4 and a half years ago i met the love of my life i knew from the first day that she was the girl 4 me and quickley we fell in love. over the next four years things were good then bad sometimes worse then they would get better. i had a girl that gave me all of her love she was nothing but faithful and honest with me and the only thing she wanted from me was the same. i have never been the man i should have been to her always putting freinds and work first. she stood by me tho and i appreciated everything she did for me just not the way i should have. over time things became more serious and i knew that i would have her forever no matter what. that was the point where i started questioning what was going on i lost sight of everything that mattered in life and began to wonder what if there is somethighn better out there..... that has proved to be the biggest mistake of my life. i always knew she was the perfect girl they say noone is perfect but there is one perfect someone to everyone and she is that one to me. myselfish personality led me to treat here worse and worse makeing anything i thought she did wrong a big deal even if it was as simple as talking during a movie i even blamed my faults on her turning someting that was my fault into me being mad at her...... she still stood by me...... eventually i cheated on her once again wondering if there was something better out there...... there wasnt but i did it anyway i drug her along trying to jugle two women...... not sure if i wanted her but knowing that i didnt want anyone else to have her once again being so selfish and controling always questioning her and telling her what was ok to do and what wasnt...... this girl never gave me any reason not to trust her and i controlled her to a point that she should have broke..... she didnt still stood by me knowing but not knowing that something was different i almost got caught a few times..... i did get caught a few times but always denied everything she knew tho just didnt want to believe it i think she wanted to stand by me and she did..... 6 months after all this began on the day or our four year aniversery she got a phone call from a girl telling her everything about the last 6 months.... that day all my lies caught up with me...... that was the day my life ended.... although i had been two timing her and disrespecting her and controling her deep down i didnt want to be i wanted us to grow old to gether start a family get married i was even in the process of buying a house for us...... i had lost sight of what mattered and what was going on so burried in a hole i didnt think i culd get out of it so i just kept digging it deeper foolishly thinking it would never cathch up with me nothing ever had b4 i could always talk myself out of anything....... not this time i had hit rock bottom...... after a few days of thinkin i relized that i had to have her back i just got up and went to go apologize thinking that that was all it would take i was mistaken...... this was alot bigger of a deal than an apologie and a fake promise could get me out of she had had enough...... she told me how selfish i was and how controling i was and that it was over....... still it didnt hit me.... she would always be there i thoiught...... i didnt relize how untrue that was she had finnally had enough....i though i would get her back finnaly i talked her into comeing and seein me i was a mess i knew i had screwed up and it was killing me and i had decided that once i got her back i would do it right i finnally relized that i had lost sight of what mattered i truley appreciated everything she had done for me and been threw with me.......relized she was what mattered and i was ready to put her first....... she had had enought finnally given up the meeting got me nowhere....... Can u blame her? i cant. and that what i relized i was stuck in a situation that my own selfish self got me into with no way out noone to blame but me...... thats when the remorse set in i couldnt believe how bad i had treated her and how i had smashed her heart into so many pieces..... i started to hate myself for what i had done and it just got worse from there i didnt even want to live and in the middle of it all i was buying a house that i planned on liveing in with her...... how much worse could it get i just wanted to get away i applied to go to work over seas thought of moving out west just to get away from everything i had done to myself just start over....... then i relized that that was what i had done my whole life and i needed to quit i needed to be a man and face my problems i started seeing a counseler all i could thing of was getting her back could hardly make it threw a whole day of work without crying it was imposible to do nething but cry myself to sleep i hated myself...... saw the counseler for awhile but it didnt seem to help i hated myself think abuot what i had done to her life shattered her heart how could i do that..... but i did and there was nothing i could do to change it i just wanted to prove to her that i relized what she ment to me but it proved to be alot more complicated than that how could she ever trust me again? i knew in my heart that she could but how do u show someone that after u have hurt them so bad.....? i finnally came to relize that all i can do is pray do everyting the way i would do it if she was around and live my life a a good faithful and honest person not ever lose faith in our relationship and hope that she finds it again...... i dont blame her for not being able or not wanting to give it another shot but i wonder if she knew how serious i was about us if she would think it was worth it i dont know maybe she does know and its still not worth it to her af it is that is understandable i can only imaging how it feels to be here i have never been hurt like that....... i wonder if she knows how much i hurt inside knowing that i hurt her so bad and i wonder what my hurt feels like compared to hers? my life is a mess everything i want and need is gone our house is empty of love i go home everynight and look at pictures of us and cry what else can i do the only thing i have left is a pair of pajams some pictures and a bottle of shampoo that reminds me of what her beeutiful hair always smelled like...... i have noone to blame but myself and thats what makes it so much harder i know that i love her more than i have ever loved b4 and i wont ever lose faith in us again even if she never comes back i know that there is nothing better out there becuz no matter what perfect is perfect in your own eyes and if u fing that someone there is nothing else u need...... what else can u do? how do u live with urself if she never comes back? will she come back? should she? how do u prove to her that u will never give up and make her believe u again? how?
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