I am sorry that you are here. First thing first, get your ducks in a row. If you can get ( and keep) any evidence that he cheated, get it and KEEP it.

It depends on what state you live in as to what can be done via seperation and divorce. Lawyers have different rates, as well. Some require retainers, and some do not. Some will also make your SPOUSE pay them. You can sue your husband for child support, alimony, alimony pendente lite ( pending litigation) as well as exclusive possession of the marital home- which basically kicks him out of it. Does he make good money? You are entitled to ALOT of it. Those are your divorce options.

I again, am so sorry that you are here. I have also learned that HARDLY ever are they telling the whole truth and the full truth. You may have to be prepared to feel in your heart and gut he is not telling the whole truth and then expect him to lie. He will. ( He could be telling the truth, I don't know him like you do, or at all!)

And it IS going to be extremely hard to get past this and move on and be a normal couple. It truly is. It is your decision to stay or go, just don't make a big jump right now.

He needs to be in some type of counseling other than JUST telling you how much he wants the marriage, etc. And, you are not alone in your questioning- "if you wanted it, then why did you cheat?" The answer? Because he is a selfish jerk. I doubt highly he would like you "just getting oral" from someone other than him.

HE has issues. NOT you. Nine times out of ten, the MORE you stand up for YOU, the more HE IS GOING TO BLAME YOU. Uh uh. Don't fall short on standing up for yourself on that aspect either. It's not your fault and if he blames you, kindly tell him "its gonna be my fault if I divorce you!"

You can do this. You sound as if you WANT to go, but fear the financial situation. Just remember, your husband owes you MONEY. Take it.

I'm very sorry to hear your story. I know what your going through and can only say each day it will get a little easier. I think you need to look out for yourself and decide what you want to do as far as your marriage. I don't think you should make any decisions based on emotion. Your very hurt and feel betrayed right now but give yourself some time without him to think. As for me, I decided to try and work things out with my husband. I too always said that I would never put up with cheating. You have to do what is best for yourself. And if that means leaving him, then that's what you should do. But I think you need to take some time to really think things through and not act on emotion.

Thank you for your quick responses. It's good to know I'm not alone in the world. I have nobody to talk to as I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends and family by chance that if we do get back together at some point that they don't form bad opinions about him. I guess though that they will probably find out at some point when he's not around.

I really want to call my mom and tell her right now, but don't know if I can do it.

i am so sorry for you. my pastor/counselor said "if you don't know what to do, than do nothing, and when it is time to do something you will know what that is." one more word of advice will be to hold on tight because you are going to experience a lot of different emotions real soon. good news is, you have come to the right place. i only wish i had found this place that soon. my husband had a kid with his mistress and 8 months later i am just starting to feel a little better(not trying to scare you) you can get thru this but only if you want to and only if he is totally honest,transparent,and stops what he is doing. i told my best friend and she has been a godsend, in the beginning had it not been for her and my family who knows where i would be. i will not lie to you this is a difficult pill to swallow and you must make it real clear to your husband that he needs to be brutally honest. if he comes out and tells the truth, take it from someone who got bits and pieces of the truth for months and was only let in on what i asked, make it clear to him that he needs to start at the beginning. my husband was always open to answer my questions but he only answered those things that i asked and all the questions did not come to me all at once. one day we sat down and i told him that there is no way i can even begin to heal until he is TOTALLY honest. he laid it all out. it won't be easy to hear, but at least you will know. i am taking it one day at a time and i can not promise anything, but one thing is for sure I love my husband and our good definately out weights the bad. i'm not staying for our son, or for financial reasons, or becasue we have been together 10 years;i realize my husband royally screwed up and truly loves me and wants my forgiveness more than anything. i am here for you, this site is very helpful, take care of yourself.

i was like you and thought that my family would hate him after they found out, i was so suprised at everyones reaction. i am very close to my family as was my husband. they realized that he made a mistake and that i should try to forgive him. they support me in whatever my decision is but they still respect my husband. of course they will never forget what he did to his family, but they still love him. you need your mom right now don't be afraid to reach out to her. you should not be embarrased you did nothing wrong. he is the one who has to face the music. but who are we to judge...

