
Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

deleted_user
I'm so lost and devastated....I just found out today that my husband of 5 1/2 years cheated on me. We have two children together-ages 1 and 3 and have been together a total of 7 years. I recently became a stay at home mom last year. I found several e-mails on my husbands account that were basically soliciting sex from women that seemed like an escort service type thing. I don't know all the details, just what I read. I can get into it if you want, but I know what it was. Then when I confronted him about it he denied it at first, then admitted that a girl performed oral sex on him only one time. I don't know if he is lying or telling the truth and if there were more encounters or not. Frankly, once is enough. I told him very early on in our relationship that I do not put up with cheating and that I would leave him indefinately.
We talked and I asked him to leave for a few days as I am not comfortable having him here in the house. I really don't know if I can get over this, ever. He basically broke our vows and my trust. He says he really wants to work on this and stay together. That he loves me and can't imagine life without me and the boys. He has apologized up and down about what he has done. Why didn't he think of that before he betrayed us? I'm so embarrassed and I don't even want to tell any of my friends or family. How do I even know he is telling the whole truth?
Right now I just don't know what to do. I know I should let things settle down before I make any decisions either way-to stay or file for divorce. I just feel like if I let him stay, he will cheat again, I won't be able to trust him ever again, our marriage will never be the same, and it will be extremely difficult for us to get past this and be a normal couple. If I leave him, I will have to probably move in with my parents to make ends meet for a while. I will have to put my kids in daycare full time, work full time, and get back on my feet. I
know I can do it if I need to. It will be hard but I will move on and be strong for my kids.
Another thing is that I have no clue about anything like seperation and divorce. I don't know the first thing about either one. Like how much lawyers cost? What to do about visitation with children? Do I need proof that he cheated because he deleted the e-mails?
Please help! I have no idea what to do...:( I am so hurt and devastated right now. Thanks for listening.
We talked and I asked him to leave for a few days as I am not comfortable having him here in the house. I really don't know if I can get over this, ever. He basically broke our vows and my trust. He says he really wants to work on this and stay together. That he loves me and can't imagine life without me and the boys. He has apologized up and down about what he has done. Why didn't he think of that before he betrayed us? I'm so embarrassed and I don't even want to tell any of my friends or family. How do I even know he is telling the whole truth?
Right now I just don't know what to do. I know I should let things settle down before I make any decisions either way-to stay or file for divorce. I just feel like if I let him stay, he will cheat again, I won't be able to trust him ever again, our marriage will never be the same, and it will be extremely difficult for us to get past this and be a normal couple. If I leave him, I will have to probably move in with my parents to make ends meet for a while. I will have to put my kids in daycare full time, work full time, and get back on my feet. I
know I can do it if I need to. It will be hard but I will move on and be strong for my kids.
Another thing is that I have no clue about anything like seperation and divorce. I don't know the first thing about either one. Like how much lawyers cost? What to do about visitation with children? Do I need proof that he cheated because he deleted the e-mails?
Please help! I have no idea what to do...:( I am so hurt and devastated right now. Thanks for listening.
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It depends on what state you live in as to what can be done via seperation and divorce. Lawyers have different rates, as well. Some require retainers, and some do not. Some will also make your SPOUSE pay them. You can sue your husband for child support, alimony, alimony pendente lite ( pending litigation) as well as exclusive possession of the marital home- which basically kicks him out of it. Does he make good money? You are entitled to ALOT of it. Those are your divorce options.
I again, am so sorry that you are here. I have also learned that HARDLY ever are they telling the whole truth and the full truth. You may have to be prepared to feel in your heart and gut he is not telling the whole truth and then expect him to lie. He will. ( He could be telling the truth, I don't know him like you do, or at all!)
And it IS going to be extremely hard to get past this and move on and be a normal couple. It truly is. It is your decision to stay or go, just don't make a big jump right now.
He needs to be in some type of counseling other than JUST telling you how much he wants the marriage, etc. And, you are not alone in your questioning- "if you wanted it, then why did you cheat?" The answer? Because he is a selfish jerk. I doubt highly he would like you "just getting oral" from someone other than him.
HE has issues. NOT you. Nine times out of ten, the MORE you stand up for YOU, the more HE IS GOING TO BLAME YOU. Uh uh. Don't fall short on standing up for yourself on that aspect either. It's not your fault and if he blames you, kindly tell him "its gonna be my fault if I divorce you!"
You can do this. You sound as if you WANT to go, but fear the financial situation. Just remember, your husband owes you MONEY. Take it.
I really want to call my mom and tell her right now, but don't know if I can do it.
In truth, the only thing you can trust right now, is YOUR GUT/INSTINCT. It wont lie to you.
My H had a 5 month affair. When confronted he lied, denied and covered his ass. Trust yourself, trust your gut. You KNOW your H.
I would advise that you NOT make any permanent decisions right now. You need time to process all the information and start on the emotional roller coaster. It is a long and VERY emotional ride.
Know that we are here for you. Stay strong~
He wants to make things right, go to counseling and is basically telling me he'll do whatever he needs to do to get me back. Right now I'm just too hurt and upset to wrap my mind around anything involving him or counseling. He says he loves me and wants to get through this.
