If me being on this site offends some of you, then all I can say is that I didn't hurt you. I'm not the one who hurt you. I'm just 1 person who made mistakes and have no one to blame but myself. I'm not that person that I used to be who didn't care about others and how bad that I hurt them. And I did hurt a lot of people with my own selfish mistakes. But I hurt myself also. I lowered myself to that point with married men and cheating. I was raised better than that. But to help you understand why I did these things, I will say this. I was raised by a mean father who never showed any affection to his children at all. This was very hurtful to me and my other family members. So I grew up needing a man's attention. And unfortunately I found it when I was only 8 yrs. old. My own brother in law took advantage of me and my need for attention and affection. He started fondling me and later tried to penetrate me when I was 11. Of course this only made me have more emotional pain. I told no one about this and was scared of men because of the physical pain of this act. But I started to go through puberty and those hormones started making me crave a man's attention again at 14. I got drunk at my sisters house one night and told her what her husband had done to me. She told me that she was sorry but nothing else ever came of it. She did tell my parents and all they ever said was that they knew what happened. I grew up with 3 brothers who were close to me in age. So I always felt closer to males than females because my sister was 10 yrs. older than me and married that monster when I was 7. I started running around with a couple of girls who were sexually active when I was 14. I was introduced to a male friend of theirs who was 18. I tried to fight him off but finally gave in when I was drunk. I became physically sick to my stomach after our first sex act. I knew that sex was not supposed to be done before marriage but the alcohol and hormones overrode my conscience. I had sex with this man and a few others for 3 yrs. before I ever had my first orgasm. I was never taught anything about sex other than I wasn't supposed to do it. I really didn't know that I was supposed to enjoy it. I married the man that I had my first orgasm with. I did love him and wanted to be a good wife. But I was young and dumb about a lot of things. But I still had that feeling inside that something was missing. So everytime that we had a problem or I felt lonely, I turned to some other man that paid attention to me. But this was just the way that I handled my lonely feelings. It was wrong and I suffered with these feelings for many, many years before I finally found out from a therapist why I felt that way. So I take responsibility for my actions and for hurting other people with my adulterous ways. But I also got hurt by an adulterer myself. I know that I deserved it and don't expect sympathy from anyone for my pain in that area. The only reason that I'm here is to help anyone understand theirselves or their spouse in such a RAW and PAINFUL area of life. It's not my intention to cause any of you any type of pain. I don't want to add insult to injury. But I will be here on this site and others to help myself and others if I can possibly do that. This is what God has led me to do. So if you want to attack me and say ugly things to me, go ahead. I won't take it to heart. Because I know that I didn't hurt you personally. Someone that you love did and you're in such great emotional pain. So if you want to talk to me about anything at all, you can feel free to do so. I'll be honest and upfront with all of you. So do it here or on a personal message. I can handle it with God's help. We're all here for support. I'm just not asking for your sympathy for my mistakes. Thank you for listening to this post.
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