I am very sorry that you are here. Please know that it is a wonderful place full of wonderful people. Some are going thru or have gone thru what you are now facing.

In truth, the only thing you can trust right now, is YOUR GUT/INSTINCT. It wont lie to you.

My H had a 5 month affair. When confronted he lied, denied and covered his ass. Trust yourself, trust your gut. You KNOW your H.

I would advise that you NOT make any permanent decisions right now. You need time to process all the information and start on the emotional roller coaster. It is a long and VERY emotional ride.

Know that we are here for you. Stay strong~

If he's honest, at least he wants to stay together and try to work on things. I cheated and never wanted to return (I wasn't leaving much of a marriage to begin with). I'm sorry for all that you are going through - you've come to one source of support and your close friends and family will always be there for you as well.

Thank you for all of your advice.

He wants to make things right, go to counseling and is basically telling me he'll do whatever he needs to do to get me back. Right now I'm just too hurt and upset to wrap my mind around anything involving him or counseling. He says he loves me and wants to get through this.

I don't know if I can ever forgive him. I know I'm saying this only just not even a day after finding out, so who knows. I just know that right now I feel like he is the scum of the earth.

For those who dealt with this and took back their H, how did you get through it? Do you still have issues about it? How many years has it been? Are you able to trust him again? I just can't see ever being able to trust him ever again, not even to go out to the store for 5 minutes.

I know what you are going through ...going through it right now also...listen to your gut it usually is pretty acurate..you might want to tell at least one friend as they can be there for you....take some time to think through what you want to do before you do it and you have every right to make him leave while you think...if he is truly sorry and wants to work on it make him realize you need this time and space for yourself to decide what you want since he put you in this situation with his choice...and it was his choice not a mistake...so be selfish and take the time you need cause now it has to be about you...trust me on that one...i`m here if ya need someone to talk to ...tc and try to hang in

I can honestly offer this bit of advice: keep him out for now. If financially you struggle, sue him for support in the meantime.

Take it from someone who has been there/done that- having him back at home will NOT help you, and for me, it made my situation 10,000 times worse.

Its been almost a year. I'm no where near over it. in fact, it JUST NOW RECENTLY started to DEPRESS me deeply. Before that, I was just furious and pissed off.

Give yourself some time. Its about you now. Take care of you. I know you are devastated, and I KNOW how torn you are because you cannot go to the one person you REALLY trusted and leaned on, which was him.

Get a new confidant. Talk to someone. Anyone. ( platonic of course!) You will need support through this.

Im very sorry for what happened to you. I was cheated on as well and understand what youre going through. I wouldnt presume to tell you whether the right thing is to stay and try to work things out or to leave no one on here knows enough about either one of you and your relationship and family situation to give credible advice in that regard. I will tell you that decisions made hastily and out of anger and hurt are rarely good ones. My suggestion is that regardless of what you choose to do, you delay any serious moves for a little while until you both settle down a bit. While theres no such thing as a good divorce, especially where children are involved, it can be done in such a way that the stress, pain, disruption, financial devastation, and impact on the children can be minimized if the two of you can cooperate instead of fight each other, if you decide divorce is the way to go.

A couple of notes to balance out some of the statements which were made in another post above, which are far from universal truth, and may not be in everyones best interest anyway, since like it or not, youre still going to have to raise your children together. Trying to sue and screw each other out of every last penny makes little sense, and in the end will only make it an acrimonious, drawn-out fight, cost you a fortune in legal fees, and leave you hating each other, which is almost certain to impact your children severely.

Its hard to give complete advice without knowing in which state you live, so the below should be regarded as general guidelines:

1) Either party can sue for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences and the divorce will ultimately be granted. The other party cannot stop this from happening, though some states may require you to go to counseling. The process generally takes about 6 months assuming things stay reasonably amicable. Costs can be as little as a few hundred dollars if you can agree on everything and fill out all the paperwork yourself (you can buy the kits in bookstores or on-line), or can run into the tens of thousands of dollars if the divorce is bitter and acrimonious and youre making accusations, filing motions, and going to court over a lot of things. Id say an average attorney-assisted divorce where each of you have your own representation, and each pull an average amount of bullshit on each other is going to run $7,000 to $10,000 total. You should immediately hire an attorney if you believe your husband is taking, hiding or selling any assets, or denies you access to assets and refuses to support you and your children.

