I'm sure I can find someone here who can tell me that I am absolutely the most horrible of women because I am in the midst of an affair, an affair that I defy anyone to please, tell me, why it is the most unforgiveable thing in the whole world that the last, and only, time; that I have ever actually enjoyed sex, was when I was 15 years old (hmm, 45 now)and I find someone who makes me feel just as good (or normal, if you'd rather) as I did back then...oh, and by the way, did I mention this was pretty much just after I was raped at 14? Anyway, finding this person...completely not looked for nor sought after, and completely out of the blue...please tell me how incredibly heinous it is to have finally found this feeling again? Yes, I've been married for 25 years, and to the one of the finest men you could ever hope to meet...however my marriage has never actually been of a sexual nature but rather more of a heart/soul connection. I will admit that this is partly because we started our family almost immediately after we got married, and we had only known each other for 7 months before we did get married. I had, I guess, unconciously accepted that enjoying and liking sex was just not going to happen for me, and it really didn't matter a whole lot in the long run. I gave my marriage everything that I was (considering that who I was, was actually a very stunted young woman, please read my journal for enlightenment)and I game even more than that to my children, and now those children have grown, and this situation has happened. I apologize because I'm somewhat drunk at the moment, and that's why this sounds like a pity party but I really didn't know how important it can be. I am in counseling at the moment and I realized that my marriage was over before I even started. I have had two one night stands over the length of this marriage and was told that no. 1: if it happened again it was over and; no. 2: if I felt like that again to just tell him before it happened. Well, I didn't do that, obviously. I could tell you it's because I didn't want to hurt him, and that would certainly be true, but at the same time, it really did come so out of the blue and my reaction to the seduction was so immediate and powerful...I've realized that I need a physical connection and I certainly have this with the OP and not only that, well..if you read my journal entries you will know...I am in the caretaker kind of mode, I suppose. Please don't judge me.
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