Ok, I married my husband within four months of meeting him. And I was only 19. Just joined the military and everything. In fact it was one of those run away from a small town enlistments. Anyway I met my husband in June and married him in October, but 6 days after marrying him, he was deployed to Iraq. While he was gone, I became angry with him. I felt that he had done this to me on purpose. I mean I married him on my own. No gun was put to my head. I hadn't even told my parents that I was married. I went home shortly afterwards and I ended up cheating with the guy that I was dating for three years before my husband. So when I came back to my duty station, I started hanging out and drinking. All that stupid stuff. And awoke one day to find out that I had supposedly slept with someone else. Low and behold I find out I am pregnant not to long after that. Well the husband came home to start the divorce paperwork. Anyways we decided to not do the divorce, but had to find out about this unborn child. I went to an abortion clinic to have an abortions. While there though, they found out that I was too far along to have the abortion. We went to two other abortion clinics and found the same thing out. Well he was here according to the weeks that the clinics was giving us. Anyways decided to have out son. In the next five years I bore two more sons for him. Listened to him calling me a slut, bitch and everything else. Yelling at me, everything short of physically abusing me. I hated him. I was nothing to him. He went out as he felt and wouldn't come home sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. Brought numbers home. And even had a affair. Took us to his home state and while we were at his sisters house he left to meet her and do whatever they did. Oh and I was eight months pregnant at the time with our third child. He had the right too, I mean, I messed up. I am the one who cheated. At least that is the excuse I gave him. Years of me crying on my knees. I even left him once, but he said he changed. Liar. I felt so low about myself. Attempted suicide a couple times. Just mostly pill popping. I used to try to be so perfect and was not allowed to speak to be myself. Anyways, he got deployed again. This time for a year. And why he was gone for the first 8 months, he made my life here a living hell. He did as he pleased. Called as he pleased. Said what he pleased. And I was in the states alone, with three toddlers ages 3,2,1 and no support. OMG I have never hated someone so bad. After eight months of this, I told him I didn't want the marriage anymore. Just like the last time I left he said he was sorry and he changed but I didn't believe him. And do you know what I did?? A month later I ran into someone that was worse than him and had an affair. In my soul, though I was not connected to my husband. But the guy was a man with three baby mothers. And had a man chick. I was his side piece for two and a half months! The only thing he did was give me the conversation and attention that I had been missing for five years. And now I hate the guy. He knew my issues, he was supposed to be my friend, but he preyed on me. Anyways, I hate myselft because I should have saw that sooner. What was wrong with me? I just can't figure out how to make my husband happy and still keep my happiness. I want to be able to come home and feel like I should be there. The husband and I split up for a short time after that, but he said he forgave me. But today the cycle has begun again and I am a bitch and slut. Do I deserve to be that? This is all my fault. So should I allow him to say what he feels I am, or should I tell him to stop and realize his wrong to and move on with me. This time the right way. BTW we are renewing our vows next week and still today I am a bitch and slut. I say next week means past is just that past and we are to start anew. I don't know. Am I wrong for how I feel?
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