Wow, good and painful question. I was cheated on, and after discovering the truth I can look back and identify about a dozen signs that pointed to the infidelity. But without the confirmation after the fact, there is no way to really know what they are signs of. You can either be trusting and find out you missed all the signs, or you can be paranoid and imagine almost everything to be a sign.
Its really hard.

jaeW, I know why you didn't know that the affair was going on, because you trusted him and thought he felt as you did.... You had no plans to cheat on him and you didn't think he would.. Hun, you are not the one crazy but he is..

I know because I felt the same way...
My love was so trusting, but I knew there were problems. I have been the giver in our marriage and he was the taker..
His lusts that he couldn't control was never know by me..

He wouldn't talk to me because he thought talking about our problems would make me mad... I told him, did he think that having an affair would not make me MAD?

There are a lot of nutty people out there and my H is one of them....
I think most on this site feels as I do...

jaeW I too, like you, thought our marriage was stable, even though we had our problems. I believed that my H would never cheat on me-he said he never would, knew how I felt about it, so why would he?? Even when i asked him if he had, (he travelled constantly all over the world, so would sometimes be gone for 2-3 weeks), he denied it. So,yes, I understand exactly how stupid and amazed you are feeling. Now, when I look back on it, there were signs there, but, like I said, even when asked he denied it. Never again will I be so trusting, and that is the really sad part I think.

honestly, i believe i knew it was going on but didnt want to comprehend it. i tried to convince myself that surely he wouldnt be stupid enough to do it again after the hell i caused during the first encounter.
My suggestion to you would be to let him go and do his thing because chances are he wont stop and I dont care if others disagree with me.

thanks to you all...your responses truly do help. its crazy that i loved and trusted him so much that i did not see what was going on....but isn't that what i was suppose to do-trust him? my eyes are wide open now althought he swears this will never happen again-i tell him "go ahead and do it again, and a divorce will be the least of your problems." thanks to you all.

The signs were there but I also loved and trusted him so much that when I questioned him and he told me I was crazy and why would I think he would ever choose anyone over me or do that type of thing I believed him. Because I wanted to.

i had no idea but we were married yet so i dunno but once i asked him for a list of things that like only we had shared together and i was amazed at how long the list was he had sex w/ 4 girls and never did anything but sex it was like w/ ur husband 5 min. and he was gone..of course back in those days it was probably more like 2 well there goes me degrading my husbands teenage self to make mine feel better pathetic but whatever

the first time I knew. I felt it in my bones.. I just knew it. Second time I was fooled. He had none of the typical affair behavior. He wasn't dressing up or being gone for longer lengths of time. He was actually letting himself to go Hell with his appearance and grooming. Now although he did slip out of here on occassion late at night, I honestly thought he had found himself a drinking buddy. He had become a drunk. A dirty, non showering, drunk on the weekends. Who the hell would have wanted that? Also he was treating me pretty good. Calling me honey, baby, sweetie.. Saying I love you all the time. Buying me gifts and cards. I just didnt know.

I found out he was talking to another women after 6 wks because of the phone bill, but he "swore" it was nothing. He would see her after work, tell me he had to stay over for an hour. 1 night he took her out and stayed with her because he told me he was working. We had worked so hard to gain trust after an emotional affair 3 years ago, I trusted hime and he knew that, he took total advantage. I thought things were really good between us. I did think that he was closer to her then he admitted, but I never thought he was sleeping with her.

Jae,
Unfortunately, I agree with Carrol, yet am still considering reconcilliation.

I did not suspect because I trusted but now, I will always suspect. I will check on where he isoccasionally and I will go ballistic if my intuition kicks in.

That is where I am regarding his silly and continued minimization of the last affair. I KNOW HE IS WITHHOLDING INFORMATION. HE KNOWS THAT IF HE DOES NOT COME TOTALLY CLEAN BY THE TIME I AM READY TO RELOCATE TO UTAH, I GO ALONE. Sometimes he says, "Why wont you believe me?" I tell hiim that I trust my intuition much, much more than I trust him. If he chooses to leave me because I wont believe him or if I leave because I wont believe him, I will have no regrets. I know that the chances are that he will put me through this hell again, sometime in the next 15 or ??years,until I die, if we stay together. If I decide to not risk that, I will believe it is in my best interests. If I stay with him, I will be watchful and ALWAYS have an exit plan.

