Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

It is never about 1 person

deleted_user
deleted_user
I see all the people on here talking about how they felt being cheated on. Do any on you take any blame for why the marriage got to that point? My husband would drink too much, treat me mean as an after effect, forget all about it the next morning. I was left to prove what a jerk he was. He would also go out with workmates till midnight or later up to 4 times a week, heavily eating and drinking. From the start of this, I told him it was a bad idea for our family for him to be gone like that. He ignored what I said for 9 months and left me alone many evenings at home with our very young daughter. Only after 9 months did he start tapering off. And it took the guys that he was going out with frequently leaving town in order for him to really quit. I wouldn't say that's taking care of your relationship or listening to your spouse when it counts. It was only after this that I started looking elsewhere for male friendship. I know I should have at this point just left the marriage if he wasn't willing to change. But I think it's wrong for the victim to have to make all the changes in their life. My husband said I should have been firmer and given him an ultimatum, why is it my job to tell him how he is to act? If I had started going out like him and he had asked me not to and said that it was bad for our family, then I would have stopped. Not 9 months later but immediately. That's who I am. Now because I messed up and cheated on him, I've had to endure so much hateful talk from him and according to him that he has the right to cheat on me and has carried that through.

I feel terribly bad for those people out there that are good people and try their best to be good to their spouses and then one day there knocked in the stomach by learning they have been cheated on. But how can someone not expect bad things to happen when you ignore your spouse for a long time and then finally decide "oh yeah maybe their right and I should pay more attention to them." Well by that time it's probably to late.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Its all about communication. You have to tell the person that you are unhappy with that you are unhappy and why. It is not fair for you to expect them to read your mind. After his affair my husband told me that he had been unhappy for months because I was working long hour, was not talking to him about my feelings, and he wanted more varied sex. I asked him why he didn't communicate this unhappiness to me more clearly rather than just calling me at work and asking when I was coming home. When I would ask him if he was satisfied with our sex life he always said he was very satisfied. I asked him why he didn't tell me that he was so unhappy that he was ready to bail on the marriage so we could work on it. Failing to communicate your unhappiness and then turning to someone else for comfort is a cowardly and unproductive thing to do. Blaming it on the other person when you haven't told them how you truly feel is just an excuse for behaving badly. If you truly want the marriage to work YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE THE GOOD AND THE BAD. Go to counseling. Give ultimatums and do whatever it takes. Make your feelings known to the point that there is no uncertainty about how you feel. Then if the person doesn't change get a divorce before turning to someone else. If you don't want to work on the marriage and want to be with someone else do the honorable thing and get a divorce instead of sneaking around while you are still married.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Im sorry, but I believe there is no excuse for adultery...keep in mind, there are two sides to every story, and yes yours does seem extreme and I could see why you would be unhappy...the thing to do then is leave...bad behavior doestn justify more bad behavior...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well I hope you don't think I didn't communicate with my husband. I think saying "what you are doing is harmful to our family and I'd like you to be home and spend time with me" is very communicative. Was I supposed to give him a weekly update of my unhappiness and where it was leading me to think? Why isn't some of the burden on him to follow thru when someone says 'what you're doing is not good for us?'

I don't think people should have to communicate common decent ways to treat people. Who doesn't know that it's bad to drink too much and then be honery, belligerent, and confrontational to your partner whenever the hell you feel like it? Who doesn't know that if you are coming in after midnight after drinking with coworkers and your family is asleep already several times a week, that's not a good thing.

Besides I expressed my displeasure to him many times before I made my horrible decisions.

I did not need physical attention from another; I needed someone to just plain take me serious.

So I'm not honorable because I didn't leave the marriage when he was the one creating the circumstances? I don't agree. I was lost and not being heard. Do you know how frustrating that is? Why do some get to be jerks and then think they can make up for it later?
deleted_user
deleted_user
fryeman - did you ever think that cheaters don't always know that's the path they're heading into? We might not be experienced in dealing with alcoholism, etc. and our reaction might be wrong. We don't want to give up the 'dream' of our relationship and stay around hoping that the other person might start acting nice again. Then months pass and we end up doing terrible things ourselves.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do know what its like to be lost and not heard..and your right, he should have known how to treat you, especially since you said you told him about it,,your right, if your unhappy and you have told him and he wont do anything,,,you do have to do something about it,,its not fair but its life,,my point is I think there are other ways besides cheating...counseling, separation,,divorce....I would have tried those first.
bigguy3
bigguy3
I can see your point, but there is never an excuse for infidelity. I concealed how miserable I was in my marriage for a long time. I was horrible at communicating with my (now ex) wife. I take full responsibility for my short comings and how I contributed to the failure of the marriage. However, I NEVER considered cheating on her.

She was also very unhappy, was horrible at communicating with me, and decided to emotionally abandon me. We were both at fault for the failure of our marriage ... but only she is to blame for HER choices to spend time away from the family and valuing freindships (either with men or women) above the marriage.

