decision, and it wasn't my fault. It may just take time for him to realize that, and, unfortunately, he may have to figure out he may lose you in order to come to his senses. Good luck.

OK Everyone,

I would just like to jump in here because this discussion really hits me between the eyes. I can completely empathize with the situation. My wife has been having an emotional affair. She is blaming the fact that I have worked so hard over the last many years (putting the job above the family) and our lack of communicating our needs mutually that has led to the affair. I don't perceive that she was truly sorry she had the affair. She is sorry she was caught. She is definitely ambivalent about repairing the marriage. She won't read anything, listen to tapes or even watch videos. She has now been going to her family and is driving a wedge between myself and them based on very selective details (she hasn't told them she had an affair). We are in individual and couples counseling. Both clinical and religious counselors tell her she needs to start "taking down some walls". How long does one wait? We have two beautiful children. I love my wife, but right now I certainly don't like her. Here's the killer for me, she won't stop seeing him because he's a key business customer and she's in sales. As of yet, she has maintained that she cannot breakoff all communication, but wow, this is really tough for me to live with.

I've been warned that if I move out to "make a point", the courts will view this as child abandonment and I will not get to see my girls. We both make the same and have about the same retirement savings, excellent credit ratings and all of that but I've been told I can expect to pay 40-65% of my take home pay to the state and my girls will actually see very little of this money (the state will keep it) because of how much my wife makes. I want to work out my marriage. I come from a strong religious background and I do know my work has impacted our relationship. My friends tell me that "One can only fix one. One can't fix two. Two can fix two. One can't fix two." I am focused on working on myself right now to become the best person I can be, in hopes that she can somehow snap out of her state of mind, which is entrenched in cold anger. I believe she is lost within herself. What to do? Feedback comments like "dump her" aren't very helpful to me. The right path is often the most difficult.

You are not the reason, they are. They are a weak selfish coward. Cheating is a choice.
My H also has shown no remorse for what he has done. He has shown no emotion toward the damage he has caused. He told me he didn't do anything wrong. I can be crying my eyes out and he thinks I'm weak. He told me that was the only reason he stayed was I was to emotionally weak to handle it.

I don't think it's a wall I think they are just heartless bastards. Real men don't cry and crap like that.

But, I did force my H to tell our teenagers what he had done. He did breakdown when he had to face them. So at least he has a heart when it comes to his kids.
I knew he had no heart when it came to me or it wouldn't have cheated.

at first I accepted it,blamed myself for her affair,,but after a while I realized that I wasnt the reason,,she could have came to me at anytime if she wasnt feeling happy and talked with me and we could have at least tried to work things out....she didnt...she just cheated and them blamed me...Now I know better, it wasnt my fault,she made those choices on her own...It just makes me wonder how I could ever have married aperson that is capable of hurting some one so much and then feeling NO guilt over it. Sometimes I dont know what is worse,,the fact that she cheated or the fact that she feels NO remorse and blames me for it and just acts like it never happened...

It's all about personal responsibility. Some people can't look at themselves in a truthful and honest way. They blame all the wrong people for their mistakes. They paint the picture to suit themselves and paint it for others to see only what they want shown. If everyone would learn to take the blame upon themselves for their actions, forgiveness and healing would be a lot easier for everyone who got hurt.

I had a very intelligent PhD in Psychology explain to me that that total lack of remorse(among other cheater behaviors) can be attributed to the actions/lack of emotions of a sociopath. A sociopath is someone who can hurt and ruin and destroy others with total lack of regard for that persons pain.... no empathy. There are many books and studies on the link between cheaters and sociopaths(not all cheaters fall in to this category... mine sure did though). I chose not to be around people like that. Burn me once, shame on you... well, you know the rest.

I was also married to a sociopath... no concience... feel that everyone is to blame for the things they do!
There is also no help for a sociopath! I also had a psychologist tell me that! He had to interview both of us during uor divorce and diagnosed me as codependent and him as sociopath! Critical bad combination!!
Good luck to you! I feel for you!!!

Depending on the person, if they do feel remorse, they often must get over the fact that it is not just them involved in this.

First, is the "wall", the sociopath-symptoms.

Then, comes the "why ME", "this is destroying me" stage.

If they are committed enough to get past these stages then they may see how it affected others.

Sadly, most people who do this don't get past taking off the blinders. All you can do is tell yourself that it has nothing to do with you, it is not punishment for who you are, it is them.

I, too, feel my husband has no remorse. I think his lover rejected him and he blames me because he lost her.

How can you forgive him if he's not sorry he hurt you? Sometimes they may be ashamed at what they've done to you but there has to come a point in time where they ask for forgiveness. How can you move on in the relationship if you know that person hurt you so badly but doesn't have the heart to say I'm sorry. Those words can make or break a relationship at times. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now honey. God bless you. Hang in there.