I would like to think we can make it work by changing the questions. By being more in tuned to ourselves and each other, we can be more honest about our needs. So don't beat yourself up because you still question him. Just be open.

I have the same concerns. I honestly think that my H is really trying....In my journal for today I put comments in there that things are done in small steps, miracles can't happen overnight so don't expect them......I have expected them and they never happen.
I am beginning to trust him ....a little...but I will still check on him. I just hope and pray that I will not be disappointed.
Things will never be the same...hopefully they will be better.That is what I am working towards.
Take a step back and look at things from a distance. Try to be open minded. It helps me to post in the journal on this site.Maybe it would help you as well.
As hard as it is.....I am trying to move forward...I don't want to know the details because the images and thoughts that I have in my head now are enough ....I couldn't handle anymore. H wants to let his go and move on...he knows he hurt me...devasted me is more accurate. He sees it every day because I am not sleeping at night.
We are doing things together now and showing each other in their own way that we care.
Good luck!!!!!

"Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.

I just posted this on another thread, but it is true. Eveytime my H has had contact with the OW, our relationship has changed.

Things will never be the way they were before. We can still have a marriage, and I will always be in love,but on my guard. I wasn't like that before the A.

Your marriage, unfortunately, will never be the same again. That doesn't mean it can't be even better. Time will allow you to heal more and more. As long as he doesn't withdraw from the trust bank, he will be able to build up plenty of trust. But, each time he withdraws from the trust bank, it will alert you. You will likely always be suspicious of him. It's been over a year since d-day and I still have extended periods of time when I wonder what's going on. I think the insecurity and the destroyed self-images are what we really have to deal with. After all, we can't control the other person. If they want to have another affair, or continue the first one, then they will adjust their tatics and continue. There's really nothing we can do about it. But, when they did it the first time, it destroyed parts of us. It made us insecure when we were once secure. It made any bad self-esteem come to the surface. Why were we not good enough? Why were we not able to meet their needs? There MUST be something wrong with us, right? The intimacy of the marriage bed is also destroyed. That promise to forsake all others is broken. Someone else is now in your bed. That is a horrible, horrible thing for me to come to grips with. Our relationship is no longer pure. It makes ME feel dirty and I did nothing wrong.

But, commuication is now better. For the first time in our marriage, she is starting to tell me what is going on instead of saying something cryptic and wanting me to read her mind. I am now wise to the lies and the tactics. I have installed spyware and feel comfortable that there is nothing going on. If I randomly check her phone or the computer and find nothing, then there is a deposit made into the trust bank.

But, loving someone is a very scary thing. Allowing someone into our lives opens us up for the possibility of hurt. Once that trust has been violated, it puts us in a very, very sensitive position. We don't want to be hurt, it is natural to protect ourselves. So...all that being said...this is really not about your husband anymore. He will do what he wants to do and you really have no control over that. What we have to do is concentrate on our own healing. Our spouses, hopefully, will continue to try to build up trust and fix what they broke. It is their main responsibility. They crushed us. They need to try to fix what they broke and build us back up again. We can also try to make any improvements that we want to make. But, we don't need the pressure of trying to change everything while also healing. We need to take time to heal. That time is different for everyone. It breaks my heart when I hear about spouses that say we just need to get over this and go on. No, it doesn't work that way. You can't say to an open wound..."Hurry up and heal." Not only does that not work, it is likely to cause some sort of infection because we're breathing and spitting germs into the open wound. We can't hurry the process. It takes time. It may take therapy. But, we can survive it if we take care of it. So, take care of yourself. Healing will come with time...but there is always going to be a scar.

I agree w/ JayGee completely. There are no magic words-only one day @ a time. Nothing will ever be the same again after your marriage has experienced infidelity. You always wonder what will happen next? Your marriage can be better than before by reconizing what happened & why it took the affair to open your eyes. For me, I had to own my part in what drove him into another woman's arms. Instead of talking about how we were feeling we found "immediate gratification" elsewhere. I chose to spend all my free time w/ my Grandkids & he felt rejected & jealous. He told me he never wanted to fall in love w/ the OW it just happened. The first time I saw him after 9 months of separation he had lost 30 lbs & looked empty & souless. His guilt was wrecking his life & his body. We love each other more today than we ever have. Believe me- there is hope.