My husband and I are working on reconciling after I found out about his latest affair about a month ago. He swears he's ended it and going back to church has made him a changed man. I made the choice to accept him back and I know that I also have to make the choice to forgive and to trust again, as hard as that is going to be. I've been here too many times before and I don't know why I keep taking him back.

I just wonder what it would be like to have a man look at me and tell me, "you are beautiful", and actually mean it. I wonder what it would be like to have a man find me so irresistable that he couldn't keep his hands off me. My husband knows that if things don't work out with us this "woman" is waiting in the wings for him. She made that abundantly clear. He says he has no feelings about that, but how could he not? He knows he would never be alone, but I know that I WOULD be. I am not a pretty woman. I've recently lost 40 pounds but have another 40 to go. The nicest thing you could say about my face is that I'm plain. I am what I am and I try to do the best with what I have. I'm getting older, though, there's no denying. Just turned 42 a few days ago and the gray hairs and laugh lines are creeping in. Losing weight is great, but that saggy skin isn't going anywhere. Everything sags now . . . sigh . . . I always thought it was the soul you loved, not the face and the body but I guess that's sugar coating it a bit, huh? My husband has never worried about trusting me. Not only have I never given him reason, but also because he's always believed no other man would want me. Sometimes I wish I could prove him wrong, but I don't think I could. Maybe that's why I stay, because I'm too afraid to be alone or maybe I don't feel I deserve anything better, or maybe I really do still love him and keep hoping against hope that we can work things out and he will choose to be faithful. I wonder, am I a saint or a fool?