I would struggle with this. I personally think she deserves about as much compassion as you got when he had the affair with her and left you. However, I know you want to be able to tell him something that will help.. Maybe just tell him to be honest with her and keep it short.

Please, he's worried about her feelings? Was she ever worried about YOUR feelings? She got involved with a married man that led to a separation and he's worried about her feelings? He's got to be kidding! Seriously!

Her feelings? Why is it the cheater ALWAYS thinks of the OP when they are with their spouse but they NEVER think of their spouse when they are with the OP?? Why is that? Do you think he asked is OW how to tell you of the affair without hurting your feelings? Did he ask her how to sneak around and have sex with her without hurting your feelings? Please?

My H was so worried after he told me about his affair. Not for me but for her. He never shed one tear for me. Not even an I'm sorry. He had enough respect for our kids that he stayed away from his OW for 24 hours while he decided what to do. (stay and cut all contact with her or leave). He confessed late and into the am on a Friday night. Sat. afternoon he made the decission to stay after he had to face our 3 teenagers.
On Sunday morning the 1st thing he said to me was, "She's going to be worried if I don't contact her. (They had plans on Sat. and he didn't make it) I need to do the right thing and meet with her. I owe it to her". He emailed her and they meet. He said he told her it was over. He called me right after and was crying, again not for hurting me and his kids but for hurting her, his whore. I had to hear how hard it was for her. How she had begged him to stay, how she cried. Do you think he told her how he hurt me? How our kids cried? No, niether one gave a damm about us.

After a few weeks I found out how they continued to contact each other. How she was still begging him to come back. How bad he felt for hurting her and how resentfull he was at me for making him give her up. She was so upset when he broke it off he couldn't tell her he was staying with his family, that would only hurt her more.
The biggest mistake I made was letting him meet with her alone and not be part of the break up. Not adding my face to what they had done. It was no longer all about them.
Bottom line, someone, everyone is going to get hurt in an affair. That's why they are wrong. It's a no win situation. The OW took that chance when she started the affair. You are much to kind?

ther is no easy way. be honest and to the point

Rita, Rita, Rita,
Why are you worried about her feelings?

From what I have read, he must be cold, it must be in front of you on the telephone...your feelings should be his only concern. he needs to say, "I have realized how much I have hurt my wife. I have decided to recommit to my marriage completely. My wife has been generous enough to ALLOW ME this opportunity. I can never see you again or speak, text, e0mail you. I want no contact with you whatsoever. What I did with you was wrong and caused severe emotional distress to my wife and therefore my children. Please do not contact me again". he is to have a script. Not ever say the word "we" when referring to he and his affair partner, so as to not give the slightest sign of togetherness or intimacy with her. he is NOT TO SAY HE IS SORRY for hurting HER. Unless, she was unaware of his being married, then he is expected to say, "I am sorry I lied to you but my only concern is my family or wife".

His ap;ologies should be only to yousweetheart. He betrayed you! She (if she knew he was married at any time) betrayed you! He owes loyalty, empathy and compassion to you alone.

I know that he may feel empathy for her, men often do, but he must never, ever give you reason to have to hear of his pain over her. He needs to discuss that with an individual counselor and not even with your marriage counselor. The focus of reconciliation is to heal the marriage and help the betrayed person to heal. Never, ever to help the betrayers to feel better. Perhaps, if it hurts, she will grow some morality and not behave in such a low class, immoral and whorish way again!

Is he for real!

What a complete jerk. I am sorry, but I would kick his unremorseful selfish ass to the kerb until he shows some sort of sympathy for you who is so clearly in pain and grieveing for what he has taken from you.

How dare he ask your advice on how to tell Her it's over with.

Sorry but matey, you need to take care of you and let him sort out his own mess!

You know I remember back to the first affair my h had five years ago. Not only was he more worried about the OW when they broke up, he asked me to try and help her through it. I will never forget that. The only thing I helped with was getting her children removed from her home. Rightfully so, due to other things going on in that home. BUt it felt damn good. The kids went to their father who indeed loved them and cared for them and that sorry bitch was left with nothing but an empty house. I still dont regret it. Your husband really has nerve.

The fact that he is concerned about hurting her means that he still harbours some feelings for her! If it is really over in his heart, then he will be guided by that and that alone!

she knew she was sleeping with a married man why does she need to be let down easy, and why is he so concerned with her feelings. did he think of your feelings while he was laying up with her, were your feeling spared? my husband use to defend his mistress, not in a mean way towards me, but when i said things he would say that it was "not like that." that use to piss me off. i wanted him to hate her as much as i hated both of them, but truth of the matter is, she listened to his lies and gave it up whenever he said, so of course his feelings towards her were different from mine.

anyway i say he just needs to tell her that you know about the afair and that he chooses you, his wife over her, his whore. she knew what she was getting her self into so she has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

whats crazy is that they think that they are "it" so when they decide to leave the mistress alone, they think they should feel sorry for her because she is losing such a gem and that you are the winner because they chose you, so they feel the need to let their lover down easy because they might just go and kill themselves because they lost such a great thing. hey you as the spouse won and their "bumping buddy" lost out. so of course her feeling should be handled gently. what the f$%k ever! (excuse me, i could not resist.)

boy, i'm pretty good, i should have a penis (no offense)

i love you guys!

Sorry babe... who cares about her feelings !! Think of yourself...Good luck

Tell him to leave her a post it note on the fridge thats all she deserves

Norreen, that was classic haha! I like the way you think!

Rita,
We are not trying to hurt or humiliate you. you r in a kind of shock, perhaps and just not seeing things in a clear way. unless, you agree, that your husband is this prize and whoever wins is lucky to have him...and maybe you do...and maybe you are right...who knows...is he Hugh Grant? Nevermind, that is not important, just listen, openly, we cant all be wrong. speak to a counselor...please.

Jae, OMG, your so right about them thinking they are the prize. I wondered why my husband would say, "well who has me..you or her?". when I would feel insecure and want to know how he could give to her what was ours. It never even occured to me to be that egotisitcal! I won!!! Yeah....h....a...arg!

Cathy,
I dont remember you saying that, about her children, good for you! My h thought his mistress and I might be friends...hahahahaha
ha...he and I arent even friends anymore.

rita... why on earth should you care about how he tells her... why is he even condisdering her feelings over yours... did you get let down softly or did it just hit you bam in the face..

my H asked me how to tell his slut and i told him to tell her he was done being her fuck buddy...

my H used to put her feelings above mine and his loyalty used to be to her and honestly that didnt work for me.. sorry but i`m the one he cheated on not her...she had a choice to be with him... you or I didn`t ask for another person to be brought in the marriage.. sorry but her feelings are not the ones that he should be considering, it should be yours... Take Care of YOU

I agree with pianogirl. Why would you even care about the OW feelings? I just don't get it. It's her turn to hurt just like you got hurt. She will move on to the next married man, believe me.