I have a hard time not looking at his phone or schecking to make sure he is where he says he will be....but sometimes i don't wanna check in fear I will find something new....I don't but always worry i will

I know it probably isn't healthy, but I may continue to check the cell phone, bank account, etc. Until I stop doing that, I don't know how I'll ever get past it.

I feel like when i check up on him I take two steps back , b/c even though something isn't there I twist what i see ( mind is playing tricks on me )

I know MH is probably still checking up on me, but he won't find anything. However, I do worry about his mind playing tricks on him because he still accuses me of doing something in the future that I haven't even considered doing. Our counselor told him if he kept doing that to me, it would eventually drive me away. I think that's one reason I kept backsliding by e-mailing my OM. Shoot, if MH was going to accuse me, I might as well not make him a liar, right? Well, that was stupid of me to think that way. I'm being good, now!! No more backsliding for me, and MH can check up on me all he wants to! I have nothing to hide, now!

Yes even if you dont realize it. You may find that you dissect every answer he gives of why he comes home late or why his cellphone went to voicemail when he is out.

It goes back to the trust issue. I am 9 months into finding out about the affair and occasionally check on him. I don't do it as much as I used to and I think that goes back to trusting him again. I actually got tired of doing it. I did not want it to consume my life and at one point it was. I do think it is part of the normal healing process. If it makes you feel better and you don't go backwards then do what works for you.

I can only speak for myself when I say I don't think it is healthy. Do I still do it? yes Every now and then. But when I do...I feel horrible. As I am pulling up the website to check phone records or dialing the passcode to check his voicemail, I can feel myself getting sick. I start shaking, my heart starts pounding and I feel sick to my stomach. Then when I don't find anything, it takes me a long time to calmed back down. When I feel the urge to check on something, I take a few deep breaths and talk to myself...has he given me a reason to look, to check? Why am I doing this? I tell myself that it is because I want to verify that he is telling me the truth but I really know that I am trying to catch him in a lie. You can't catch someone in a lie that is not lying. I am doing a lot better. Just take some deep breaths, take a walk, get some fresh air, think about the real reason you want to check. If your intuition tells you to, if something just doesn't feel right, then check. But if you don't have that feeling, try to resist. We have to wean ourselves. It's hard but with a little self control, breathing and time I think it will get better.

lovemycop..thats exactly how I start to feel, I get the shakes and get mad before even finding something...and it may be innocent but I assume the worst , then afterwards I am like why did I just put myself through that. My H leaves his phone out so I can check it if I want but most of the time I don't b/c I am scraed of what I will see.

The mind is a funny thing. It plays tricks on us. You just have to over power those thoughts and tell yourself, you don't need to waste your time looking because nothing is there. I know it's hard, believe me, I know! But the more you tell yourself that instead of being scared of what's there, it gets easier.

I still check every now and then. I think I always will. But, I haven't found anything in a very long time. So, when you don't find something, it helps the trust issues. If you continue to find things, then what's the point of continuing to work on it?

I check my wife's cell records on a random basis, or whenever there is something unusual in her routine. Any unknown numbers I call them prom a public payphone & check.

No drama, takes only 10 minutes to do now and again.

Overall it gives me a great relief as its been a year now without anything going on.

Well worth it if you can keep it simple and clinical.

Oh you bet...It is still fresh & new him telling me. so at this point I don't care if it's healthy or even wise. I have thought about putting a tight leash on him but decided to go with a noose. That way it will be faster to hang him if he screws up. Good Luck

I've been thinking about this a little more, and I realize I did this with my husband's drinking. He was a "closet drinker" for many years. I would look for evidence of his drinking - bottles, bottle caps not thrown away in the trash, and/or under the seat of his car etc. More recently, I would actually COUNT how many drinks he had. It's called codependency, and according to my counselor, NO, it's not healthy. However, it's understandable to do things like this when you've been hurt by your spouse.