You're not wrong, but eventually, as unbelievable as it seems, you will forgive her. It doesn't mean you will ever have a friendship with her again, but if you are ever able to forgive your husband, you will be able to forgive her, too. Her role was no more or less than his in the mess, and if it hadn't been her, he might have just chosen some other slut.

It's possible your husband asked you that to get a sense of what it will take for you to forgive him, or just to deflect some of your anger off himself for a while. Be careful of that tactic! Don't let him make himself out to be less responsible for this affair than your ex-friend.

you know to tell you the truth it would have been a lot easier if it had happened with someone I did not know at least then I would still have a friend left and I would not have had two people betray me I feel it makes the hole thing worse knowing that two people I loved and trusted betrayed me it makes it that much harder to get over that and when I get these things in my head at least then the other person would not have had a face

Yes, I definitely understand that. It is a double betrayal for you. There are no winners here, and you have lost the most. My heart hurts for you. Be good to yourself.

You know, they were meant to be commited to you, one in friendship, one in marriage, they both broke those privledges. All one of them had to do was say NO, but 'THEY' didn't.
They are both 100% to blame.
Forgiving.................takes time and healing, take your time, be gentle on yourself and heal.

The biggest reason that you will need to forgive both of them is so that you can heal. So, in a way, your forgiveness is a selfish act, it is to help you, they just get the side benefit.

I'm with outskiing. Forgiving them would take a load off you. YOu shouldn't be pushed to do that though.
It may be he is deflecting, or it could just be something stupid that came out of his mouth. NOT HIS PLACE to ask that of you.

Neither choice is wrong, so long as you make the choice (without the influence of others) and it's the best choice for you and your future. My opinion: trust is one of, if not THE, most important part of any relationship, and once the trust is challenged or lost, the relationship is never the same. I'd keep any fond memories, but find new friends.

I don't know about the forgiving part, but I can't believe he had the nerve to ask you to forgive the other woman!

It's easier to hate (strong word but you can interject "not forgive") the other person b/c you love your husband and you want to forgive him. Trust me you've got to work on forgiveness altogether b/c it's YOU that it hurts to hold onto it. It will take a lot of time and effort to get better but it does get better if you really work on it. Work on YOU. It really sucks! I've been thru it myself and it never ends really.

From Jay...remember that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time act. It takes time. Sometimes it takes a LONG time. Every time it comes bubbling back up, instead of pushing it down, deal with it. Forgive. You'll likely never forget. Your husband is absolutely ridiculous for asking you to forgive her when they've both ripped your guts out. But, forgiving can start and does need to start. You can start saying it, even if you don't feel it. I'm angry right now. I have to forgive all over again. Remember that your husband is just as much to blame as her...even more so. They both betrayed you. Have you confronted her about how she's made you feel? Has she been able to ask for forgiveness? What she did to you was a horrible thing. Though I knew Brad quite well, I didn't really care that much about him. So, it didn't hurt me nearly as much as this has probably hurt you. What they did was horrible. Absolutely detestable. You need time to forgive. You need to give yourself permission to be angry and grieve over this. Then, you can deal with forgiveness. It takes time, and it has to happen over and over again.

she has never asked for me to forgive her the day after I found out about this she called me and all I could do was scream at her, she kept telling me it takes two it takes two, I am not as dumb as they think I am I know it takes two but I told her you two are the two people I was suppose to be able to trust the most and you f'd it up she has never said sorry for what she has done and has not tried to contact me since other than the text messages she forwared to me ones he wrote to her I don't know if she sent them to hurt me worse or if she was trying to prove that it took two. How stupid does she think I am this is why I feel I can never forgive her my husband tells me he is sorry every day for what he did to me but she has not tried at all in fact when I talked to her last she was very mean to me, she wanted me to leave him so she could have him. I will forgive my husband in time but her I really don't know if I have it in me.

Do not put any energy into forgiving her. One day you will think of her, for the first time in a while and you will feel sorry for her because she is her own worst enemy. You will let it go, but it does not need your attention right now.

Right now attend to you, your children and your marriage. The rest will take care of itself.

I agree with Nave. And why is he asking you that - is he talking to her? Is he taking her side in any way? Or is it that he wants you to stop being angry with her? To stop talkin about it? I'm not trying to put ideas into your head, maybe I am, I'm just wondering how it came up that he would ask what it takes for you to forgive that slag and why does he care.

It is hard to forgive. But think of it this way, forgive them for you. Not for him but for you. If you do not forgive you allow yourself to be a victim for ever. You need to recover from this and you won't as long as you do not forgive and move on. There is no reason for him to have any further contact with the woman and you should not allow that. Hopefully he is not. Just don't let this event change who you are. Accept it as an experience.

Also do not be suprised if he is still talking to her. They are both guilty and they can not discuss this betrayal with anyone but themselves. So they may feel the need to continue to talk about it with each other. This is still not right. He should discuss things with you, possibly a relative he trust, or a counselor.