I don't know if I can ever forgive him. I know I'm saying this only just not even a day after finding out, so who knows. I just know that right now I feel like he is the scum of the earth.
For those who dealt with this and took back their H, how did you get through it? Do you still have issues about it? How many years has it been? Are you able to trust him again? I just can't see ever being able to trust him ever again, not even to go out to the store for 5 minutes.
Take it from someone who has been there/done that- having him back at home will NOT help you, and for me, it made my situation 10,000 times worse.
Its been almost a year. I'm no where near over it. in fact, it JUST NOW RECENTLY started to DEPRESS me deeply. Before that, I was just furious and pissed off.
Give yourself some time. Its about you now. Take care of you. I know you are devastated, and I KNOW how torn you are because you cannot go to the one person you REALLY trusted and leaned on, which was him.
Get a new confidant. Talk to someone. Anyone. ( platonic of course!) You will need support through this.
A couple of notes to balance out some of the statements which were made in another post above, which are far from universal truth, and may not be in everyones best interest anyway, since like it or not, youre still going to have to raise your children together. Trying to sue and screw each other out of every last penny makes little sense, and in the end will only make it an acrimonious, drawn-out fight, cost you a fortune in legal fees, and leave you hating each other, which is almost certain to impact your children severely.
Its hard to give complete advice without knowing in which state you live, so the below should be regarded as general guidelines:
1) Either party can sue for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences and the divorce will ultimately be granted. The other party cannot stop this from happening, though some states may require you to go to counseling. The process generally takes about 6 months assuming things stay reasonably amicable. Costs can be as little as a few hundred dollars if you can agree on everything and fill out all the paperwork yourself (you can buy the kits in bookstores or on-line), or can run into the tens of thousands of dollars if the divorce is bitter and acrimonious and youre making accusations, filing motions, and going to court over a lot of things. Id say an average attorney-assisted divorce where each of you have your own representation, and each pull an average amount of bullshit on each other is going to run $7,000 to $10,000 total. You should immediately hire an attorney if you believe your husband is taking, hiding or selling any assets, or denies you access to assets and refuses to support you and your children.
2) All but a few states have gone to a no fault divorce system. This means that the root cause of the divorce has NO bearing on whether or not the divorce is granted, or on the property settlement. He could have screwed your best friend on the front lawn in front of your children with a needle in his arm and a bottle in his mouth. It doesnt matter. Everything that isnt separate property (owned individually prior to marriage, or willed or gifted to you as individuals) is considered community property and will be split straight down the middle. However, personal conduct IS a consideration when it comes to child custody arrangements.
3) The courts try hard to arrive at a property settlement and child custody arrangement that is fair to both parties. This whole notion of people taking each other to the cleaners is largely myth, though either one of you could luck into a good or bad judge, and that can make somewhat of a difference. While, as was said above, you may wind up with the marital home, it isnt simply gifted to you you will give up something else in the property settlement (retirement money, other assets) to compensate your husband for his half of the homes worth.
4) You can figure that between child support payments and spousal support (alimony), you will wind up with about 40% of your husbands net income. The court expects you to support yourself, and its highly unlikely that you will remain a stay at home mom. Except in cases of long-term marriages (10 years or more), spousal support is usually temporary it typically lasts for one-half the duration of the marriage, and is intended to give you time to get back on your feet financially. In many cases where both parties work and have a reasonable income, no spousal support is awarded. Spousal support is by no means the certain and indefinite free ride it used to be. Child support aside, the courts goal is that to the greatest extent possible, you both ultimately wind up self-sufficient.
5) Child support payments will continue until your children turn 18. Courts use formulas to determine the amount to be paid, depending on the custody arrangements (who has the kids and for how long), expenses, needs of the children (including medical insurance), etc.
6) A legal separation is basically the same thing as a divorce the property settlement, spousal and child support all have to be settled. However, the marriage is not actually dissolved. There are a variety of reasons people do this, including continued eligibility for health benefits from a spouse, etc.
Anyway, there are any number of variations on the theme depending on which state you live in, but this gives you a rough idea
He keeps saying he wants to work on our marriage. I'm too hurt right now to think about it. How long did you all wait to make the decision to stay or go?
No embarassment,no shame. Just like alcoholics or drug abusers- husbands and wives can enable the addicts to continue their lifestyle by covering up for them at work,with friends,and family.
Hold off on divorce plans.... until you get over the shock and can think clearly.
Find a counselor for yourself and insist that he see a therapist for himself to find out what flaw he has in his personality that allowed him to act so selfishly...
I think individual therapy for awhile is better before you decide if and when you want to start marriage counseling. My H is going 2x per week and is still working on figuring out why this happened. I'm not going to marriage counseling until I get that answer. My H also began going to AA as that was a big part of the attraction with the OW-partying together.
I also insisted that my H move out immediately so that we could have some distance to think.
Take care of yourself and your health-get tested for STD's. Stay strong for the kids.
There is nothing wrong with making sure you are financially provided for.
I waited a good time before I made my final decision and that decision was? I'm worth more.