You are not alone in that you have one answer for your wife..."I don't know". Many, many cheaters have that answer because they have not really found a good enough reason within themselves for what they did (there is none actually) and also because they have tried to forget because of the guilt that it also carries. To say you love your wife is easy but to get her to once again believe you will be hard. I see you have seen two counselors and feel they have nothing more to offer than to take things day by day. This is really all they offer you at this point for you are still trying to find out all the whys, I'm sorrys, I love you stills and I want you to forgive me.

You must accept what you have done as completely wrong, normally unforgiveable and simply accept her lack of trust and lashing out in hurt and pain until your wife is ready and willing to forgive you. What happened may not have been emotional for you but how it has effective your wife is very much emotional and carries with it the most intense pain any spouse can endure. If she is still with you and wants to let you stay you must give her the time to work through it all. You must be as honest and completely open when she asks questions, even if you think you don't want to hurt her more. Nothing will hurt like the realization that her husband traded sex for her love.

My only other offer of help is to turn to God and ask His forgiveness and help together. This is something deeper than a normal life lesson for you have broken your promise to her and to God by turning away from your vows at the alter. I hope you can endure this and get the help you can both use being patient for the time it will take for that counselor to need to guide you both to a better and healthy marriage once again. I will pray for you both in this long journey you are embarking on.

I have to give it to Pudsy-she nailed it. My husband too has told me that his A's have been unemotional and "don't mean anything." But here's the catch- it may mean nothing to him but it means the world to me. Why? Because it destroyed my world. Because it was not emotional doesn't mitigate the pain. It hurts just as much if not more because if you could sleep with someone that you don't love then what's stopping you from hopping in the next person's bed that you don't love? I'd forget that defense and focus on loving your wife...
I do have one idea... For me I wanted to know who, what, when, where. I didn't want to know every little gorey detail but enough to find out or try to diagnosis what when wrong, why did he feel the need to step out of the marriage, and how the hell do I stop this from happening again. In all honesty I don't know how i'm getting through this and I doubt i could do it again. If we're lucky, do enough research maybe we can fix this. For many betrayed people we have to know all of the details before we can heal. It sounds macochistic but it's the only way.
Have you tried to explain to your wife that for you to function with your actions you've had to erase as much as possible. And for your wife's sake I'd try to work on remembering as much as possible to give her the peace of mind she's seeking. Good luck

Interestingly, my H said the same thing. He blocked it out of his mind. I guess it's a "guy" thing. I have to tell you that my therapist said told him to honestly answer (the best he could) to the questions I had. If she starts asking inappropriate questions, it's fair to say "this will only hurt you, do you really want to know?"

I think you have to figure out WHY you had those affairs. Was there something your wife wasn't giving you? Did it give you a "high" by getting away with it? My H has ADHD. Risky behavior something those with ADHD do. I have a hard time accepting this, but he needed to learn not go give in to those tendencies. You need to dig really deep and find the "root" of your behavior.

Good Luck.

If I were your W it would be incredibly helpful to me to see your question exactly as you posed it here. (As in I would show her). Also it would mean a lot to me to know that you are seeking answers for the two of you. It would show me that you really cared and are concerned about her. My H appears to be able to wipe his slate clean much too easily for someone who had an affair for 2+ years (or however long it really was since he is not at all forthcoming). He says it is too painful for him to think about waht he has done so I am never to mention it or be sad in his presence. Translation...he is more concerned with his pain then mine. Just like he was more concerned with his pleasure than my pain. I don;t get that from you. That should be good news for your W. Sometimes I wish it were a just sex thing but that was not the case. I'll never know the whole story and the depths of his feelings for her.

Good luck to both you and your wife!

I know that having it blocked out of your mind seems less painful, but not only is it more painful to your spouse because they need answers, it is also more painful to you in the long run. I didn't want to think about the details of what I had done, but my H needed to know them. I eventually started writing in an attempt to remember for his sake. it was very painful and made me feel dirty all over again, but my H needed to know. I told him, and we worked through it. Do whatever you have to to come to grips with what you did and look it in the face. Your spouse needs those answers to be able to start healing and someday move on.

Look...You will NEVER beable to "wipe out" what you did. Maybe over time your wife will beable to live with the fact that you hurt her so bad when you cheated on her. then not to beable to admit that you have some problems...Just remember your wife is hurting. All because of you...How sad is that? Just remember it is so important to keep EVERY promise you have made to her after the affair has been known...That will show that you really are trying and really do care. If you break one of those promises ---theres a real good chance you have totally lost your wife. GOOD LUCK !!!

Stop saying I don't know...that is an insult to your wife's intelligence....try to do some thinking,meditating, become a little introspective...and maybe give her some insights as to where your head was at at the time....maybe you don't remember the OW-that's possible. Maybe the OW didn't matter,it could have been anyone who fit the bill...Tell her why....though.. You do remember your state of mind...where you lonely? did you feel neglected at home? where you beginning to feel really old and worried about your sexual performance? or were you worried that you were getting old and had missed out on all the fun and variety that other men had in their sex lives? where you bored with your wife? was there peer pressure? were friends of yours having affairs and you thought it was cool? You get the picture....you can ABSOLUTELY give her a ton of reasons rather than just I don't know why.....
You can tell her you loved her (if that was the case) and how you could still have sex with OW without needing to love them... whatever.... you can give her reasons other than I don't know why.... that is the ultimate cop out and I think the answer that really drives the betrayed wife or husband crazy. It minimizes everything and makes the marriage sound so unimportant and it makes you sound like you are just too lazy and uncaring to even try to think about it....
Women have a very hard time separating love and sex so....you really need to spend time explaining how that works for men...etc...I hope this advice helps you to help your wife heal....

