Hey! We all understand your feeling like this. Sometimes, it feels like it will never go away. Guess again!

Want some advice? Give yourself three days (and three days only) to totally wallow in this bad mood. Be crabby. Be sullen. Don't answer your phone. do or don't do whatever.

After three days -- consider picking yourself back up, taking back your power, and moving forward.

Lord knows we are all allowed to be cranky. Go for it. But don't give up on yourself.

i wish i could.. wish i had any time to myself or were allowed at all to have these feelings or express them... but i have a two year old and my H wouldn't allow me to anyway... hey, as far as they're concerned we should just get over it and move on, right? we're horrible people for bringing it up or reminding them of what they did.

i don't think it will ever go away.. i don't think it SHOULD ever go away. Something so horrible should never really be gotten over.

anyway, i hope that at least someone is having an okay new year..

I'm back on this one, I guess.

I do want you to understand that I get how you feel. That 'no validation to the entitlement to your hurt.' You have every right to be hurt by what he did. don't forget that. Don't let him forget that either. He sounds like a heel for doing this to you.

BUT how long can you do this to yourself? Or live like this?

I do remember how this felt. Decide to let this NOT destroy you. I don't know if your marriage can be saved, but I do know that sometimes you have to scrape yourself and your kids out of this. If that is all you can do, so be it.

happy new years...

i mean... i don't think i should be devastated forever... but in 20 years i don't want to be able to look back and not feel some pang of pain... because when we forget the pain then what they did doesn't matter anymore.. then everything's the same as it was.. and it's not and never will be or should be. I SHOULDN'T ever trust him again, i shouldn't ever believe he won't do it again... because, in my opinion, that would just be setting myself up for another disaster.. trusting him got me into this mess to begin with. i cannot and will not make that mistake again. that's why it's imperative that it always hurts, at least the littlest bit.

Ultimately it's up to you to DECIDE to move forward. It doesn't mean you don't hurt, it doesn't mean you have to stay stuck in simple misery though. It means you stop and look within yourself to see what your situation warrants... Stay or go...

You said that you don't think that something so horrible should ever really be gotten over. If that's your attitude, then you never will get over it.

Look, I get it too. But there comes a time when the feelings within oneself is more destructive to healing than the betrayal itself. If you can't work it out with your H, then you have to move forward without him. Only YOU can to DECIDE that...

again, i think if you can look back on what happened with no pain at all, then it's a bad thing.. it makes it umimportant and takes away meaning from the betrayal. I also think that if i got to a point where i could look back with no pain it would be because my heart was cold... and i don't want that either. I think what would be destructive would be to forget the pain and completely get over it when you're still with the person... because you're setting yourself up for having it happen again.

I have always been an optimist...

Again, I've decided to move my life in a positive direction but I will feel the pain ALWAYS. I do not let the pain overwhelm me though. I used to in the beginning but as time went by I realized that I would be living in a very NEGATIVE and personally DESTRUCTIVE place. I made the decision to move forward in myself. It did help that my H was remorseful and would talk to me about everything I wanted to know. If he had been closed to that, I wouldn't be here right now.

If your H is not willing to help you through the horror of his betrayal, then only you can decide whether it's healthier for you to stay or leave. You can not live your life trying to make your husband see how bad he hurt you. And you cannot live your life trying to make your husband pay for what he did. Both of those things are negative and unhealthy.

It seems to me that your mind is in a very negative place right now...

like i said... i'm not saying that the pain should stay devastating... but it should always be there, even if just in a small amount.. as a reminder.. like a scar.. it helps prevent it from happening again.

and just my personal opinion... i think the cheaters are never really remorseful for what they did.. i think they are remorseful for making THEIR lives chaotic by getting found out. It takes a selfish person to cheat and they will always see things in how it effects them.

I don't think i'm negative. I think i'm very realistic.

I am a pragmatic person and I'm still an optimist...

Cheating IS a very selfish act... you're right. But, you cannot say that every cheater is not remorseful. I think that some aren't but I live with one that is very remorseful... He has never said the words "get over it".