I'm sorry you have experienced backlash from your choices ... but they were YOUR choices. Your husband didn't force you to do the things you did. It was YOUR CHOICE. Take responsibility for your OWN actions and choices. Your husband may or may not take responsibility for his own choices. Trying to shift blame does not solve problems ... it only creates more.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Of course I know cheaters dont always know the path they are heading down,,im not judging you...but you have to remember that I was the one cheated on, and I wish my wife would have talked to me if she was unhappy, never said a thing, im not perfect but I always thought I was a decent man and a good husband..anyway,,this doesnt make you a bad person, its just not a choice I would have made, thats all.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No excuse for cheating. My Dh never voiced that he was unhappy until after the affair. I knew everything wasn't roses. The communicatipn was lacking. I just thougth we were going through a rough patch especially since I was working, taking care of two kids, nursing one child, and doing 100% of the housework. Cheating is selfish. I am not to blame for his cheating. it took me a while to figure that out, but it is true. No matter how hard things get, there are other options.
deleted_user
deleted_user
hey big guy - i admire you for admitting 50% of the problems in your marriage. My husband sought friendships and time away from our marriage way before I did and in very unbalanced ways. On top of that I had to deal with alcoholism on his part that he still thinks is something he can take care of on his own. I couldn't convince him that he actually had a nose on his face. How do you reason with that?

As far as feeling repercussions for what I did, fine with me. But it can get to an abusive point. My husband would make me answer every detail about everything. He would keep me up at night for hours and not let me sleep. Sometimes he'd keep our little daughter up at the same time. He would yell 'f.. you' to me in front of her when i just calmly ask him to let us sleep because i had work the next day. Then if he finally let me go to bed at 1 am or after, then he'd wake me up an hour before i was supposed to get up to talk some more. in addition he would call me for hours at a time during the day making me talk to him. i would have to go over and over the same things again and again. no wonder i finally lost my job last week for being such a wreck there for months. i only endured this because i was beat down.
deleted_user
deleted_user
fryeman - you do sound like a good, decent person and i bet u didn't treat ur wife the way i've described. i was raised very morally and know that adultery is wrong. i wish so bad that i had just left. i also wish that my husband did have to be the way he was and force every one around him to adapt.
deleted_user
deleted_user
mom 2 to - you did not deserve being cheated on but did i deserve to live with an alcholic? no. i grew up with one - didn't need that again in my life.

Besides I was the one at home taking care of our daughter while he selfishly went out just because he could. Are there repercussions for being an ass to your wife? Obviously infidelity is not proper punishment but what is?

why did i have to be the strong one and bust up our marriage? he would have just been mean and said i exagerated things and they weren't that bad.

i hate that i made myself a bad person because of his stubborness - there is no excuse for cheating but maybe i was 'screaming out' for him to listen to me. it was not a planned thing i know.
bigguy3
bigguy3
hstone, it sounds like you were subjected to verbal and emotional abuse in your marriage. I was also emotionally abused in my marriage. You were aware of this treatment and decided to try and "stick it out" to hold onto the "dream" of what your marriage should have been. That is admirable ... however, when it gets to the point that you find yourself trying to find emotional or physical support from another man, then you have made a choice that only you can anwser. Like I said, I NEVER considered cheating on my wife and I suffered through a lot of mistreatment, neglect, abandonment, etc. When the other shoe finally dropped and she told me she wanted a divorce, I went into a depression that required counseling and medication ... but still, I CHOSE to try and save the marriage. I did not allow her choices and behaviors to influence me to seek female companionship outside of the marriage even though I was very lonely during the last few years that I was married. (Ironically, even though I am now alone, I am not as lonely as I was when I was married.)

In my opinion, you should do some deep introspection to figure out what it is about you that led you to choose to cheat ... and based on your posts, it was was with at least two different men. It is always easy to see what the OTHER person did ... it is much harder to do the work to figure out what YOU did.

Good luck.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am going to apologize for my 2 cents before I even get started... I cannot stand the whining by the cheaters! It drives me nuts, then for them to try to blame the blameless.... that really drives me nuts! In your words you husband was horrible!
Well, simply, I don't believe you! You have already proven to be a liar and cheat! Even if your husband were the most abuseive monster in the world... there are alternatives to cheating! It is called DIVORCE!
deleted_user
deleted_user
thanks big guy - i have followed that advice and realized i allowed others to control my environment because that's what i was used to doing in my childhood. even when i cheated that really wasn't what i wanted or needed to do. i just went along with it - my husband says that makes me a slut - i think it's because my father was alcoholic and we never knew what was going to happen next in our house.

I think this was a way for me to take control when i saw things being done to me that i didn't want. i hated that my husband basically scoffed at me and my pleadings with him.

i do not think cheating is right and i hate the 'hole' in my moral character that - let me go thru with this - what other explanation is there but that i'm just a bad person when it comes down to it - i hope god doesn't see me that way because i think he aslo gave me some pretty great qualities as well - i also know that cheating on my husband would be the last thing ever that i would do again - i don't care how lonely, or upset i am - i am willing to be happy on my one - he still thinks we should continue hurting each other and stay together.
deleted_user
deleted_user
jerryjean - i'm sure ur just trying to provoke me or have been cheated on yourself and are hurt from that - regardless have you ever lived with an abusive person and had small children - have you been forced to live under the circumstances that i was - i bet not.

why are cheaters the ultimate horrible people - top of the list. why doesn't verbal abuse and alcoholism rate right up there the same?

and abusive people are very good at controlling people - my husband always said he would stop whatever he was doing and never do it again. that always was bs until the next time he did it.

they intimidate you out of doing what is right for yourself.

cheaters don't whine - maybe they are hurt as well.
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