Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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deleted_user 10/15/2007

Hi, This is my first post, I've been hunting for a place to talk for ages!!! So I am sad to say that I am glad to find a place where people are in the same boat and have experienced/experiencing what I am going through.

I am not married but engaged. I found another women had been in contact with my fiance, to cut a long story short, she said they had been seeing each other for 7 months, he has denied it all, but there's too many details to just ignore.

We were (well I thought)kind of moving on when another 'girl' came along, who has claimed the same sort of thing.

I was shattered when I found out about all this stuff, and can not comprehend how he could do this to me, I honestly believe its another person (but don't) I mean for him to propose and all the rest confuses me so much? Why make a commitment to someone when you have been seeing other people... I think thats why I still hang on hoping he hasn't cheated, but the other half of me keeps telling me he's a cheater.

Why won't he admit what he has done and let us both move on?? I know it sounds silly but if he's cheated I want to hear it from him just to make sure, otherwise I really don't want to leave him. He is my first love, and the way I feel for him words can not descibe(cliche I know) but I just don't understand why he would go to so much effort in making our relationship semi work if he wasn't 100% sure about us getting married etc. It just seems like such a waste of time!?

We have argued for 10 months straight, daily and have both tried to end our relationship many times but I can't understand why, if he has cheated he wouldn't just admit it and leave, why go through all this misery??

Any advice will be appreciated..

deleted_user 10/15/2007

Sorry its so long.. I just realised.

deleted_user 10/15/2007

maybe he wont admit it because he feels in his mind if he doesnt admit things you wont leave? I dont know.. I'm sorry you're going through this misery. You came to the right place for support. Lots of it here. *hugs*

deleted_user 10/15/2007

When my husband and I went to counseling, I told the therapist that I had a feeling for a long time something was going on. She said the other person always knows. So maybe it's not a "physical" cheating but an emotional one. I wish he would come clean with you also. Wish I could be of more help.

deleted_user 10/15/2007

I know you dont want to hear this but run before you make a huge mistake. You have to trust your instincts. If you really believe he is having an affair then chances are he is. The evidence is there. I wish you well.

deleted_user 10/15/2007

He won't admit it because he's not really been caught. He thinks that if he lies his butt off, he can get away with it again. But, if you trust these OW, then you need to look long and hard whether or not you want to go through life with this man. Sounds like he's still a kid. He's not ready for marriage. If you marry him after all this, then you already know pretty much what to expect. The other option is that he's telling the truth and these OW are lying. I don't know...you need proof. How did he have contact with the OW? Cell phone? Can he show you his text messages without making excuses so he can erase them first? Can he show you email accounts on the spot without making excuses? What's his excuse for what these OW are saying? Why do they want to destroy his life with lies like that? They must either really hate him or really have some sort of stalker fantasies about him.

deleted_user 10/15/2007

Well from what they say, he would text and call from work. There was a point where he din't like me looking at his phone yes. Like I said ALOT of details, but in some twisted way I believe him when he tells me they're lying.

deleted_user 10/15/2007

Why does he say they are lying? Why would he not like you looking at his phone? I've never, ever had a problem with my wife looking at my phone. There's nothing to hide.

deleted_user 10/15/2007

Well that was when I started to question him, that was how it all came about. I found a text from another women and rung her etc... But he has put so much effort into working this out I don't understand why he would bother if he had cheated?
I'm just so lost, I am still deeply in love with him but at the same time I don't want to be with someone who doesn't deserve me, I have been nothing but loyal and have given him my all. I guess if he has cheated, why would he admit it? How could a person who has done that sort of thing even feel guilty or the need to tell their partner?
But why carry on in the relationship?

deleted_user 10/15/2007

Well...so far...because he can. He's gotten by with it. Most guys are not going to stop, in my opinion, until he faces the consequences of his actions. My wife has tried really, really hard to gain back my trust. She came clean because she couldn't live with herself anymore. Maybe he's trying so hard because he wants to prove to you that he loves you. But, if he did anything inappropriate, he needs to tell you the truth. A marriage can't be built on lies and secrets. I would suggest getting ALL of the secrets out in the open before the marriage. If you can't handle the secrets, then you're not ready to marry the person. No one is perfect. We all have flaws. It's okay to find out about the flaws before you get married so you can both decide if you can live with that...because you will have to live with that. If you found a text message, then there was SOMETHING inappropriate. He needs to tell you the truth, or you need to seriously consider getting out of this relationship. Trust me...it is much, much harder to get over the hurt of an affair after you're married and have children. It will rip your heart out then. He needs to tell you now, not in twenty years after he's had another affair because he got away with this one.

