From what I have learned from many members here, and from my therapy is that the unfaithful spouse is supposed to be completely honest with you. You are going out of your way to give him another chance, then he needs to go out of his way to be honest. It's the only way to make things work.

What I should say is that you need to tell him that he needs to be completely honest with you no matter how small the detail, but only if you are prepared to hear the honest truth. Don't push, just let him know that this will only work if he is prepared to tell you the truth and when your ready ask again.

Are you able to 'calm down and drop it' or is it going to fester until it gets straightened out?
If it wasn't a big deal to you, you wouldn't post about it, I imagine. To me, lying is lying. Anybody who lies about little things, especially about topics like the OW, will lie about anything.
My XH used to say that I 'made' him lie because he didn't want to deal with my reaction.
Now I don't have any reactions, and he is still lying up the butt.

HeatherI used to rigidly confront every little lie, like the one you mentioned.

It got me nowhere. he would admit, perhaps to the lie, but such a fuss would be made! He just felt nitpicked on blah blah blah.

Today something was aid and I knew it was ...close.. to the truth. I said, "I know that is not the way it happened because you already told me before". I said it calmly, then went on and we didnt get into a debate. sometimes, I even let it go. it doesnt happen often, once a month or less, I think? So, I am not sure it is worth a fight. I use to think it would make him face it and it did and then he went smoothly back into de'nial or wherever he lives, so it doesnt have a huge effect.

If it is worth it to you, say something, kind of offhand, "I know that isnt true but that is not important right now...we were discusiing ... Maybe if he is not on the spot, he will do some growing up...maybe.

Nave, I commend you on how you have come to terms so well with this topic. heather22,I agree that a lie is a lie but I also agree that constant confrontation does not really make things better for either of you. If after time the situation is so hard to let go it must be brought up again but if it can't be done calmly there is nothing to be gained. Some cheaters take a long time to finally 'get it' that they are not getting away with their lies anymore and others just don't care enough to be honest. I hope your husband is just not at that point of completely 'getting it' yet.

heather22...Give your self a break. Give it some time. I always tell my self, the truth will always be told the same way. A lie will change everytime the story is told. I am sooo going through the same ole BS too. I wish we could put these guys on the same boat and send it out to sea so they could REALLY think about what they did. Keep me posted...GOOD LUCK !!!

i would ask him about it.. my H used to lie about the small stuff and I knew it and I told him it hurt because if he couldn`t be honest with me about the small stuff still how could I ever believe him on the important things... I think it finally sunk in cause now he is honest about everything..

Pick your battles. If it truly is something small like you asked him whether or not they had lunch at a certain restaurant and he says no, but you really know they did- just let it go. Save your battles for the bigger issues. While the little lies are annoying and in our minds seem completely pointless- in the mind of a cheater they really know that you know. As much as they try to deny it, they know you know the truth somewhere inside themselves.It's a psychological game, one that many of us are tired of playing. No compulsive liar wants to have their web of lies untangled, but if your going to start untangling- let the small ones pass and focus on the big ones for right now. The smaller lies are the ones that will likely be admitted to or uncovered later. If you nitpick at the small lies,your H may never feel "safe" to come clean about the big stuff. I know it is ironic and pathetic that we as cheated wives and husbands need to facilitate a "safe" environment for them
to confess their
indiscretions- but unfortunately that is often the case. Keep your eyes and ears open and if something doesn't match to what he has said before, gently remind him that's not what he said before and move on.I'm not sure if this is making sense but I hope it helps to some degree. I know it's stupid and frustrating that we feel we need to continue to give more when they are the ones that have already taken so much, but healing does take time. Not just for us, but for the cheater as well. It takes time for them to learn how to undo the pain that they have caused, and in a lot of cases-I actually think it takes them a lot longer to move on then us, due to the guilt factor. Good Luck!!

I know your frustration. If they're gonna lie even a teeny tiny lie is STILL A LIE! and it's so much more or a big deal when cheating and lying go hand in hand. That's how I see it anyway. When you're trying to rebuild trust the last thing you need is a fib! uggggggggggg..... hugs to you. I know your pain!

This is a bit of a tuffee. On one hand, I agree that it is best to pick the battles, constant aggrevation and battling will only create an even more toxic environment for the kids.
But, what the small lie says is that hubby is compelled to lie, even when the truth would be appropriate and acceptable. Im actually of a mind that the small lies are more a problem than the big ones. Its obvious why people have big lies, but what it the logic behind the constant, small lies which dont do any good? They are signs of his character and the way he deals with the kind of information he wants you to know. lies, big and small, are attempts for people to exert control over others. If I tell you I had a tuna salad sandwhich when I had chicken, it seems like no big deal, but what I have just done is consciously controlled the information I WAS ALLOWING YOU TOY HAVE ABOUT ME. It is a subtle form of a power dynamic and not a small deal.

Thank-you all for your replies. The wisdom we all have gained out of the pain amazes me!! I decided to drop it this morning being that he got a big promotion and I didnt want to ruin his day. GAG!! Anyway I told him it dosent matter and even tho I know he is lying I also know all will be known in due time and if all the little stuff adds up, hes out!!I had a good day today tho, it wasnt on my mind. so Yea me!! Its about time. Thanks everyone for being here, I cant make it thru this without all of you:)

I hate lies! My H answered every single one of my questions for the 1st 1 1/2 yrs after his affair. We agreed not to bring any of it up again. Believe me- it just gets worse if you keep asking questions. The best thing for me is not to know everything. Continuing to hold on to it all only keeps me from healing.