Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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deleted_user 10/25/2007

I'm sure I can find someone here who can tell me that I am absolutely the most horrible of women because I am in the midst of an affair, an affair that I defy anyone to please, tell me, why it is the most unforgiveable thing in the whole world that the last, and only, time; that I have ever actually enjoyed sex, was when I was 15 years old (hmm, 45 now)and I find someone who makes me feel just as good (or normal, if you'd rather) as I did back then...oh, and by the way, did I mention this was pretty much just after I was raped at 14? Anyway, finding this person...completely not looked for nor sought after, and completely out of the blue...please tell me how incredibly heinous it is to have finally found this feeling again? Yes, I've been married for 25 years, and to the one of the finest men you could ever hope to meet...however my marriage has never actually been of a sexual nature but rather more of a heart/soul connection. I will admit that this is partly because we started our family almost immediately after we got married, and we had only known each other for 7 months before we did get married. I had, I guess, unconciously accepted that enjoying and liking sex was just not going to happen for me, and it really didn't matter a whole lot in the long run. I gave my marriage everything that I was (considering that who I was, was actually a very stunted young woman, please read my journal for enlightenment)and I game even more than that to my children, and now those children have grown, and this situation has happened. I apologize because I'm somewhat drunk at the moment, and that's why this sounds like a pity party but I really didn't know how important it can be. I am in counseling at the moment and I realized that my marriage was over before I even started. I have had two one night stands over the length of this marriage and was told that no. 1: if it happened again it was over and; no. 2: if I felt like that again to just tell him before it happened. Well, I didn't do that, obviously. I could tell you it's because I didn't want to hurt him, and that would certainly be true, but at the same time, it really did come so out of the blue and my reaction to the seduction was so immediate and powerful...I've realized that I need a physical connection and I certainly have this with the OP and not only that, well..if you read my journal entries you will know...I am in the caretaker kind of mode, I suppose. Please don't judge me.

deleted_user 10/25/2007

Honey, I think you're in a tangled web right now. It may feel good right now but adultery never ends up well for anyone.

deleted_user 10/25/2007

There's that judge word again. We can't judge you. We don't know you. We can judge your actions. You've already hurt your husband. You've had an affair. It's only a matter of time before he finds out. If he finds out from someone else, he is going to be devastated. Why can't your sex life improve with your husband? Are you not working on that at all? No. Because you're getting it somewhere else. One night stands? Have you been tested for STDs? How can you do this? I know you feel guilty about this. But, you seem to have made up your mind. Does this OM want to marry you? If not, you may be out on your butt and lose everyone. Your children will be hurt, your husband will be hurt, your friends and family will be hurt. Is fantasy sex really worth it? Again, you'll find out that your fantasy man is really not Prince Charming. I think I've told you that before. He farts and poops and burps. Sex with him is only exciting because it is taboo. As soon as you leave your husband, the real world will set in and you'll soon be back in the same, empty place. And, if you continue with the danger, you're going to be caught. You'll slip up sooner or later. You'll end up getting a disease and giving it to your husband. You'll leave a receipt or a phone call out so it can be seen. Have you ever thought that you're not getting enough out of your marriage because maybe you're not putting enough into it?

Please think about other people instead of yourself. You're destroying people and you don't care because of exciting, dangerous sex. That's not judging you. That's what you've told us. Please stop this destructive behavior.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

I can't defend myself...I don't know why I don't feel this way for my H...yes, we've worked on it...in the end it's just made me feel worthless and dirty...which is I suppose why this affair works...proves that I am dirty and worthless...hope that's what y'all wanted to hear

deleted_user 10/26/2007

Of course that's not what we wanted to hear. That obviously goes back to your abuse history. It is sad. I don't really think you're doing this to feel dirty. I think you're doing this for a thrill...but I could be wrong.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

I don't think you're worthless. The truth is you do have a lot of worth. Have you sought out counseling to deal with the pain in your heart? I think it helps (I'm in counseling).

