i was watching a tv show a few weeks ago and i actually did a thread here about this. a marriage therapist said that we should give our cheating spouse 10 minutes a day to grieve the loss of their affair. in my situation my husband swears he had no emotional connection with his mistress that their relationship was purely physical (she felt differently) anyway i could not accept my husband grieving the loss of his affair while i feel everyday like i am living in HELL.i agree with you that if you give him too much space to miss what he had with her he may decide that he really wants to be with her but truth of the matter is, if he felt bad about what he has done to you, to your marriage than he would not be grieving another woman he would be doing everything he could to fix the two of you. i wish you the best.

Thank You for that. That helps. He is a police officer so he drives around all day and I know that's when he is thinking of her because that's when he talked to her before. So I think that should be more than enough time to think about her and hopefully things will be ok by the time he gets home. He just ended things with her yesterday and last night he was in a pretty good mood and talking about going hunting. Then today everytime I have talked to him he is distant. He did tell me that she called him today but he did not answer. I don't know how to deal with her (I don't know her) because as long as she keeps calling he is going to keep thinking of her.

Let me start by saying I hope everything works out for you.

As for me, I was in the exact same situation as you are (it would almost seem that I was writing it as my own), but anyways I can't really give you advice just let you know that I hope all works out with you.

Thank you, it really helps to have support.

He needs to be grieving over what he did to YOU. I ask my husband if he ever thinks about the OW, and he says when he thinks about what he did, he doesn't think about her, he just thinks about how he devastated me. I don't know, of course, whether that's true or not, but he never seemed to grieve for her. He was too overwhelmed by my pain and suffering to think about much else. I also wouldn't put up with any contact whatsoever ever again, period. Best to you.

Be yourself. That's who you are and have been. Yes I would give him the time to "get over" her, but I wouldn't walk on egg shells. You didn't do anything wrong. I do think that you both need to get professional help to sort through what made him feel like he needed another womans attention and or "love". If it's worth it to you I would ask him what was it that broke down in the marriage or in him that made him go there. Be strong and remember you didn't do anything wrong. SO don't blame yourself and if you love him and want it to work don't beat him over the head with it either. I wish you well in your healing and marriage.

think about this - you're worried about giving him room to grieve over his affair.
think about this - you're worried about his feelings so he can move on.

think about this - what about your feelings.
think about this - when is he doing to ensure you properly grieve the damage to your relationship he caused.

theories to the contrary, we control our emotions. they are simply shortcuts for thoughts.
we don't just "develop" love for someone. we let it happen.
i had a number of emotional affairs during my relationship with my wife.
they were choices i made (and my own muddled thinking process is not an excuse).

he doesn't need grieving time. he needs to be refocusing on you, on your children, on the shared bonds of your marriage.
if he can't get over the affair, then he's not committed to you.

Hi,
I wonder if you are inshock? It took me a couple of months, partly due to the fact that I took a trip and "got away", for the reality of my husbands affair to hit me!

Do you feel any grief? If you dont that is great but if you do, let your husband see it!

He needs to see that you hurt..if youdo. dont pretend, but show him how much pain you feel, if you do, and ask him to confort you. That will give him YOU to focus on.

UPDATE:
I appreciate all the advice everyone is giving! I had a long talk with him last night and he told me he wants me to be myself and act normal around him and to show him how much I love him. So that's what I am doing and last night I think we were both happier than we have been in quite awhile.

I also had an "emotional" affair about 5 years ago and I have realized that I have never forgiven myself for that and I have been pushing him away because I felt like I didn't deserve him. I have realized now that I do and we are going to counseling to help me forgive myself and to help him get over the anger he built up towards me for pushing him away.

Thank you all! This group has helped me more than anything.