I feel pretty bloody stupid for putting my trust 100% into him to be let down like this. He carried it on whilst i was at work and as cathy513 says he was actually letting his appearance slip and was going to this woman from work when he was stinking without shower and having sex with her blow jobs and all its enough to make your stomach turn. No wonder i had massive bouts of cystitis and lucky i got nothing else. But i would never trust anyone like that again

You had no reason to suspect him that's why you didn't see it. After I found out I went searching through cheater websites and found a top 10 list of things to look out for, I could tick off 9 of them. But I had no reason to suspect anything so why would I check her phone records? why would I use a spy program? Don't beat yourself up about being the trusting one you after all where the one doing the right thing.

Well I had a very strong feeling...All the signs were there, everybody arround me told me they thought something was going on...everytime I said something to either of them they were able to convince me that I was crazy and I would even feel guilty about thinking it...so I turned into a detective and found my proof and felt horriable for snooping the whole time but I felt like I was loosing my mind....(I did not think they were having sex, I thought they were having an emotional affair)

I wont say we had a great marriage, I knew something was wrong but could never place it. It all started after our 1st was born and everyone thought it was post pardum. but after finding out everything just fell into place. Its hard to imagine an "A" when you put all your trust into someone.

I had no idea nor did he show any signs. I guess looking back, he did show some signs-but at the time I didn't see them for what they were. He sometimes wandered around our yard like he was in some other world. And I thought he appeared unhappy. When I asked-it was work that had him down. He was never out at night and when he did, he was never out late-usually home by 7pm. Anytime I called him when he was away, he was where he was suppose to be. To be honest, I believed he would never hurt me in this way. It was an old girlfriend from high school years back, that emailed him, I would assumed hoping to reconnect (she was going through a divorce). She lives 2 hours away, so not convenient or maybe it could have been far more to it, then there was-where I then would have the signs of "something". I was dealing with back issues and chronic pain for 5 years (at the time)-and it was discouraging for us both and definitely effected all that we enjoyed together. He works every other weekend (and know this to be true-his place of employment I can see from home). His weekends off, he often was invited to participate in golf outings (that most are all day events). In previous years he also had been but!! maybe twice in a summer, but this one summer, he did seem to be doing nearly every weekend he had off. I was actually happy for him to have the opportunity with getting out and enjoying himself, feeling it would help with all that I no longer could do with him. The first couple of outings, I do know were actual but do feel because of these and my being happy he had the opportunity to do-he used, with seeing her. I feel, with him seeing her at first-was out of curiosity, to see the person she is 30some years later. Still doesn't make it right. He says it was only one time and nothing happened-but also, they had 9 hours together-to do nothing?? golf outing was a 2 hour trip one way to get to (where I was told he was going) and most outings last most of the day-how he had the window frame of 9 hours. He says the rode around and talked throughout the day. I want to believe this-but don't. I also believe it wasn't the only time because of similarities of lies to the one time I now am aware of, to at least one other time he was golfing. How I found out?? I was checking my emails one day and for some reason, I received his emails instead and saw he received a email thru this one "reconnecting" site and checked it out-still believing it was only a friend and nothing for me to be all that concerned with. When I saw that it was her and did know who she was-I was devastated. I approached him with this and he eventually did admit to emails going to phone calls that went to them seeing one another-just the weekend before (only 3 days before I found the emails). I do feel and believe it was Gods way of letting me know-we had problems!! with getting his emails. It was only 2 months since the first email from her-to when I discovered the emails. He vows he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. That nothing happened with her nor did he have any thoughts of it going anywhere and had no plans of seeing her again. He promised no more emails or phone calls and of course never seeing her again. And I do believe he did end everything. He highly regrets what he did especially the loss of trust I now have (22 years worth of trust). I still hurt and have times I get so angry! And yes-feel stupid I saw nothing. I do have many unanswered questions. We are working on things, its been 2 1/2 years since my discovery. I have seen, just lately, even more signs of his love for me and with trying to find things for us to do together. Also-he hasn't been to any golf outings since either-I don't think he even dares to ask if I would mind-would only bring up bad memories and hurts if he did, which he does avoid doing as much as he can. At first I did feel devastated and felt my world turned upside down-with time the hurts do get better. But don't believe I'l ever have the same trust I had. MrsJ