deleted_user 10/26/2007

The emotional bond to each other is rare to find and sex doesnt bring that. Remember you can have sex with anyone but love friendship and bonding rarely happens. Seek help before its too late. Good luck

deleted_user 10/26/2007

This one is actually pretty simple. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We all know that cheating on one's spouse is wrong. I had an affair, and whether or not I felt good at the moment is really of very little relevance. It was wrong. End of story. It's like I have said before on here, when people ask for advice, do they really want the truth or do they just want to hear that what they are doing is okay? If the truth is the goal, then, like I said, this one is simple. Cheating is wrong.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

This is a horrible thing to do because you are betraying and hurting your husband...if you need the sex from someone else, then get a divorce..You cant have both..if you husband is a decent guy then he deserves the chance to start over with someone else...Instead of sitting there and saying horrible things about yourself, why not just grow up finally and do the right thing,,get the divorce and then do what makes you happy.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

I'm going to have to agree with fyreman, having been on the receiving end of what you're doing sucks. No matter how you feel, or what you do, it sucks, and it's VERY hurtful to the one that loves you. I'm not judging, but I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to be HONEST with yourself and him. If he doesn't meet your needs, and you have to find fulfillment else where, then TELL HIM. Esp after 25 years? Wow, that really sucks, very harsh, and for what? Getting your rocks off? Why not talk to your husband about what you like, I can pretty much bet he'll be willing to do whatever it takes for you to get off if he understands how important it is to you. Given he can stand you when he finds out.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

You are right you are giving yourself a pity party. You want someone here to tell you it is ok to be cheating on your husband. I for one will not do that.

If your marriage has not been as sexually charged as you may have wanted it to be, maybe you should put the energy you have in this affair into your marriage and made it that.

The things you have said is the cowards way out of dealing with the issues in your marriage. I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be here ranting about the pain it has caused you instead of validating your reasons.

Wake up and see the light and get out of your pity party for yourself. You made a promise in your vows. Think about what those promises ment and mean to your husband and what they ment to you at the time.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

I have to agree with most here. While we're not judging you as a person, we can judge your actions. You afterall have asked our advice. Having an affair is incredibly lazy and selfish. Lazy because you can't be assed to actually fix the problem or walk out. Selfish because when it comes down to the nitty gritty, you don't really give a damn that you'll be destroying your spouse when he finds out. My husband's whore was full of fantasies about their "love" and their future together. When it came right down to it she neglected to admit that everyone involved would be hurt. Funny thing is, she didn't care either. When I see people with such little regard for others I turn the other way. And I can tell you honestly that if the OW in my case were on fire, I wouldn't pee on her to put her out. With that said, I do hope you come to realize that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. If your husband is such a great man then why selfishly hold onto him so that you can betray him every step of the way? Let him go so he can perhaps find someone who will be loyal and faithful. He deserves that ya know.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

Sorry to ruffle feathers here...I should have realized but like I said, I was drunk. You are all RIGHT. That is why I have a lawyers appointment TODAY. Yes, we've tried working on things but it hurts more than heals. I deserve all of this and more...thanks