And, most people here would tell you to trust your instincts. Most of us would not suspect our spouses of having an affair unless they were. Of course my wife was convinced I was having an affair and I SOOO wasn't. I made a promise that I would be faithful to her, and I kept it. So, the instincts are not always right. But, the fact that you had some proof is still a red flag. He needs to find a VERY GOOD explanation for that text message you found.

Thriver 10/16/2007

From what you have written, I have a hard time thinking that he has not cheated.
I had a first love too. For 5 years. I knew he had cheated but he always had an explanation and swore nothing would happen again. One day, he slipped and told me that he started with the one woman even before we had met. For some reason, it made it possible for me to leave. I saw that we could never get 'back' to the time when all was good. It felt like my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest. I walked around whole days feeling as if I had been punched hard in the stomach. Until then I had thought it was a cliche - can't eat, can't sleep, etc. it happened.
But I can say this: it would have been light years worse, if we had gotten married, had a wonderful beautiful ceremony in front of everyone, (including his friends who knew he cheated) and maybe even had children. I would have wanted to save that experience for a real relationship with someone I could trust deep down and be with forever.
My fiance at the time lied and lied. I had to see it with my own eyes before I believed it, and this was entirely by chance. And still I was dumb enough to carry on for a while.
Well, enough about me. what are you going to do?

deleted_user 10/16/2007

My only advise is to leave. You want to believe him because you love him. If you have proof looking you in the face, you need to look at that proof.

My ex FIANCE did the same SHIT to me. Cheated and lied and lied and lied.

deleted_user 10/16/2007

BA,

I was hoping you would see this and respond b/c YOU immediately came to mind. You know first hand what she is going through. Hope YOU are doing well. :)

deleted_user 10/16/2007

P,
As Cathy said, this is a good place for support.

I think, if you r anything like me, the reason u cannot completely believe he is this person who is lying and cheating, is because it takes a whole world view change.

In other words, this is not a one-night stand, he came to u, confessed, u forgave, end of story.

This says something is VERY WRONG with him. And, of course, that makes u think, What is wrong with me? Your whold world has been turned upside down and you are in shock. right now u will do almost anything to make it not true.

I know, me too. I have told my husband many times, if HE had not been the one to tell me about his affair, I WOULD NEVER HAVE BELIEVED IT! NEVER! Fifteen women could have swopped down on me carrying videos of sex with him and babes in their arms who resemble him and I would NOT have believed them!

Your F may never admit the truth, as Jay said, until he is caught with the cookie in his hand.

You may need to do some sluething, speak to the women who called you again. Take a photo of him and ask neighbors or nearby bars and rstuarants if they have seen him there with a (tall brunett?). Do what u need to do to be certain.

Dont make any life changes until u do. BA is right, u want to walk down the isle with someone who u know respects and loves u.

I am sorry, I know how much this hurts and I wish I could say it will be brief, it will not, but it will end sooner, if u find the truth.

deleted_user 10/16/2007

Thanx for all your replies, I really do appreciate it. Kinda brought me to a downer for the begining of the day, just because everyday I go home (we live together) he's there and he is just so lovely. But yes I totally agree that there is no point in carrying on in this relationship if he's been unfaithful. Its so sad and hurts so much!! I still don't know how he could be so heartless... I can't believe its him.

pianogirl 10/16/2007

Pianaka, you are in a mourning stage over losing what you thought you had. I understand how painful that is- we all do. But, do not marry this man. He proposed because he loves you and your history together in one way, but he wants to keep getting all he can on the side, too. Maybe he's one of those men that thinks that's normal or acceptable. This is not a good recipe. Get out fast is my advice. I wish you the very best.

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