He could have taken the easy way out. He left and within 2 weeks had broken it off with the OW and had an apartment of his own. My children are adults. He could have stayed in his apartment while we hashed out the details of a divorce. That would have been the easy way... instead, he chose to come home and deal with my pain and his too... his pain of breaking my heart and putting a bullet in our 30 year marriage.

He took the hard way... every day he looks in my eyes to judge whether I'm in pain or not. Sometimes I am. We deal with it as it comes up. It takes a lot of HARD work on both of our parts. Our 30 year marriage as we knew it is dead... and we're slowly burying it's conclusion. It's time to start building on the memories we have that are positive and real and good that are from the past and present.

Again, if your H is unwilling to help you through this my final word to you is to move away from him and start living your life for you.

he left to be with the OW and then got his own place... it sounds like he wasn't even sure if he wanted you or her...i mean.. i don't know how you'd ever forgive him for that... and again.. i have no doubt he's remorseful for damaging your marriage.. because it effects him.. of course, i don't know him and i can't say for certainty (duh.. of course i can't) but i'll say that i don't believe it. don't believe for a second it's for any reason other than how it effects him.

my H is certainly willing to work on things and all that.. he's in therapy and agreed to marriage counseling.. but again.. i know that the main reason is so that he doesn't have to upset his life, lose his son, etc.. he didn't feel bad about it at the time and he knew the pain he was causing.. why would that change afterwards? (for yours or mine)

i also try to look at it from a psychological point of view... it really is, psychologically, more likely and almost exclusively likely, that someone who is self centered and narcissistic and uncaring enough to cheat, cannot suddenly change and think of someone else rather than themselves. A cheetah doesn't change it's spots.. not without years and years of therapy anyway and even then it's sketchy.

hlks he left, stayed with her for a week, broke it off with her and got his own place before I even knew he was sleeping with her. When I say staying with her, I mean f-ing her and sleeping there, they never cooked or ate a meal there or did anything together. He took her two places during the seven weeks they were sleeping together. He never bought her a gift, sent her a note or bought her a card. They were fuck buddies and he humped her and dumped her before I even confronted him. It was never a choice between her and me. God forbid... And it was never about our kids, they're too old to be a factor in a divorce. You can't put out a blanket statement about everyone's situation and tell someone like me who has many years on you that I'm minimizing myself by staying and moving forward.

My husband has never been self-centered, or narcissistic. He, for 29 years and 11 months was the most giving and loyal man I have ever known. Yes his head was fucked up when he chose to cheat... she practically spoon fed him with her neediness and her persistent easiness. Yes he fucked up big time but he was never the cheetah with the cheating spots. If your theory is correct, then he won't change his spots and become a serial cheater. He is back to who he always was... Does that make sense?

All I'm seeing is someone who is unhappy and who will always be unhappy unless something changes... what is the change that you need to be happy? Look within... dig deep hlks, it's friggin' hard, I've done it... I choose to come out on top.

Hey everybody...no honey love it DOES NOT EVER GO AWAY...no matter what SOME people want to FOOL THEMSELVES INTO BELIEVING...YOU CAN NEVER EVER FORGET THAT THE PERSON WHO YOU COUNTED ON IN SO MANY WAYS, YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND, YOUR PROTECTOR, YOU CONFIDANT, YOUR LOVER, YOUR KNIGHT....LAID IN THE ARMS OF ANOTHER. IT'S A NEW YEAR....BUT WE ARE STILl "US"...and it hurts regardless....I hope everyone feels better...try and be happy......

rel, not that doesn't make sense because a person has to be selfish to cheat to begin with and i'm a little floored that you're using the fact that he "just fucked" as it being somehow a little more forgivable?

I'm insulted that you keep insinuating that i'm "choosing" to come out not "on top" as you put it. No, what i'm choosing to do is not be naive enough to think it can't happen again. I think if you don't look back on it with a pang of pain (which you've already said that it DOES still hurt you) then you're either hard hearted or naive... neither is good. It's like if you were walking down a dark alley with a handful of cash and got stabbed and robbed.. being able to feel trepidation is what keeps one from doing it again. That's how human being evolved emotions are there to protect us and keep us from doing the same things again. It's an evolutionary tool that I'm damn well going to use. (although we ignore that evolutionary tool by staying to begin with so it's a give take situation)

Carliss, well put.