I'm so sorry. Is there any relief in having made a decision? I know you didn't want things to end up this way. I hope you will be able to stay close with your kids.

Kevin,
If this is going to make you happy, and find some sort of peace with it all...then go for it. And I wish you the best of luck.
Being divorced, with kids, is not easy either. Maybe you could find the single parenting community helpful!

How did you decide that there was no hope left? Sometimes I look at my H and think, can I ever truly love him again? How do you know that your spent? Best of luck, and take care.

I feel exactly the same way. It is over now and I am waiting til after the holidays to tell them. You are right, the fact that we discussed infidelity and its consequences and he did it anyway. That is even more hurtful. He wants to be with me in the worst way and I just can't do it anymore. Good luck.

Is there any relief? - The night she asked me what I was feeling and I told her it made me very very sad. Because I didn't want it to come to this. Some part of me did feel relief though. Because at least I had a direction to move in. Before I was just floating in the middle of nowhere not knowing what was going to happen.

How did I know it was the right decision and the right time to make the decision? I didn't!! I don't think you will ever truly know if it's right or not. At least maybe not for a few years. I second guess my decision everyday.

I guess what I am saying is that it's very hard to know if you are making the right decisions through all of this. Emotions are evrywhere. Only you will know what is best for you.

Sorry if this wasn't much help. I'm not doing well today.

Kevin

Kevin,

Sorry to hear about where you are at. Its reall difficult to deal with.

When I went through the stage your'e at, the following things influenced my decision to have a go at reconciliation:

1) In divorce guys tend to get the raw end of the deal and less than equal parenting of their kids. In most cases the guy loses out and some other schmuck ends up as the day to day father figure to your kids.
2)Marriage isn't all about love between the husband and wife. Its also an incredibly efficient system for raising kids, offers incredible synergies in financial terms, and is the accepted system in all religous faith's.
3)In many cultures the love bit is no where near as important as in ours. (ie: arranged marriages in India)
4)The marriage is severely traumatised, but if everyone including extended family is committed to rebuilding it then there is hope.
5)The emotions you are feeling will simmer down and greatly reduce over time (1-2 years)
6)You can always divorce later.

I can competly understand your decision...when you love someone, that kind of betrayal can be something you never get over...of course she knew there were consequences when she cheated(just like mine did) but she didnt care enough aboutthose consequences, or enough about you or the kids to not cheat....good luck to you.

ConfusedK, So very sorry to hear about your pain and your children's pain...

I understand your place right now, because I have thought about ending my marriage, but at least, I don't have small children... Our children are 35 and 32 years old...

The very best to you and lots of hugs!!

Thank you everyone for your supportive words. They help.

I am sorry about your pain and tough situation. I am there too but don't know how to make the decision, think I have come to the conclusion that i cant take anymore and am done but too scared to envision it, then have a few ok days thinking it can work and maybe eventually i will forget. It is so hard living in limbo. How did you come to the decision and did you try counseling?

Kevin,
I've been where you are- we all have. I am so so sorry you don't feel you can forgive her & move on. In my situation forgiveness was the first thing I did. The truth is I never stopped loving my H no matter how much he hurt me. It's been 27 months since I found out about his affair & almost two years since we reunited. No, for me things will never be the same again but it can be better if we both try. I can't imagine a life w/out him in it. God bless you & I will be praying for you. If you have faith God can move mountains. No one's a saint & I'm glad I had the courage & the faith to give my H a second chance. I don't think he would have taken me back if i had of been the one who cheated. His ego wouldn't have allowed it. Have a great Holiday season w/ your children. Who knows what might happen. Ever heard of miracles?

Kevin, My heart breaks for you, because I could very easily be in the same place. I hope the very best for you & the kids. I admire the fact you are waiting until after the holidays for them. That makes you a very special person. GOOD LUCK

Kevin,you are doing the right thing,I wish now I had done that.
I choose to stay and eventually even forgave her and she cheated four years later and left me.....big time damage,that was just over a year ago and I am still a mess,lost my career and heading for divorce

Kevin.
I think we can only go with our instincts. If my husband can follow through on his promises before the date I have set, then we will make it. But if he cannot, I will leave. it is hard to do either but one can only give it the time we feel comfortable with.

Someone said, it will feel better, after a year or two. It has been two years now for me. At first, I thought I could not stay for evn 6 months! I am better but not better enough to say I will stay. time helps but does not always heal. In your case, you are better off deciding when you are of the frame of mind to do sp/. Otherwise, it will be harder to leave and as the writer above me said, it may happen again and although I think that the 2nd time will be easier, most here have said it is much harder.

I do wish you well and you can be a parent to your children. My son, who I am sad to say, had an affair, was unable to make it work with his ex-wife. she is a wonderful wopman and the children spend half time with her and half time with him. They choose to live a mile apart, a half a mile from the schools, either way, and the children are very well adjusted. It does require more communication with the ex but my son did not want to lose them. I AM proud of him for that.

Take care and dont accept less than you really want.