I am so sorry your H got violent with you. There is no excuse for a man to lay a hand on a woman. You are right; 2 wrongs do not make a right. Did he end his affair? I am assuming you did?
Also, if you want to work this out, I highly suggest some form of counseling. I am really concerned though about him getting physically abusive with you. Was it the first time he did that? How long have you two been together if you don't mind me asking?

I'm sure your H is very hurt by your affair, just because the "L" word wasn't spoken doesn't mean it is any easier for him. You are right two wrongs don't make a right. I'm sure your H may be somewhat doing this because he is hurt and same as you, he just may want to be cared for. How long was your affair and how long ago did your H and children leave?

hmm...dont want to sound desperate?.....Lady, if you love your family and want them back then you shouldn't stop at anything to win them back. Your right in that two wrongs dont make a right.....but from what your posting, you started this. I'm always amazed at how many cheaters on here have such a hard time letting down their pride after they have just TOTALLY destroyed their spouse's life. My advice?...get down on your hands and knees, tell him how sorry you are over and over again. This is not the time to try and stand tall. Right now in his eyes, your the lowest on the planet. So get off your pedestel, and make restitution. While your at it, I'd be asking God for His forgiveness too.

This is the start of the process....to humble thy self.

Good luck

thank you all for your responses. I will try to address everyone. SRSNDE: i am 90% sure his affair is over. We have been married for almost 10 years. It was the first time he put his hands on me and I have never been so scared in my life but I oftem tell myself "i had it coming" beause I refused to open up to him and it drove him crazy.
NIKI1977: my affair lasted less than 6 months. His was less than three the only difference is he started his after he left our bad sistuation. But we are still married and it still hurt even though I had no right to really be upset. I had done the same.
Thank you COWBOYGR2002: I ask God for forgiveness every night. I consider myself to be fairly religious, just out of practice i guess.

Understand that talking about it speeds the healing process. You must show remorse and regret to help him to understand that you know how badly you have hurt him. Two wrongs don't make a right, do you honestly feel that if you had not have cheated your H would have ? You said "I got caught" It might be that is what your H feels that you did wrong. You need him to understand it wasn't getting caught that you regret, cause that's what it sounds like to me.

Thanks BLUEWILLOW: being that you are a man. how would you want a cheating spouse to chore remorse and regret? This is what I need to know. I'm afraid of coming on too strong and/or not being genuine enough for a man's standard. What would idealy expect?

It's different for everyone, you must speak from your soul, truthfully. GLARING HONESTY, no matter how much it hurts you or him, otherwise he will see right through it.

When you made the decision to have an affair, did you think about the risk of losing your family?
The reason I ask, is because I think people get so caught up in their own feelings, and needs that aren't being met by their spouses that they fail to think ahead far enough to see what damage they will be doing to their spouse and their kids.
Be totally honest and open with him about the affair and encourage him to do the same.
Ok, you both made mistakes. Maybe that will in some way level the playing field for healing to begin.
Don't be surprised if it takes a very long time.
What you have to ask yourself, and sometimes that's the hardest part, is whether you REALLY want to stay married to your husband for the right reasons.
Obviously something was missing for you or you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.
I hope things turn out the way you want them to.
God bless you.

I guess that is going to be a hard step for me. I'm not one to wear my feelings on my sleeve. It's worth a shot though...