Well...last night after a good day together, on a long drive to a customers house that I FELL in love with, and looked at Polywog and said this is my house someday, he agreed, and a long drive back, for some reason we got into a spat about the hydro bill. We stupidly signed with a private contractor with it and now pay double, and something mentioned about when he had his shop here at the house 2 years ago, and I said well I told you that the shop would be expensive because it was, the last time you had the shop 2 years ago..he said I didn't knnow that..I very angry because well...the emotionn came up..said " I told you that back then and you said...well pay it and didn't care because you had left just after" He took offense to this said he is not that low of a person and would not say or do something like that unless he didn't care" I then said you ddidn't care all you cared about was getting your dick wet and fucking Dawn, and how you were going to fuck Trish!! Opps...that feel out of my face but felt good. He said his rant that he is not that bad or evil of a man I said Im not making this up I lived it, you were in your place with your depression and bi polar..then when he got home he said if he has put that behind him, and wishes I would too and why did I blow like that, he thought I was moving on..and if I can't forgive him then just let him know and he will go" I told him that of course he has put it behind him, he has know about his secrets with Dawn for 5 years..Ive been dealing with that for 5 months. He goes 5 years?..yeah..you started your affair with dawn in 04, he said he didn't realize it has been that long. I reminded him it was off and on for 3 years..he once again said it wasn't an affair, I don't care what you call it, it was not legal, unfair, and wrong..PERIOD!. He did more yelling, I wasnt listening and was in the kitchen. Afew mins later he came out, said he was sorry, that he wants to be supportive in this, didn't think about how I was still in the raw emotion of it, and if I need to talk about it, he should stop being selfish because that got him in this situation in the first place, and he doesn't want me to feel like I can't talk to him because he will get mad, I told him I do feel that way, and DS is where I get my feelings out. He said he loves that I come in here, say MY truth, and then said, because it has helped us, and he was sorry. I told him I don't want to talk about it, but when I explode or get an emotion to stop and think..wait amin it wasn't the hydro bill back then, it was what he was or who he was doing at that time, and to show some empathy if he was able...He came over gave me a hug said it really hurts him that he hurt me so bad, and knows he won't again. Do I believe him?? I believe he means it right now, but only believe that it won't kill me if it isn't that way. He knows this it hurts him, but he knows he created this. He said he wishes it wasn't with those sl*ts, I said you didn't think of them like that then, don't try to turn this into they are, because that makes you a bigger one. (men trust me, its not a complement, it means your dirty, not a stud) Head down again..he said your right. He knows that I pray for them all everyday, that is how I begin to forgive..Learned it in recovery when I did my steps..and just because I forgave them, he knows that doesn't mean the feelings don't come up every now and again. Not sure why I am posting this, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and reminnd myself (maybe someone else too) that this is a progress not perfection healinng process, and that he is trying, learning, and listening. I'm giving him a positive thing that he did for me..He let me vent my truth, my hurt, my pain, and that WE are still working on it..
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