Maybe once you're a spouse and not just a fiance you may change your mind. Marriage is a lot different than dating. Having children, spending years together, making plans for the future years together, finances, etc. all enter into why many of us choose to stay with our partners.

After being married for several years you may find yourself in the same position as a lot of us here. I'd be interested to hear what you have to say on the subject then.

I suspect that I would be saying something like this, "Well, now my kids will come from a broken home" because I would never stay with someone that doesn't love me enough to be faithful. Also, I hardly call buying a home and living together for two years "dating". Please don't minimize the pain I went through to justify your own. It's not terribly supportive.

I'm not trying to minimize the pain you went through. You're right, we're here to support each other so maybe you shouldn't be so hard on those of us who chose to stay in our marriage. We may just think our marriage is worth it.

I agree with Wyzer.

Theres a big difference between a spouse of 17 years and a fiance. No comparison between them. When you have 22 years of history, children, mortages you just don't walk away that easily.

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. People who cheat have a crack in their character. Can the crack be fixed or repaired? Yes! I think it can with a lot of work on both parties.

In my house you have one chance to be the kink of spouse we all deserve. If you can't be that kind of spouse and you cross the line, your gone.

If the cheating occured with a fiance - He would be gone. Period.

So you see it isn't that cut and dry as you may think it is! Prayers to you!

I agree that the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a bit strong but it does underscore the fact that the cheater is capable of infidelity. I'm sure that some people are able to change and re-commit to a marriage but I believe that most will approach life with a lowered moral standard. They've crossed that line and survived so they may be tempted to try again, albeit with more attention to concealing their actions. You need to watch for a change in the way the person conducts themself. For instance, they will have to make a point to never be in a position to cheat. This means that they cannot have friends of the opposite sex and cannot frequent places with single people of the opposite sex ever again. For some, it may entail a change of career. Regardless, there has to be a painful reorientation before I'd ever believe that a person had turned over a new leaf.

I apologize if I'm coming across mean or rude. It's not my intention. My father cheated on my mother all throughout my childhood and it wasn't until she finally left him did she find true happiness. I always wondered why she didn't do it sooner. I guess I'm wondering the same for you folks out there. It seems to me that a marriage based on lies and cheating isn't a marriage worth saving. Kids/house and all.

I am sorry that you don't get it. Your mother's experience is not uniform, and you are minimizing a bit yourself.
When you have partnered for life and spent a decade or more together....there are complex issues.
Not everyone is a desperate doormat, nor having a creative lapse, there are good reasons why people choose to work through their infidelities.
That is not my situation, however.

It is easy to say what you are saying, but the man who cheated on you was not your HUSBAND. Maybe you do not understand the deep love and devotion a loyal WIFE has for her husband. Most of us are in termoil and trying to make a decision as to stay or go but the "cut and dry" or "black and white" version you portray here is simply unrealistic. Each situation is different. You are ignorant to think that infidelity is so clear cut. Good people AND bad people make poor choices. Are you saying that if you were married to this "wonderful man" you are with now for 20 years or more, and he strayed... you would simply just walk away, without a second thought. You are full of crap if you really believe that!

No offence gabimary, but which one of us is truly ignorant? The one that demands to be treated with the same respect and dignity that she treats him with, or the "loyal wife" that tolerates being treated poorly? 20 years doesn't make it smart to stay with someone that cheats. 20 years or two days together, he still betrayed you.

I'm assuming that you are responding to one of my posts. Thank God, this place exists. A person can be so upset, and come here to vent off steam.

A night's sleep helps put things into perspective...a little. I just take such offense to the adultery that ruined my life - whether I stayed or left - and to black and white statements such as yours.

I admit it - I am completely flawed. I made mistakes, I am no moral pillar. Why did I stay? Because of logistics. And to prove that I could win. Those are stupid reasons to stay, I know. But I did it, and I don't regret staying. Experts agree, as do I, if there is no immediate danger, why leave just out of principle? Why not stay and have your house, life, things, rather than starting over from scratch? It's not a moral reason, but I did it. I did not want to be on welfare, in poverty, with a broken home...when I had a spouse who was completely remorseful.

This makes no sense to you, I know. It makes less and less sense to me. But I second what others have written: pray God you never offend someone greatly and need their forgiveness. You seem to exhibit very little forgiveness for others.

No two situations are alike.

guineachick- Who are YOU to JUDGE ME or any of us for that fact? Just because it's easier for you to tuck tail and run instead of staying and working through the issues, doesn't mean the rest of us agree w/you. I do stand up for myself every single day, while people like you constantly judge me for trying to work on my marriage, because I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON MY MARRIAGE.

I didn't get into this marriage thinking of at as a "disposable situation" and do take my vows very seriously "for better or worse". Remember saying those words?

It takes a strong person to hang in there and fight the emotions and the struggles of being cheated on.

So, if you want to talk respect, then give those of us who don't want to tuck tail and run the respect that we deserve and trying saying "Hey your a better person than I am, because I would have never stuck around." Don't belittle or judge us because we choose to stay and fight.

This is just amazing to me that you would say such a thing. You have obviously do not understand what marriage is about, so there is nothing more to say.

guine, what was his reason for cheating? were you not taking care of the little things he needed? were you totally controlling? how long had you dated before getting engaged?

maybe you played a part in his straying and just won't admit it. before condemning all of us let us know the details.

like you quine, my father cheated on my mother all through their marriage. she did nothing until her last child was out of the house then she left. i always wished she had been strong enough to give him an ultimatum to fix their problems together or it was over. i and others here had the strength to give it another chance. i know my wife does not get another shot should she cheat again. so there is strength in staying if the marriage can in fact improve from the experience, or in your case, an engagement.

i wonder if your ex-fiance ever complained about your faults.

More than two decades ago, in a live-in and unmarried relationship, I betrayed my partner. I can add that I was unhappy, he would not work on our issues, blah blab....BUT I did this thing, I was unfaithful. He forgave me when i told him, we broke up anyway, for other reasons, and are friends to this day.

I will NEVER cheat again, have NEVER cheated since. I have always been ashamed that i did it, and would never repeat it with any future partner.
My husband of 18 years has left me for a prostitute that he is in love with. I will not be involved with another man until I am divorced, no matter what husband does. No one is stopping me. But I behaved dishonorably a long time ago, I hated what happened afterwards, the way I felt about myself, and I will never be other than honest in my relations. It is my choice and my pride to do so. That is how I want to live, no matter what sleazy thing husband does next.

And you say once a cheater, always a cheater..... guineachick, you are misinformed in my view. people can and do change.

Fr'instance: My husband went from being my favorite person, and a decent loving husband to being a lying thieving whorejumper in record time. Don't tell ME people don't change.... they certainly do, in both directions. There are two instances, right there to illustrate my point.