well there are a few things. One stop saying "A" call it was it was an affair. "OW" other women. That'll be a good start. You slept with the other women for a reason people don't just hop up and do something that drastic for uum no reason at all. So whether you were bored with her, the other women were more sexual or prettier or you just didn't give a damn about her feelings....there is a reason. The biggest slap in the face to any person is to be betrayed, hurt and disrespected and ten all the person says is duh I don kno. It seems like you need to honest with yourself first. My husband sat me don't and said we need to talk and out it came I slept with so and so. I respected him for that. I asked the questions that every woman asks and then I started my proccess of healing. The best thing any person can do if you love the other person is be truthful. It's gonna hurt the HELL out of her. And she's gonna go through changes, but if you care not to hurt her any further just be there. Don't expect it to just go away because you told her you have a LONG road ahead of you. You should get help to find out why you do careless and thoughtless things like cheat on a person you say you love. Love by the way does't hurt. Please don't think I'm being mean or harsh because I'm not. But affairs are very damaging to all parties and the only way to get through it is be 100% real! I mean not holding anything back. You can't say you don't want to get into details not to hurt her. She's already going to be devestated so just put it all out there. Your lacking something...tell her what it is. She can be whatever you want her to be, but you MUST be completely honest. good luck and god bless.

Have you got anymore input...I am looking to the "cheaters" to help me understand my husband...You know get into the mind of the cheater. Please let me know. Thanks

To All here,
I have been working on the "I don't remember" statement. And I have found out that yes the truth hurts not only me but also her too. I have also been trying to reword my answers so that she maybe able to understand them better. This has also worked. The real thing is the honesty and truthfullness in explaining my actions in the past.

Thanks all

My husband has also said "I don't know or I don't remember" at times and I believe him because he has been forthcoming with a lot of things that have really hurt me so he knows adding another won't really make that much difference. He also admits that some of the things he doesn't remember are things that he should remember but he just can't or that he hasn't examined the "why" thoroughly enough so at this time he still doesn't know. I do believe that sometimes things are just so painful to recall that our memory blocks them out.

As others have said, I think what you really need to explore in detail with yourself and your wife is why you did what you did and work on that so you won't repeat the behavior. That way you can come up with strategies for dealing with those feelings or behaviors in the future so more affairs won't take place.

I realize now that i wanted many of the details of what occurred so that I could get insight into exactly why my H had the affair and what he was really feeling at the time vs. what he was telling me he was feeling which I still do not trust.

I also wanted to know that I had been right and not crazy, possessive, jealous and suspicious which is what I was accused of at the time. It was important for me to get validation that my instincts and intuition had been 100% correct.

Be gentle with your wife. Treat her with kindness and respect. Tell her how much you love her, need her and are sorry you did this to her. Trust me - you can't say it enough. Accept 100% responsibility for your behavior and your choices. Tell her you will tell her everything she wants to know, but if you know an answer is going to be particularly painful, warn her of this and then ask her if she really wants to know. Do not minimize the situation. When she gets angry let her vent her frustration and anger and be remorseful, loving and tender rather than defensive. Tell her you cherish her and appreciate her willingness to work on things rather than ending them, and let her know you will do what you can to make things up to her. Tell her you will be accountable and when she is suspicious and wants to check on you, let her no matter how smothered and hindered you feel. It will lessen with time and help her get through things easier and faster. It won't be quick or easy so if you can't do this you should probably throw in the towel. Its the price you have to pay for the damage you have done.

amithatstupid,
Thanks for the advice. I have done some very deep soul searching and have given those findings to my wife. I have also made a real effort in not saying those hated words to her. I have not yet asked her if she really wants to know or try to soften it. This I will try to do. My best effort has been to rexplain to her things she does not understand in other words so that she can hopefully understand my mindset at the time.

Again thanks

Fortunate,
It might help to try to put yourself in her place. affairs dont "happen" like car accidents!

They takeintention, planning, lying and callous disregard for your wife and your marriage vows.

If you are like most of the cheaters I know about, you"compartmentalize" those feelings and justifications you used at the time.

They are not "lost" they are just safely tucked away in a drawer, so that YOU dont have to see and deal with your guilt and shame.
Trust me, guilt and shame are intended to be "felt" and admitted. This is how ALL OF US learn to behave empathetically towards those we care about. It HURTS when we dont.

The goal is to "feel the pain" it will cause our loved ones, BEFORE we betray them! Not to "avoid" the God-given gift of guilt!

That, by the way, is why those of us who DO NOT CHOOSE TO BETRAY OUR LOVED ONES, CHOOSE not to do so.

Get into ind therapy if needed. Only by facing your demons will you have any hope of not repeating your behavior.

If you do not dig out those memories, YOUR WIFE SHOULD NOT TRUST YOU, because the very same "unknown" inner conflicts" will cause you to want to escape from your "unknown" feelings of inadequacy, as they did before.

One cannot forgive what one is unaware of. You cannot forgive yourself and change into the husband she deserves. She cannot forgive you, without knowing what and how you could have done this to her.

Very good answer, Nave!! I agree!!

It's interesting that many from this post are asking for reasons for why a person cheats. Yet, in other posts, cheaters are berated when they try to tell their reasons, and told they are just making excuses. It's true, there is no excuse for cheating! It's a very selfish act, but if it happens, there must be underlying reasons within the marriage, and/or within the cheating person. Usually through counseling, this comes out, too. I was telling my husband "I don't know", until I discovered through counseling that I have a lot of emotional issues from past abuse that I never completely dealt with. When I tried to tell my husband this, he just got mad. He didn't want to hear my "excuses". So, I came to the conclusion that no matter what a cheater tells their spouse, it's not going to help. Only time and lots of prayer will heal these wounds.