Wives cheating on husbands is rarer than the opposite. As you man, can you tell me why MINE after 20 yrs. has a yr long affair..takes her to eat, dancing, spends countless nights at her house. Unprotected sex. He just went middle f'ing aged crazy. Now he wants me back. I think of all those lies he told and it makes me SO angry. I am the good guy in this case..so I totally understand your position. I didn't do anything but love the ground he walked on.
Your counselor sounds like mine. After all the lies to screw her..now I'm supposed to trust in him and believe him. Yeah, RIGHT!
You can't keep someone that's done it from doing it again and believe me that's where I am now. He says he doesn't want her..but she is there..legs open just waiting for a weak moment from him.( SHE ACTUALLY TOLD ME THIS). Don't be a cheating jerk. You sound wonderful to me. ( I never cheated..never ONCE). Consider yourself HUGGED.

needhelp62,

I don't believe that wives cheating on husbands is rarer than the opposite. I believe that the infidelity bug bites equally both ways.

Regarding the comment about feeling better about yourself ... on this I have to agree with the counselor. After talking to several women, one of the characteristics that women find very attractive about a man is confidence. A lot of cocky jerks give off that aura of confidence. Sometimes it is genuine but other times it is a front they use to attract women. If you are confident in yourself, carry yourself in a way that shows that you like who you are and you know that you area a great guy, it will go a long way. Self doubt and lack of respect for yourself are BIG turn-offs. Good luck.

just remember, all of you.. this had nothing to do with you. its not your fault. if you were different, prettier, more handsome, wealthier, all around 'better' it most likely still would have happened. it is something they have chosen for their own reasons. its their character flaws NOT yours. (ours) dont allow anyone to make you feel less than you are. it hurts so badly, we all know it, but it isnt our fault. it just ISNT!!

Not taking any of the blame is very hard to do, I know I wasn't the perfect guy at the time, I was really busy with work, then would come home upset about it. Was unmedicated (Bi Polar), I was drinking too much, and putting on too much weight (down to 188 from 230). I make pretty good money, but never bought her a new car with all the options she wanted. Now I do think that was pretty materialistic, but then that was also one of the things her family was telling her - that I wasn't taking good care of her because I didn't buy a nice enough house, a nice enough car, etc. That was pretty irritating, but they are small minded people. I digress. I still don't see how my feeling better about myself is going to keep her from doing it again. And dang if I just wish I could understand how a man could be SOOOOOOOO attractive to a woman, that again, would even cheat on a partner she's been with 7 years... I know she said from one of her sessions with the counselor that at her age she's going through a sexual awakening, yeah whatever, should would have been nice if she'd have gone through that with me instead of some jerk.

ok... i am a nice guy... and for the longest time, i had a hard time dating, and all the girls that i knew were fdating jerks! i was their friend, their confidant, and their help in time of need (aka a saviour)... Finally i put up some boundaries because i had been trodden on, and also, i had people that were using me... so i stopped it... and when i did that, but still remained nice, and was still a great friend, just with more confidence, more respect, and acted more like a "man" as they saw it... my friends all of a sudden started being interested in more. Now the coin was flipped, becausei didn't want to date them! Some of the things that they did to people, i could be friends with them, but not lovers. And the one person that i would have considered... well, she is lost in the throes of addiction now.... now, you are blaming yourself... STOP THAT!
This isn't about you when someone cheats on you. It is about them, and their insecurities. Either a person will cheat, or they won't, and theo nly way to find out is the hard way. There might be a few warning signals along the way, but most of the time there is not... so i think it is highly possible you will get burned again. But this is not a reason to not date, or to think any less of yourself, because that is giving the cheaters more credit than they are worth.

It's not you !!! If you kept your wedding vows, you kept the promise to be faithful to her...IT'S NOT YOU !! I don't care how rough things might have been in the marriage, that's why you to talk to together. I think the "CHEATER" has alot of me issues. Oh poor me... I'm stuck in a unhappy marrige ( they talked themselves into one) oh me... LOOK that person is looking at me they think I'm pretty hot, oh me...I can get whoever I want...it's an ego boost, and selfish feelings on the cheaters part. Your wife needs to look in the mirror and see what type of person she is. You know I thought the same thing about my husbands affairs then I seen pictires of the OW. I almost died !! I really don't know if I'm madder at the fact my husband slept with these women or that these women are butt-ugly. GOOD LUCK !!!

Hi Tex,
I agree with you, that how you feel about yourself is not going to change your wife's behavior, one way or the other.

I think your therapist was trying to say that if do not recover from the heartbreak of what your wife did to you, you may not be able to do the work required to maintain, much less repair a broken marriage.

To your therapist I say "shame on her". Repairing your broken heart and your marriage, if it is to be, is the cheater's job! Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, so you can now be able to "please" your wife is not my idea of a solution.

I think you should see someone just for you (a therapist) who will listen to your pain for as long as it takes you to get over it. it can take years and I say that not only because it took me years, but because the psych literature and research states it.

Do some reading, "Not JUst Friends" is my personal favorite because it validates the painful feelings of inadequacy that befall almost anyone, who really loved and trusted their spouse. How else could one feel?

There are many books out there, find one that speaks to you. And find a therapist that puts the responsibility on the cheater, your wife needs to make you feel lovable and desirable to her again. If she will not, then at least find a therapist who wioll build you up and not suggest that "if only you do this" the marriage will work.

You are the injured party. The therapist is your employee, she works for you! Interview a few on the phone and tell them, "I need support and compassion, not unproven rote theories.

Good luck

Yeah, I think it's time to look for someone new. Thing is, I keep feeling like it's all on me, and I don't think it should be, I think SHE should be proving as MUCH as she can she's in this. I just don't feel that, it really feels like she just wants to gloss over it, and go on being princess of the universe where nothing applies to her. It's really becoming quite frustrating as I feel 1) it was my fault she had the affair, it's my fault that 2) I can't seem to get through to her and get her to work on this, and 3) my counselor tells me it's on ME to feel good about her, and trust her. This whole thing is really starting to upset me, and well, as much as I love her, I'm really starting to think it's time to move on. I just don't think I can do all the work, and I don't know how long I can sit around waiting for her to prove herself, or for me to just feel "better." Dangit, I want to be in a caring, loving, fulfilling relationship, is that too much to ask? Why does it have to be so much danged work? Are there people out there that actually love and care about the person they are committed to? I'm really starting to doubt it, I am starting to think everyone is just plain ol mean to everyone else. If you can hurt the one that loves you the most, by all means, go throw leg! That seems to be the mantra of 99% of the people I meet. Ok, I digress, I'm letting this bother me too much now, as always. Just ranting about my frustration now :-) Ok, well, time to go feel good about something else now, god only knows what. :-)

It probably has nothing to do with your looks, or the looks of the other man. It may be an emotional thing she feels she does not get from you and somehow she has justified that it is ok to get that from someone else. It's not Ok to do that. I am sorry for what you are going thru. What I have learned in my little experience - often times, but not always, the problem lies within the one doing the cheating. :(

well, if by, "it time to look for someone new", then you mean that you take some time and learn who you are... then yes... but in all seriousness... it is always a good idea to just be alone for a little while, and get one's head back on straight before getting back out into the dating pool.