My husband and I have been married for one year and two weeks, after three and a half years of dating and a friendship that started in 2007. One month prior to our first anniversary, he told me he wanted a temporary separation because he was having mental health issues (he has a history of Borderline Personality Disorder and substance abuse) and needed time to "get his head in order" and "work on being a better person." As I had no reason to distrust him at that time, I accepted the separation. During the separation, he continually told me the things I had said and done that made him feel like he had to leave me, and I internalized all of them and worked very hard to address and correct what he said was wrong with me. He also continued to insist it was only temporary and get very angry with me when I admitted on a few occasions that I felt like he was never coming home.
Prior to the separation, we had planned and purchased plane tickets for a vacation to celebrate our anniversary, and because the tickets were non-refundable and the trip was to a place we both really wanted to visit, we agreed that we would both still go but stay separately. On the date of our wedding anniversary, I sent him a long text telling him how much I valued and appreciated the past year and hoped we would come out on the other side of this stronger and able to take pride in how we had handled it. I received no response. After I called him later that day, he agreed to meet with me and, when we saw each other, he told me he missed me and loved me but he really felt this separation was good for him and he was making real progress.
The day I returned from vacation, I was getting some things tidied up around the house and found several notes written to him by a woman he works with, with whom I knew he had a very close friendship and about whom I had previously expressed to him discomfort in regards to their behavior. These notes included "hi sexypants, I miss you," "my home is your home," and a stick-figure drawing of the two of them and her dog with "I love us! See how happy we are together?" written above it, among others. I immediately texted and called him several times to no response. After roughly three hours, he texted me to tell me I was making up a story in my head and he wasn't cheating. I reached out to our phone provider and received months worth of call and text logs showing that the two of them had spoken on the phone upwards of ten times a day and texted each other over a thousand times per month since May of this year. In fact, on the day of our wedding anniversary, while he didn't respond to my text, he did call her at 6:42 am local time, and again several more times, including later that night after I had fallen asleep (I wound up staying the night with him that night at his request). He had also called her the night before we left for our trip (we spent that night together as well as our flight was very early and it was easier on both of us to drive to the airport together), after he was already in our home, but before he laid in our bed with me, held me in his arms, told me he loved me, and then had sex with me.
He is now telling all his family and our mutual friends that I am insane and that I have created a false narrative in my head. To my face and on the phone, he has told me that I'm crazy, that I'm stupid, that he never really loved me, that he wishes he'd never met me, let alone married me. One of my mom's very good friends is a licensed therapist and she said this behavior is highly indicative of an active episode of his Borderline Personality Disorder, and after doing some research, I agree. However, it doesn't change the fact that my husband, the man I promised forever to but only got eleven months (five if you count it over at the start of the affair) with, is gone; he has been replaced with a cold, angry, deceitful, hateful, vindictive man that I don't know and can't believe I ever loved, let alone married.
I am trying very hard to accept that my future does not include him, but I'm really struggling. Unfortunately, instead of being honest from the get-go and giving me the past several months to come to acceptance, he led me on through the entire separation and through the months preceding it during which he entered and sustained this affair, so I'm only two weeks into the true grieving process. I have expressed to his family how much I still love him and just want him to finally be honest with me, but his parents are used to enabling him and are too wrapped up in "ensuring he stays sober" (1. that's on him to ensure, not them and 2. he's not sober and I know it for a fact because I've seen him using) to acknowledge that he is lying to himself, to them, and to everyone else in his life to keep from having to address his own internal issues. I truly do not know how I am ever supposed to get past this without, at the very least, him acknowledging what he did. I have asked for an apology and he told me he had nothing to apologize for, so I don't even want to ask for that anymore; I just want him to admit to the affair so I can move on.
Any support or suggestions would be welcomed. I'm having a really hard time coming home every day to what was our home and is now only mine, driving past landmarks of memories, sleeping alone when I spent years falling asleep to him snoring, reading books and watching tv shows that we used to enjoy together, etc. I know grief is personal and there's no blueprint, but I'd really appreciate if someone out there can at least tell me that it stops hurting so much, that I'll learn to move on with my life, that I'll eventually forgive the betrayal and let go of the pain it causes. Thank you.
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