My husband knows where my ex-lover works and if he went there to confront him it would only make matters worse. So he expected me as an adult to handle breaking it off myself and if I couldn't do that then we were going to have to seriously consider the consequences.

You know I had no problem finally cutting loose from the other man so I could have a decent life with my husband again. Your wife should be able to do the same. You can't blame the "other" man for what your wife "chose" to do on her own free will.

95% of people i have talked to say not to do it. My lawyer said no, my doctor said no, everyone said not to focus on her or him. But dude, I just couldn't accept that. The email I sent the other guy is posted in my journal and it was a healing experience for me just the fact that he knew he wasn't getting away scott free. Just be sure that you can do it without the threats and accusations that could lead to trouble. Be true to your feelings of everything that was good in your marriage and let the other person know what the have helped to destroy. I say helped because remember, it's never their fault alone; it takes two to tango.

Thanks for the response Sappire, I now from other postings that it was probably not easy for you, so again thanks, I appreciate your insight and will consider it.
Lava, I read your journal. It is too bad common sense does not always seem to be prevelent in our legal/justice system.
What I sit and wonder is if he is or has been in the dark as much as I was, does he even know I exist? I want him to know I exist, so he can then decide if this is a relationship he should be in or wants to be in.

That's part of what it gave me - a sense of him knowing I exist. That I am a flesh and blood person and you (he) have caused me pain.

My fiance cheated with someone who was married- he knew she had previously cheated on her husband with other people from work also. I wanted to TELL her husband. Thats all. Just email him. My BF would not have it- he came up with all kinds of reasons why i shouldnt.
He claimes her husband knows she cheates anyway - NO - I didnt know, why assume he does. Also - anything negative she said about her husband --- How could he assume they were true at all. Her husband could be like me - totally clueless - thinking the relationship was fine (every relationship has problems - but for someone to stray... )
I still want to tell him.
My BF also came up with this idea - that her husband would get so mad he would physically attack him or me...
I said - WELL - you should have thought of that before you did it. That is a risk you were willing to take for BOTH of us - why should I be held back from telling him his wife cheats because there is concern for safty NOW?
I dont know.
I realize everyone says you shouldnt do it - contact others involved at all -
but i dont see why not. Why let them get off without having to deal with any problems they helped cause?
You should go about it in a calm, rational and reasonable manner. No threatening, or anything like that...
but why is it so wrong to say " this is the damage you have caused - you have contributed to this damage done to this person / this family..." I dont see why that would be so bad.
YOU KNOW they are in denial about it . Read the posts on this site from cheaters or people who have been with cheaters...they dont think of the other persons spouse/family/partner...at all. They just think of themself.
They should have to confront the fact that the behavior they engage in contributes to the destruction of peoples lives.

But - you should really think about it and be sure it is the best thing for YOU - before you do it.

I dont recommend confronting him, I know you want to but it really wont help, Remember he has no respect for your desires to remain with your wife and probably wont listen if you do say anything anyway. I wanted to do nothing but make my wifes lover hurt the way I was huting and even stood toe to toe with him for a few minutes and when I told him to stay away from her he had the nerve to tell me he was only "defending himself" as I was confronting him. At that point I realized and decided that I would not/could not stoop to his level, I was not going to let him drag me down I was a better person than him ! He had cheated on his wife and almost destroyed my family and my wife ultimatly saw who the better man was and came back to me. We still have a long road ahead of us but were relating to each other better now than we have ever done in the past. Good Luck !