deleted_user 10/26/2007

IS YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER ALSO MARRIED? wILL HE LEAVE HIS FAMILY FOR YOU?
DID YOU EVER CONSIDER GOING TO A THERAPIST THAT SPECIALIZES IN SEX THERAPY ? IF SEX WORKS WITH THE AFFAIR PARTNER IT COULD WORK WITH YOUR HUSBAND....ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE..... ITS JUST TECHNIQUE.....IF ITS A PSYCHOLOGICAL BLOCK WITH YOU...THEN THAT SHOULD BE ADDRESSED. YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAY MARRIED THIS WAY-NOT FAIR TO ANYONE....YOU CANNOT CONTINUE IN AN ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN EITHER, IF THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
GOING TO THERAPY IS A START. YOU SHOULD STOP ALL CONTACT UNTIL YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.... WOULD YOU WANT TO MARRY THE AFFAIR PARTNER? DO YOU REALLY KNOW HIM? IS ALOT OF THE ATTRACTION THE SECRECY? OR IS THERE MORE? ARE YOU COMPATIBLE IN OTHER WAYS? HAVE YOU EVEN ASKED? HAS HE HAD OTHER AFFAIRS WITH MARRIED WOMEN IN THE PAST? dO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIS PAST?ONE OF MY FRIENDS SAYS....BE CAREFUL ABOUT ROMANTICISING THE AFFAIR GUY.....AFTER YOU GET MARRIED HE OFTEN TURNS INTO THAT SAME OLD HUSBAND ,IN HIS BOXERS, WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL AND BEER IN FRONT OF THE TV.....NOT AS INTERESTED IN SEX AND ROMANCE ONCE THE MYSTERY AND NEWNESS WEARS OFF....AND ...HE MAY HAVE ALOT OF HIS OWN BAGGAGE THAT HE IS BRINGING WITH HIM.....SO THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO PROCEED. MOST OF ALL STOP DOING ANYTHING THAT IS POTENTIALLY HURTFUL TO ANYONE-YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR KIDS, THE OM'S WIFE AND FAMILY...ITS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU TWO...TRUST ME....AN AFFAIR HURTS SO MANY PEOPLE.IT EVEN HURTS NEICES, NEPHEWS, GRANDPARENTS, YOU ARE NEVER VIEWED THE SAME WAY BY ANYONE....BECAUSE LIES AND BETRAYAL ARE JUST NOT THE RIGHT WAY TO PROCEED... YOU CAN GET DIVORCED AND ITS PAINFUL AND SAD BUT AN AFFAIR IS DEVASTATING....SO COOL YOUR JETS AND REALLY THINK. MAYBE THE BEST WOULD BE TO SEPERATE FROM YOUR HUSBAND,LIVE ON YOUR OWN FOR AWHILE AND REALLY FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE... BE KIND TO YOUR HUSBAND IF HE REALLY DOESN'T DO IT FOR YOU AND LEAVE.....AT LEAST FOR AWHILE....BUT DON'T JUMP INTO THE ARMS OF THIS OM TOO QUICKLY BECAUSE EVENTHOUGH YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM...TRUST ME YOU DON'T....WORK ON BECOMING A BETTER YOU FIRST.

deleted_user 10/26/2007

Okay, I am going to say this one last time and as succintly as possible...I AM indeed, the fucking bitch from hell and yes, I know this. I knew after the first time that I slept with someone outside of my marriage that I should have ended it right then and there, but I didn't. Too many reasons why, small children, no self-esteem..etc. Having said that, my husband was also willing to forgive me, both times..and so I grabbed the lifeline he offered me and tried to move forward. And STD's really don't enter into the picture (whoever said that in an earlier post...jeesus, get a fucking grip) really, can you all please get past your own pain and realize that...as horribly painful and awful this kind of situation is, until this point in time...my husband and I have had a great marriage and relationship? Yes, we've been married 25 years! God, give me some fucking credit at least. I know that I am in the wrong. I know that my husband is going to be devastated. I am going to be devasated. I was a stunted 20 year old when I married and now I'm going to have to finally deal with life on my own...probably what I should have done before I ever married him. I am sorry for all of you that have been cheated on, I really, really, am...and I would not ever have done this if I had not experienced probably one of the greatest "triggers" in the history of triggers which brought to the forefront that I still have "extreme and great" emotional baggage. And yes, I may be blind, but not deaf, I can hear you all now and I accept it all because I deserve it all. I just hope that none of you, or your daughters, get raped before they have time to find out who they are and what they have to offer to the world...and if you do I beg you...force them into therapy...because if you don't...what you might end up with is ME.

deleted_user 10/27/2007

as I see it most of us do have a "fucking" grip. What we've lived through has been painfully real. I think what you want is someone to speak up and say they agree with what you've done. And bully for them if they do. But it's not coming from this girl. And as far as staying in the marriage for all those years? Well they say excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one and they usually stink.

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