Here it goes:

* An affair is an affair is an affair.

* A "connection" based on what? Let me guess: you have similar interests.

* Do NOT meet this person. Unless you end your current marraige and then do whatever you want. That way, the choices that you make affect only you.

* You say that you do not want to hurt your partner. So DON'T.

* Yeah, talk to your hysband about it. "Honesty is the best policy". It is one of the world's oldest sayings for a reason.

* You say that you do not want to hurt your husbacd by your actions. So stop the actions.

You know all of the answers - I give you credit for coming out and saying it in a way. Not all people involved in infidelity can say that in front of other people in any medium.

Now what are you going to do about it?

Sorry, I read the post without reading the title of the post. So based on your request, here it is through the victim's POV:

Imagine that you are a person that wants to be happy. You believe in fairy tales like "love", "honesty", "commitment" and "forever".

You plan out your life - the next day, the next week, the next year, the next house, the next step in a family, all of the possibilities of these and more - around one person.

Now, also measure all of the costs: the time that you put in, the emotion and tears, the luaghs and the fears. Assets that are not restocked as easily as money or belongings.

Now imagine feeling sick every day. Pains in your chest with worry, uncertainty and fear. Not being able to sleep or eat. Crying so hard that you cannot talk or work.

You rethink your beliefs. "Forever" is just a word. "Love" is a Hallmark trademark. "Honesty" is just a word in the dictionary.

Shove a knife in your chest. Twist it around a little. Now take it out and wait, wait for a long time for it to heal. And then, after it has healed as much as it can, stick the knife in again. In the exact same spot.

Throw away everything that you have. Toss it, burn it, whatever. Now try and live with that.

I know that it may have been over the place, but hust a few things on how it would feel like to be a victim of this.

You asked.

Both replies were excelent, Garrison!

I saw this post earlier and then moved on and signed off. But the more I thought about it, I decided to sign on again and put in my two cents. Arija, I challenge you to read the stories of the people on this site. I dare say you'll find very few who say they had an affair and it was the best thing they ever did. That their lives are SO much better now. Think about this. HE is married. If he is willing to cheat on his wife with you, do you really think he would never cheat on YOU down the road? Do you believe that the two of you love each other? How about this? If true love waits, perhaps you should both make the decision to divorce your spouses FIRST before this goes any further. Are you willing to do that? You are both married. You don't get to make up the rules as you go along. You don't get to try each other out and see how it goes and then return to your spouses if it wasn't what you expected. That's why they call it cheating. Because you break the rules. Don't entertain the thought that this is only about you and HIM. It's about everybody connected to your lives. Your choices will affect everybody you both know. You have a luxury that lots of people on this site DON'T have. That is the opportunity to stop this BEFORE you destroy other peoples' lives. You say you don't want to hurt your partner? THEN DON'T. If you don't love your partner anymore then do the decent thing and divorce him. And don't waste your time on a man who is unwilling to make that same committment for you. Starting a new relationship based on lies and secrets isn't very smart, is it? How healthy do you think your new found lovelife would be knowing you began on a foundation of deceit? Sorry so harsh. But that's the reality that alot of us are dealing with right now.

SoManyTears, thank you. I have been reading all the postings.

Garrison, you have woken me up from this illusional love. Thank you so much.

I'm glad you decided to come here for advice before you met this person. I just wish our cheating partners had done the same before they cheated on us.
Yes, please go tak to your husband. He may be upset, but I'm sure you can imagine how much more devastated he would be if you went to him after you met the other man.
Good luck

Yes, good responses from everyone. I've often pointed out on this site that your OM is a fantasy. You can be whoever you want to be on the computer. You've formed these images in your head. You, inappropriately, shared personal things about your marriages that revealed vulnerabilities and you jumped on the bandwagon. But, your OM is not prince charming in reality. He is just as much a toad as the rest of us. He burps, farts, poops just like the rest of us. In your mind, he couldn't possibly do all those things. There is a fallible human on the other end of your computer screen. He is putting his best face forward. There is anonymity, so you don't have a clue what he's really like. And, they are right. An affair is an affair. You've already been having one. As long as it is a secret, you are empowered to continue it or do it again with someone else. What you've done is going to hurt. But, I'm a firm believer that unless you hurt and see the hurt you caused someone else, you are not likely to change. Before my wife revealed her affair, they had ended it. But, they found reasons to try to get together again. Then they ended it again, but still wanted to get together again. Why? Because they could. I didn't know about the affair. My wife was only able to break her emotional connection after I caught her on a few secret emails and after he started ratting on her. We set up accountabilty and she eventually got used to the idea that she could never contact him again or our marriage was finished.

