
Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

deleted_user
I need help. I am being asked alot of questions about my affairs. How do I tell my wife that I honestly don't know. And this seems to be the biggest problem the (I don't know)statement. Yes it has been awhile since my indiscretions and I honestly would walk by the OW's on the street and not recognize them. I seem to have blocked many of these thoughts out of my mind. Possibly to forget but more than likely to hopefully anul or wipe clean the slate in my mind and heart.
I also need to know how to tell my wife that I do love her and that the A was only physical and not emotional.
Thanks
I also need to know how to tell my wife that I do love her and that the A was only physical and not emotional.
Thanks
Posts You May Be Interested In
-
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
-
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
You must accept what you have done as completely wrong, normally unforgiveable and simply accept her lack of trust and lashing out in hurt and pain until your wife is ready and willing to forgive you. What happened may not have been emotional for you but how it has effective your wife is very much emotional and carries with it the most intense pain any spouse can endure. If she is still with you and wants to let you stay you must give her the time to work through it all. You must be as honest and completely open when she asks questions, even if you think you don't want to hurt her more. Nothing will hurt like the realization that her husband traded sex for her love.
My only other offer of help is to turn to God and ask His forgiveness and help together. This is something deeper than a normal life lesson for you have broken your promise to her and to God by turning away from your vows at the alter. I hope you can endure this and get the help you can both use being patient for the time it will take for that counselor to need to guide you both to a better and healthy marriage once again. I will pray for you both in this long journey you are embarking on.
I do have one idea... For me I wanted to know who, what, when, where. I didn't want to know every little gorey detail but enough to find out or try to diagnosis what when wrong, why did he feel the need to step out of the marriage, and how the hell do I stop this from happening again. In all honesty I don't know how i'm getting through this and I doubt i could do it again. If we're lucky, do enough research maybe we can fix this. For many betrayed people we have to know all of the details before we can heal. It sounds macochistic but it's the only way.
Have you tried to explain to your wife that for you to function with your actions you've had to erase as much as possible. And for your wife's sake I'd try to work on remembering as much as possible to give her the peace of mind she's seeking. Good luck
I think you have to figure out WHY you had those affairs. Was there something your wife wasn't giving you? Did it give you a "high" by getting away with it? My H has ADHD. Risky behavior something those with ADHD do. I have a hard time accepting this, but he needed to learn not go give in to those tendencies. You need to dig really deep and find the "root" of your behavior.
Good Luck.
Good luck to both you and your wife!
You can tell her you loved her (if that was the case) and how you could still have sex with OW without needing to love them... whatever.... you can give her reasons other than I don't know why.... that is the ultimate cop out and I think the answer that really drives the betrayed wife or husband crazy. It minimizes everything and makes the marriage sound so unimportant and it makes you sound like you are just too lazy and uncaring to even try to think about it....
Women have a very hard time separating love and sex so....you really need to spend time explaining how that works for men...etc...I hope this advice helps you to help your wife heal....
I have been working on the "I don't remember" statement. And I have found out that yes the truth hurts not only me but also her too. I have also been trying to reword my answers so that she maybe able to understand them better. This has also worked. The real thing is the honesty and truthfullness in explaining my actions in the past.
Thanks all
As others have said, I think what you really need to explore in detail with yourself and your wife is why you did what you did and work on that so you won't repeat the behavior. That way you can come up with strategies for dealing with those feelings or behaviors in the future so more affairs won't take place.
I realize now that i wanted many of the details of what occurred so that I could get insight into exactly why my H had the affair and what he was really feeling at the time vs. what he was telling me he was feeling which I still do not trust.
I also wanted to know that I had been right and not crazy, possessive, jealous and suspicious which is what I was accused of at the time. It was important for me to get validation that my instincts and intuition had been 100% correct.
Be gentle with your wife. Treat her with kindness and respect. Tell her how much you love her, need her and are sorry you did this to her. Trust me - you can't say it enough. Accept 100% responsibility for your behavior and your choices. Tell her you will tell her everything she wants to know, but if you know an answer is going to be particularly painful, warn her of this and then ask her if she really wants to know. Do not minimize the situation. When she gets angry let her vent her frustration and anger and be remorseful, loving and tender rather than defensive. Tell her you cherish her and appreciate her willingness to work on things rather than ending them, and let her know you will do what you can to make things up to her. Tell her you will be accountable and when she is suspicious and wants to check on you, let her no matter how smothered and hindered you feel. It will lessen with time and help her get through things easier and faster. It won't be quick or easy so if you can't do this you should probably throw in the towel. Its the price you have to pay for the damage you have done.
Thanks for the advice. I have done some very deep soul searching and have given those findings to my wife. I have also made a real effort in not saying those hated words to her. I have not yet asked her if she really wants to know or try to soften it. This I will try to do. My best effort has been to rexplain to her things she does not understand in other words so that she can hopefully understand my mindset at the time.
Again thanks
It might help to try to put yourself in her place. affairs dont "happen" like car accidents!
They takeintention, planning, lying and callous disregard for your wife and your marriage vows.
If you are like most of the cheaters I know about, you"compartmentalize" those feelings and justifications you used at the time.
They are not "lost" they are just safely tucked away in a drawer, so that YOU dont have to see and deal with your guilt and shame.
Trust me, guilt and shame are intended to be "felt" and admitted. This is how ALL OF US learn to behave empathetically towards those we care about. It HURTS when we dont.
The goal is to "feel the pain" it will cause our loved ones, BEFORE we betray them! Not to "avoid" the God-given gift of guilt!
That, by the way, is why those of us who DO NOT CHOOSE TO BETRAY OUR LOVED ONES, CHOOSE not to do so.
Get into ind therapy if needed. Only by facing your demons will you have any hope of not repeating your behavior.
If you do not dig out those memories, YOUR WIFE SHOULD NOT TRUST YOU, because the very same "unknown" inner conflicts" will cause you to want to escape from your "unknown" feelings of inadequacy, as they did before.
One cannot forgive what one is unaware of. You cannot forgive yourself and change into the husband she deserves. She cannot forgive you, without knowing what and how you could have done this to her.