Not always. However past behavior is usually a sign of future behavior. Only you would know the answer to that one.

well i believe people can change IF they really wanted too. the reason why i displayed this question is because some viewers have been cheated on and still with the cheater. some of the cheaters changed and some didn't. it just gets me when people say "once a cheater always a cheater" in return i guess some people can say "once a nagger always a nagger". good comment jan

Two separate issues: cheating and forgiveness.

1) SOME cheaters change. This is a case-by-case thing... only those with true remorse and a true will to change will change.

2) FORGIVENESS: that's up to you. You can forgive at any time, whether or not you like the person;'s behavior and whether or not you take them back.

In other words, cheating... is up to them. Forgiveness... is up to you.

And please remember that you can forgive/let go (ie, stop being angry and wishing for revenge.... stop being angry!) whenever you are ready... even if the other person persists in their self-destructive actions.

I think it depends how remorseful and horrible your WS feels. I really believe if they want to change, it is possible. Of course, some people will always be cheaters and that is their nature. But, some will deal with the issues inside of them that made it ok for them to stray in their minds. If they work on those issues, I think it is entirely possible to be faithful again.

I guess you can't ever really know for sure though.

i really thank you and enjoyed your responsives. the reason i put that question out there like that, wasn't for me. as i have been on this site, i truly feel AT times, that the relationship that some of these people go through are hopeful.but some of the advice that i read say otherwise. i do believe that some advisors have been hurt to tthe point instead of giving support, theyy use their bad relationship as letting the person think that there is no hope for that indiviual. i hope that people who are going through with this, reads this and know that we know there could be a chance for them and their partners. once again thanks for your honesty and for giving hopes to others. happy easter

It's amazing how twopeanuts and I think alike. I'm just gonna follow her around the site and say "ditto" to all her responses. She feels the exact same way that I do. I would like to add that even though I feel that my wife could change, I don't know if it is enough to overcome what she has done this time. Time will tell on that one!

to confused: are you meaning when you say overcoming, is that you forgiving her, or she might do it again. you can never forget the action and that is understandable with no doubt, but is she was to change let me rephase that- in your eyes will you let her change (even if she has) or will you hold her as the same person from that day on when you found out.

Let me start off by saying that to get past this you do not have to forgive your spouse. I know people in here view that differently. I am reading a book about forgiveness and you can have a life together without it. Some acts are unforgivable. That doesn't mean that I am against forgiving her. I will give it the time it deserves and we'll see.

As far as "letting" her change or holding her the same as the day I found out. - We are going to go to MC. I will take every step I possibly can to make this work. If we get 12 months away from DDay and I am still having the same thoughts or feel the same way about what she did givin the fact that she continues the effort she is showing as far as being remorsful and wanting to be with me and make this family work, then we wil have to discuss seperating. Because if we aren't better after a year of both of us giving our best effort, then it will never work. I'm not saying we will be 100% after a year, but things have to be better.

Sis,
You've given me some serious words to think about. I just realized by reading those few lines that although I have forgiven my husband, I still think of him as the lying cheat who destroyed my faith in hime. I love him dearly but like I said, I've been dealing with this a very long time. It has been a tough battle. I need to try to learn how to see him as the man he is today and not the man-child he behaved like 7 years ago. Thanks.

I do not believe "once a cheater always cheater". I refuse to give into that. I feel that some people can CHEAT ONCE, and learn. I also believe that some people can cheat and cheat and cheat and cheat some more. I believe that every person is different.

I feel that some can cheat and learn what may be a very costly lesson. They could be faced with the loss of their wife/husband, kids, family, home, job, even their way of life. It just depends on the individual. I feel that ANYTHING is possible. There is always hope.

Now as for the forgiveness, that is a different matter all together. I personally have not forgiven my husband. I have accepted that he had an affair. I have accepted that there is NOTHING I can do to change any of that. I am working on forgiving my h. It is much easier to say than actually do. My H is doing everything he can do to rebuild the trust he deystroyed.

I know that I WILL forgive my H. I know that in order for us to totally rebuild our marriage that I need to forgive him, I am just not there yet, but I do work on getting there every day.

Unsuspecting,
How long ago was your DDay? You know today, April 7, makes 7 years for me. I have not forgotten, and although I have claimed to have forgiven, there are times I deep down know I haven't. Like I said, each day is a struggle. I look at him now and I feel the same things I felt all those years ago when I saw him playing basketball in 9th grad, all sweaty and shirtless. But then the emotions of what he did to me creep back in. I know he's trying. I try but it's damn hard to keep trying to put up a brave front. We went as far as we could with therapy although he is still seeing a therapist on his own. I am glad for that but I am still hurt. I always will be. I wasn't perfect but he will tell anyone who will listen, "I have a damn good waman. She made me the man I am today!" When I hear that, it makes me want to come back with, "If I was so damn good, then why the hell did you put your (read MY) d*ck in another woman???"

It depends. If the person who cheated relaizes it's a problem they have, seeks help, and is committed to changing, they might not cheat again. If the person blames others, keeps the selfish, sneaky mindest, continues to lie, and doesn't seek help for their behavior, they will most likely continue to cheat.

Betrayed,

D-day was almost 5 months ago. It will be 5 months on the 24th. My H has made some really great progress with counseling and so have I. We also go to MC.

I truly beilieve that my H has a better understanding of himself now than he did when he started his affair. He has also learned a lot about communicating. He was not the easiest person to talk to. He now KNOWS that communication is as important as anything else in our marriage and that me asking questions and him giving one or 2 word answers IS NOT communicating.

I think we have BOTH learned A LOT about ourselves and our marriage. My H and I have talked about forgiveness of the affair. He knows that when I am ready I will be able to forgive him. I know that once we have gone thru the healing process, I will be in a place that I can offer my forgiveness, and then I think he will actually be able to forgive himself.

We take it one day at a time. Each day it does get easier. We have still have some "dark moments", but we never have "dark days" anymore.

We are making new memories and doing our best to rebuild our marriage. I am filled with HOPE and not hopelessness.

I am happy for the both of you. Yes, I stayed because at the time he cheated, we were almost at the 15 year mark. When I said my vows, I meant them, TILL DEATH DO US PART. That and the subsequent remorse he has shown and contnued loving (that never stopped) has been the reason I stuck it out. It hasn't been easy. In fact it's been damn hard. But, each day he shows me a glimmer of hope, hence the reason I am still here. Believe me, finances never entered into it. I did marry befor I finished college and was all set to quit in my junior year. THANK YOU MAMA for staying on my ass and making me realize that regardless of his promises and how much I thought we were "in love", I would be better off with a degree than without because no one knows what the next day will bring.

It's true for some people. Some people just don't have the self-control or morals to change. But if the offender is taking steps to prevent it from happening again and is genuine in their apology, then you can believe that it won't happen again.