2) All but a few states have gone to a no fault divorce system. This means that the root cause of the divorce has NO bearing on whether or not the divorce is granted, or on the property settlement. He could have screwed your best friend on the front lawn in front of your children with a needle in his arm and a bottle in his mouth. It doesnt matter. Everything that isnt separate property (owned individually prior to marriage, or willed or gifted to you as individuals) is considered community property and will be split straight down the middle. However, personal conduct IS a consideration when it comes to child custody arrangements.

3) The courts try hard to arrive at a property settlement and child custody arrangement that is fair to both parties. This whole notion of people taking each other to the cleaners is largely myth, though either one of you could luck into a good or bad judge, and that can make somewhat of a difference. While, as was said above, you may wind up with the marital home, it isnt simply gifted to you you will give up something else in the property settlement (retirement money, other assets) to compensate your husband for his half of the homes worth.

4) You can figure that between child support payments and spousal support (alimony), you will wind up with about 40% of your husbands net income. The court expects you to support yourself, and its highly unlikely that you will remain a stay at home mom. Except in cases of long-term marriages (10 years or more), spousal support is usually temporary it typically lasts for one-half the duration of the marriage, and is intended to give you time to get back on your feet financially. In many cases where both parties work and have a reasonable income, no spousal support is awarded. Spousal support is by no means the certain and indefinite free ride it used to be. Child support aside, the courts goal is that to the greatest extent possible, you both ultimately wind up self-sufficient.

5) Child support payments will continue until your children turn 18. Courts use formulas to determine the amount to be paid, depending on the custody arrangements (who has the kids and for how long), expenses, needs of the children (including medical insurance), etc.

6) A legal separation is basically the same thing as a divorce the property settlement, spousal and child support all have to be settled. However, the marriage is not actually dissolved. There are a variety of reasons people do this, including continued eligibility for health benefits from a spouse, etc.

Anyway, there are any number of variations on the theme depending on which state you live in, but this gives you a rough idea

Ugh, I hate that you can't edit these posts. Anyway, it should be self-evident, but I should have added that as the assets are equally divided, so too are the debts.

We live in NY.

He keeps saying he wants to work on our marriage. I'm too hurt right now to think about it. How long did you all wait to make the decision to stay or go?

I know that some people don't agree....but I really think it is important to not keep it a secret.There are a number of psychologists that agree also. You should tell your mom, his mom, his family, your friends,etc. I did that and I feel that it forced my H to deal with the reality of it all. To deal with the ugly consequences. If you cover it up and no one ever finds out you are enabling him to do it again in the future.The affair is a fantasy world. Bringing reality into it is important.Otherwise,if you decide to take him back what are his consequences?
No embarassment,no shame. Just like alcoholics or drug abusers- husbands and wives can enable the addicts to continue their lifestyle by covering up for them at work,with friends,and family.
Hold off on divorce plans.... until you get over the shock and can think clearly.
Find a counselor for yourself and insist that he see a therapist for himself to find out what flaw he has in his personality that allowed him to act so selfishly...
I think individual therapy for awhile is better before you decide if and when you want to start marriage counseling. My H is going 2x per week and is still working on figuring out why this happened. I'm not going to marriage counseling until I get that answer. My H also began going to AA as that was a big part of the attraction with the OW-partying together.
I also insisted that my H move out immediately so that we could have some distance to think.
Take care of yourself and your health-get tested for STD's. Stay strong for the kids.

I would not suggest that you do not sue him for some type of alimony pendente lite or child support, if that if your choice. There is no reason to KEEP him with you JUST to obtain money! You can do it through the courts and you DO NOT need a lawyer in both instances in MOST states to GET an order of court.

There is nothing wrong with making sure you are financially provided for.

I waited a good time before I made my final decision and that decision was? I'm worth more.