I know there will be alot of tough love out there for this, so don't be shy. No matter how horrible, selfish, stupid, despicable, vile, cruel, and self centered cheating is, why is it still gut wrenching to admit that this is not fixable and that your family's future that you pictured is not going to be reality? Some backround. Wife had a 5 month affair before I even knew. Since then a whole lot of I don't know what I want, don't know how to be happy again, can't forgive myself, need to find myself and my way back. No counceling or actions towards reconciliation though. Separated for a month now. She still has contact with OM. Because of our kids ages still alot of contact between us. She is not working right now and is paying rent on an apartment for a 4 month lease that will end 11/30 with unemployment checks. She makes me feel guilty when I talk about filing, making it permanant and leaving her without her security. I told her I would try to wait until she found a job, but divorce may be the only thing that will let me move on. I wish I had more anger and use that to cease thinking about "us" in any way other than parents. I know in my head we can not be together and if she tried to move back into our house I would be forced to file for divorce. Somehow my heart is getting in the way of moving on. I don't think it is really being with her that I'm feeling, more about admitting I can't fix this. I failed at this marrige, I can't keep my family together. I see on this site how long it takes people to feel okay again. Anyway to speed that up? Tired of not feeling good, not being able to focus, and being distracted when I'm enjoying time with my kids. I have had some progress, just feel at the bottom of the roller coaster today.
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