Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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I can't figure it out

deleted_user
deleted_user
I've read so many posts/discussions and so many of you can move on; why can't I? My H keeps saying to let it go; it wasn't anything (months long text/cell phone A with another W/co-worker), to move on. So, why can't I "get over it"? He has admitted it was wrong, he let things get out of hand, enjoyed the attention, etc... But he's NEVER said that he betrayed our marriage, he doesn't see it that this was an emotional A. Is that what I'm needing to hear to let this go? or is it because when he asked what I needed for him to do to "move on" and I said quit his job; he said "no". There are days that I drain myself, emotionally, just thinking about this, thinking about what they could possibly be talking about for 2 hours (at a time). Why they needed to be in CONSTANT contact, with each other, every day all day. From the momment they woke up, to the second before they'd fall asleep, they were in contact. Is he right and I'm stressing over this and I should just let go? I want to move on; I want to start a new journey; I want to get let go. But why can't I? Granted I don't trust him, right now; but, I'm sure those that are moving forward are having trust issues; but, are still moving forward. I'm sick to my stomach and need to get over this... And he says I'm driving him crazy because I can't let go and I don't want to keep doing that... Any thoughts?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I hate that phrase "let it go". They think it is that freaking easy. When we have a little argument, I let that go. However, letting go of the loss of trust, the breaking of a vow, and the hurt is not that easy. Counseling is good, but I also think it takes time and rebuilding of trust just to "let it go".
deleted_user
deleted_user
he isnt giving you the chance to 'let it go' because he is still working with this woman. you need to decide if this is something you can live with, because if he wont quit his job, you need to take it upon yourself to make changes. it sounds to me like he isnt really commited to you enough to bother changing. if i was you, id call his bluff. tell him its over, he has to move out unless he cuts off all contact with the OW. you know you cant trust him, and i doubt you want to live like this forever.tell him you want to move forward with your life and unless he finds a new job, it cant be with him. dont let him keep treating you like this, it isnt fair. if he was serious in rebuilding the trust with you, he would do it. have you had counceling?? it would help a great deal to put things into perspective.
i hope things work out for you. take care and stay strong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"your driving him crazy"??? what about what he did to you? that shoulnt drive you crazy?? it amazes me how selfish these people are and how they cant put the shoe on the other foot
deleted_user
deleted_user
Not that I know squat about anything but I do know that I haven't been taking care of me for so long emotionally I forgot how to have any self esteem. I am working on it slowly. When I do that I don't have time to worry about anyone elses affections or respect for me. Once I work on me, I figure out how much of those things others REALLY have for me. Hang in there hun!
deleted_user
deleted_user
It took my H four months to leave the OW after I found out. I thought I would surely die. He couldn't make up his mind what he wanted. He said he loved us both. He was still in FL & I was in VA for most of 2005. In October 2005 I took a job in SC thinking a geographical change would help me forget & let him go. I didn't know anyone here & was obsessed w/ trying to get him back. The problem was I couldn't focus on my new job because all I could think about was him w/ her. He was in love w/ her & I had to be willing to end my marriage and move on before he realized what we had together for 13 years. She ended up dumping him because he wouldn't divorce me & I took him back. It's been hell but I have no regrets because I had to let him go for him to get his priorities straight. I asked him if "she" would take care of him when he got old & couldn't care for himself? He said, "No, I don't think so." Wow- that really blew his mind. Infatuation sometimes makes you see things you want to see but reality stops you in your tracks & then you see the things you forget were important.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You can't let go because he hasn't given you the satisfaction of hearing that there is even something TO let go.

I think your husband is still portraying HIMSELF as the victim here; the "god, can't you just let it go, there was nothing to it, youre just bugging me".

He has not accepted the fact that he cheated.

He has not accepted the fact that you cannot just let it go.

And, he is still in contact with her.

OF COURSE you can't let it go. What did he learn? That he can do what he wants and desires, break your heart, and then do NOTHING except tell YOU to let it go?

How are you moving forward? he hasnt even admitted it was an affair!
adriennem
adriennem
if he is rushing you to let go that may be a sign he is rushing you for selfish reasons. he wil need to prove himself over and over again to you until you wil feel comfortable. It may takes months. Check out snoopbuddy.com to find a buddy to help you with this and snoop if you need it?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Kat, You must forgive and move on or your life will be overtaken with grief. My wife had an affair 6 years ago. I was devastated, I tried to move on but could not. I always brought it up during arguments as my trump card. Well i drove her away for good. We are now going thru a horrible divorce that is a complete mess I have lost the love of my children and myself. Life has gotten so much worse for me. If only I could have genuinely moved on, things might be different, but now I dont even feel like living. Please for your own sake, get it out of your head and your heart. It will consume you to destruction. I know. Got to church, talk to a close friend, see a therapist, go to the gym or library, do anything to help you. Dont discuss it with him anymore, resolve it yourself. It is your problem now, not his. Good luck and please believe me. Find it in your heart to really forgive.

A Bitter, Lonely Man
deleted_user
deleted_user
I hate to be the one to say this but here goes.... Maybe you cant move on because there is more to the story and your womanly instincits are on high. When I first found out H was lying and he had a great alabi, i still couldnt let go because there was more for me to learn. You have to trust your hear and your situation maybe diff. than mine I hope so but if it was me I would keep digging he may want to you let it go so you wont find out the rest.
Thriver
Thriver
Maybe this is not even relevant but here goes. I had a boyfriend once but it didn't work out. We remained friends and he got a new girlfriend. In my little mind I thought we could all be friends. He left the door open but I noticed that she was not acting friendly. After a while I finally got it. Duh. Even though I did not want anything more with this guy, and I really wanted him to be happy with his new gf, his leaving the door open to friendship with me was an obstacle and she was never ever going to want to be friends with me. I took the initiative to end the friendship, they got married and as far as I know, are happily married still.
Would it be useful to let the other woman know that she is still causing a problem? If the relationship is innocent, so far, this might be a way to get it over with. I do think that my old bf was still attached to me in a way - not in love but still a soft spot. And that really got under his new gf's skin. There was no solution but to totally end any contact.
He is wrong to blame you, he just doesn't get it. Maybe a visit to a marriage counselor would help.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have to say that I agree with heather and thriver....perhaps you can't let it go because somewhere in you being you sense that he hasn't completely let her go. This was the case for me and my instincts were spot on. As long as she occupies any percentage of his mental/emotional space, she will continue to be a haunting presence in your life.
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