I encourage you to tell your husband what you've done. You're likely to go through with it or meet someone else unless you start talking to your husband about your marriage. You are communicating personal things with a person you don't even know. He could be the serial killer they are secretly looking for in the next state and you are just one of the other 10 ladies he's talking to in order to get one of you alone somewhere. Think about it. What you are doing is reckless and potentially devastating to so many people.

You've already betrayed your husband by sharing with another, emotions that were intended for him alone! There is already a confession in order!

You are asking for help that is good. Okay now I know you are excited by this man who you have been thinking of him holding you touching you intimately. Hold On this is a fantasy clear your mind you are to old for fantasys like this. Get a grip girl and look at reality.

i agree with everyone!!!!! don`t do it!!! talk to your hubby 1st!! it does affect everyone trust me i know!! i was devistated. it doesn`t matter what kind of an affair it is , it`s still an affair which will hurt. do you have children? thionk of them. if you are not in love get out!!! that will hurt to but not like an affair. what garrison wrote both times was right on the money!!! that`s exactly what it feels like there is no exaggeration!!! i know i`ve felt those feelings!!! i am married 16 yrs on nov. 8th to my best friend & have a 5, 8 & 11 year old & i was devistated!!! we are trying to get past it but there`s no guarentee & it`s alot of work!!! please, please don`t do it !!!!!!!

Here, here Garrison. You have spoken perfectly for so many of us!

Well I am reading this and thinking that you very well could be my H's other woman (online) who knows? You are both married... I do know that - You both live in two different states - I know that. You have never met - thats what I was told, dont know for sure because I was lied to before- but lets just go with THAT> What is to be gained by this? Do you want to stay married? If yes then why would you go? Do you just want to go F*** his brains out for awile? Tell your husband that what you need FROM HIM... You know if you meet thats what will happen...if not, why meet in person then- you have been just typing to each other this whole time. You "dont want your husband to be a vitim of your act?" THEN DONT DO THAT THEN- I dont understand the question. It almost seems like you want someone to say its ok, that maybe its not really going to hurt him...(all that much)well...believe me it will. Either stop whaT you are doing TODAY... Or get a divorce- and be with this MR. Wondeful that you have ONLY talked to online...the one that life isnt reality with -there are no bills to pay... no stress involved...none of the mundane realities of day in and day out stuff. But thats marraige right? Good and bad... TOGETHER.

Just a question - how would YOU feel if this were flipped around and your H had this "connection" with some woman online that he is so INTRIGUED by her that he just HAS TO go see her before he goes crazy. Would you feel hurt, betrayed, sad, mad... how would you really feel? Would you want him to go meet her? Would you want them to be hugging and kissing and making love ALL night long while you are sitting at home and have NO clue?
Anyway...I guess you probably get it. If you DO GO and meet this person- I HOPE ITS NOT MY H!!

As a "victim" of your type of A.. I beg you.. do NOT meet this person, do NOT talk to this person, have NO CONTACT with this person. Because once you do, you can NOT go back. And what you will be doing is ripping us apart again. If you LOVE us as you say you do; then LOVE US, RESPECT US, NONOR and CHERISH US as you have so committed to. What you will have with the OM is a momment, what you COULD have with us is FOREVER. You choose.

You know if you meet odds are this relationship will move from an emotional affair to a physical one. Choose carefully if you want that to happen. If you don't want to hurt your husband I would suggest not telling him about this other man but instead talk about the things that you need in your relationship to make it be all tht you want. And stop contacting this other man. Now. Clean cut. If you don't want to hurt your husband that is the only thing to do.

Believe me. I have been where you are.