I AM SO SORRY FOR YOU AND FEEL YOUR PAIN. MY HUSBAND AND I WERE DATING FOR 7 YEARS WHEN WE GOT MARRIED AND NOW WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10 YEARS. WE HAVE A 2 YEAR OLD SON AND ALMOST 11 MONTHS AGO I FOUND OUT THAT NOT ONLY HAD HE BEEN CHEATING FOR 4 YEARS OFF AND ON WITH THE SAME PERSON BUT THAT THEY HAD A CHILD TOGETHER ONLY 4 MONTHS YOUNGER THAN OUR SON. HE SAID THAT HE STARTED CHEATING BECAUSE OF A LACK OF SEX BUT THE PROBLEM WAS HE NEVER CAME TO ME AND TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT, HE JUST DECIDED TO GO AND JUMP IN THE BED WITH A MARRIED MOTHER OF 2 WHO LATER HAD BABY NUMBER 3 WITH HER HUSBAND(SHE HAD HER HUSBAND TAKE A PATERNITY TEST BECAUSE SHE WAS SLEEPING AROUND) AND ONCE HER HUSBAND LEFT HER SHE HAD BABY NUMBER 4 WITH MY HUSBAND. HE SWEARS ON EVERYTYHING THAT HE LOVES THAT HE NEVER LOVED HER BECAUSE HE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS ABOUT BUT HE TRUSTED HER ENOUGH TO RISK NOT ONLY HIS LIFE BUT MINE AND OUR UNBORN CHILD(SAYING THAT MAKES ME SICK ON THE STOMACH) ANYWAY, HE HAS CHANGED AND BELIEVE YOU ME IF I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THAT HE WAS DOING THE SAME THING HE WOULD NOT MAKE IT TO DIVORCE COURT(IF YOU GET MY DRIFT). THIS IS JUST SO HARD TO DEAL WITH AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. THIS SITE REALLY HELPED ME COPE AND IT IS A WAY TO GET AND GIVE ADVICE. I HAVE GOTTEN A LOT OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT HERE AND I HOPE THE SAME FOR YOU. I AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED TO CHAT. MY HUSBAND IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO SHOW HOW SORRY HE IS AND HOW MUCH HE WANTS THIS. I WISH HE WOULD HAVE NEVER DONE WHAT HE DID, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. MOST PEOPLE THINK I AM CRAZY TO STAY WITH HIM BUT I HAVE WEIGHTED THE GOOD AGAINST THE BAD AND THAT IS WHY I AM STILL HERE. I WILL ADMIT THAT I AM TRULY AFRAID OF WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR US, BECAUSE OF THIS CHILD BUT I JUST TRY TO FACE EACH DAY AS IT COMES. I KNOW IT'S HARD, BUT REMEMBER WHAT DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER AND I AM GETTING STRONGER EVERYDAY. SOME DAYS YOU WILL JUST WANT TO LAY DOWN AND DIE, BUT IT WILL GET EASIER, I PROMISE. I AM HERE.

I am sorry for you too..I understand what your going through. For a long time I wondered what I did to drive her to cheat,,then I realized..I didnt cause it..our marriage may not have been perfect but I did my best...She never even hinted to me that she wanted somthing else...just went out and did it..the sad truth is that some people only put their needs first and dont care who they hurt. You didnt cause his cheating, he did this on his own. He should have spent the time and energy he spent cheating on working on the marriage first.

My ex used the sex card too. The affair is about him, not you. To have the ups and downs are normal. Hang in there.

The ups and downs are going to be with you for a while. It is NOT your fault.
My ex fiance gave me ALL KINDS of "reasons" , ie EXCUSES for why he cheated, including but not limited to:
1.) I wanted attention.
2.) It was just sex.
3.) She seems attracted to me.
4.) She was VERY VERY ATTRACTIVE. ( NO she WASNT).
5.) I felt trapped.
6.) I was scared.
7.) SHE FORCED ME AND TOLD ME SHE WOULD BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.
8.) I didnt think I was doing anything wrong.
9.) My mommy made me do it.
And the list goes on. Yes, he actually said his mommy made him do it.

There is no reason for them to do these things sometimes and I understand how horridly depressed, and up and down you can be feeling.

Please give YOU a break and help YOU breath and move on to a better life without him. Easier said than done, I know.

Deep breaths.

It is OK to ramble here. My husband used the same excuse. That is what it is an excuse. They decided to cheat/ You are not to blame. It is going to be a rollarcoaster for a while. I started going to the gym again (because I lost a few pounds not eating after I found out - I don't suggest not eating!) Write in your journal. Take time for you. Don't blame yourself. i only starting feeling better when I stopped doing that. Good luck.

Thank you Momto2. I, too, lost some weight, and even though I'm not starving myself by any means, I have continued to lose a little here and there. I haven't reached my goal yet, but I'm working on it.

The rollercoaster ride will go on for a little while...but the hills aren't as bumpy towards the end of the ride. There are days when I wake up mad and get depressed thinking about it. But, there are now many, many days that I can wake up and the thought doesn't cross my mind. I don't look for red cars anymore. I don't scan the room looking for his face when I walk into a diner or a store. It takes time, but it does get better.

The affair was not your fault. His claims are very familiar to all of us. There is probably some truth on both sides. But, he decided to have his needs met elsewhere.

I got very distant from my wife. There were times when we didn't want to be in the same room with each other. But, I did eventually get fed up with her complaining about no sex when she was sleeping in my daughter's room. I got a little tired of hearing about our different body clocks when I was still wide awake and she insisted she had to be in bed by 8:30. But, I also played a lot of late night games on the computer. I had a lot of homework. I basically abandoned her for at least a few years. So, she didn't feel loved and close to me like she should have. And, instead of being able to talk about it, she screamed at me...which made me get more distant...you see the vicious cycle.

So, to an extent, we both played the blame game on each other for a while. But, I didn't choose to have an affair. Who had time for ANOTHER woman on top of everything else I had to do? We didn't communicate with each other. We didn't get help. I'm just glad that we're able to do that now.

Sorry to share so much of our story, but some of it applies. You're going to feel hurt and angry for a long time. But, you will heal. It does get better. You didn't cheat.

I know, but I like the roller coaster when it's at the top of the hill. It's the decent that's a killer. In my head I know everything will be fine; I know it wasn't my fault; I know I'll be better off without him; I know that I wasn't really happy either. Some days it's harder to make the heart beleive what the head says.

Well...since my wife is bipolar, we ride what is called the bipolarcoaster. So, after many years of pretty extreme highs and lows, I have learned to enjoy the Tin Lizzy when I can ride that. Just a slow, flat ride around a track in an old car. That's what is now fun to me. Sad, isn't it? When I get on the coaster, the highs are fun, but I have to remember to take a look around at the scenery while I can...cause the thing is about to come crashing down and you can't see the pretty things as well when you're down at the bottom.

You didnt do anything wrong, they the cheaters just need to put the blame on someone else to make themselves feel better.The roller coaster ride will be there for awhile, it takes time to get off it.!!!My ex used the the sex excuse too and we did have a healthy sex life. Thats not an excuse or a reason to cheat.

Thank you hurtinaz for your support. I'm happy to say that it took me three months, but I am no longer on the emotional roller coaster. The ride is over, and I finally feel normal again.

You have to give yourself time. I am up and down each day. And I never know if it is going to be a day I hate him or a day I love him. Somedays I wish I would have told mine to leave right away, but I couldnt do that to our kids. I am so sick of them using the sex issue. None of us have left for lack of emmotional support! Feel free to ramble here anytime. If we didnt...who knows where any of us would be.