Tell her. I found out that people i know knew and if someone had told me than I think my marriage would have been saveable but by the time i found out it was to late. He thought he had found his soul mate.

So the responsibility is mine, regardless of the consequences it seems. It's ironic you know, I have been protecting the wrong person. Someone who wronged me and his wife.

The reason I hesitated? When I told my wife that I was going to his with the proof (my first mistake), she pleaded with me with such wild desperation, and at first I was unmoved, I told her to give me a reason why I shouldn't and she said: "He will kill himself." And there was something in her eyes that made me believe her. Of course those were the words of someone who has lied everyday to me. But that possible consequence fills me with dread, however unlikely it may be.

I guess I'm going to have to suck it up once again, and do what must be done and hope that the worst that can happen does not.

Though admittedly childish, is there any way you could do it annonymously? Like send a letter or package with pertinent information from a nearby city. I live in an area with 5 major cities all within 1 hour driving distance, the closest being 15 minutes away. Then just maybe it would absolve you of harboring this secret without your wife knowing you did the deed - although this way opens the door to more secrets. Honestly, it really could come from a "concerned observer" as no matter how hard they try, affair partners are rarely the secret they think they are. My H had a whole other life with her friends so there are at least 5 people that I know of who KNEW of me and that he was not single, yet they all trolled the clubs, hung out at her house, and did God only knows what else together. I can only wish in retrospect that someone would have made me aware of what was going on right in front of my face while I was totally oblivious...

I too would hesitate, but only in motive, not in deed. If the motive is to inflict pain like we are going thru, don't do it, you will only regret it later. If the motive is sincere, I can't begin to tell you any good way to do it...is there any way anyone could have told us that would have been ok? I would have been devastated that "people" knew but I did not. In my case, "people" did know and encouraged the whole disgusting mess, and that betrayal is something I am trying to deal with as well.
Best wishes in your endeavor to do the right thing...

"In my case, "people" did know and encouraged the whole disgusting mess, and that betrayal is something I am trying to deal with as well."

Yes, yes, YES!! And with me if was supposed fricken FAMILY (his). Yes I have cut them off and if his mother goes on ONE MORE CRYING JAG over my supposed mistreatment, which results in HIM being "upset" with me, I will give her so-called "devout Christian ass" an honorary f*cking OSCAR statue!

Yes! Absolutely! Yes! I do not know your whole story, but the hardest part for me was the lies my husband told me to minimize his affair. It took forever (over a year) to get most of the truth. somehow, even though I knew the truth, I couldnt have any peace until I heard it. I even tried to contact one of his friends to ask but he did not respond to my call. I would have been grateful to be told, especially with proof! His wife may not appear grateful and may not even feel grateful at first because of the shock and pain (as you know), but she will not have to liuve in lie limbo. The main reason I will not be able to stay with my husband is his long term lying and my inability to prove it.

Agreed. The lies were the hardest part to deal with at the time. I was home watching the kids while she was "going to a movie with Brandie" or "getting a haircut," or "getting nails done." When she came home with wet hair after their shower together, she told me that the hairdresser had washed her hair, but then she got involved in someone else's permanent or hair coloring and she got tired of waiting and left with wet hair. I had a bad day that day and I wanted to talk about it. She basically told me how stupid I was for feeling the way I did and accused me of being upset that I had to pick up the kids from a birthday party.


And, the kicker for me was when she was depressed after the affair. I didn't know about it, yet. She got on the phone with one of our friends and told her how she just couldn't do it all anymore. I had to pitch in more. She was overwhelmed. Our friend got me on the phone and lectured me about what a bad husband I was being because I could be doing more around the house. I felt horrible that I had somehow failed her.

It just about tore me up when I found out that two or three of her friends knew about the affair before I did...and one lady that I work with knew. One of her friends even fed my wife's fear that I was having an affair. I wasn't. Never did. She was on discussion boards talking about my supposed affair. All the while, she was the one who was having one.

Sorry to talk about all of this. I've been depressed. The old wounds are open and I just have to get it out.

My wife is trying very hard. She is being very patient with my questions. She is doing a good job showing me love and patience during this time. I just with all the cheaters out there could experience our pain just once.

Like I said before...I had "thought" the bar my husband was working at was a "safe" place since everyone knew me and my kids, and I "thought" they were people who respected marriage and family. It was so devastating in addition to what happened to have to hear that a few of them knew and actually ENCOURAGED the whole thing, one of the "women" even telling MY SIL that this slut should be with my husband because they "looked so happy together"...my SIL had NO CLUE what the hell she was talking about and this slut overheard it, and then just ran with it. Even the sluts mother encouraged her and continues to do so. I kept feeling like what a joke they made out of my life, my marriage and my family, I had NO idea this stuff was going on. How can someone KNOW about you yet still do it, and who are these people that would encourage ANYONE to chase someone who is married?
I too am struggling this week, and this betrayal was just an additional pain to deal with. This was a place I took my kids into for dinner, these people pretended to be nice to me, nice to my kids, and this slut's son even goes to school with one of my daughter's it's just devastating that someone could be so interested in your spouse that when they hear you're having problems they take that as permission to just jump and and take what isn't theirs. I wish I would have known sooner. It didn't go on long, but the time it did just haunts me...I too heard all the dumb ass excuses for being late, and unfortunately he never worked a set "leave" time so it made it easy to lie to me.
Betrayed...as for the MIL, mine blames me for this crap, she didn't know ahead of time, but has been horrible to me for several years now, and this is just one more "aha" for her to convince her what a bitch I MUST be. If my husband were to walk out on me and our kids today, she'd give him a high five and pat on the back, all the while telling anyone who will listen how "mean" I am to her because I just won't deal with her anymore.

I told the wife ...she appreciated it and has even kept in touch with me just for support. She thanked me for having the guts to let her know. I did do it with compassion, a hug and came very close to tears over it because I knew what she would have to go through, however she NEEDED to know before she wound up with the same STD my wife did from her lover.

Wow! Good for you Robbie! I agree that if people start intervening it will help to renew the commitment of the unfaithful in temperance and virtue.

Good for you. I'm very glad you went through with it and told her. I'm a firm believer that as long as this is a secret, it gives them power to continue to do it. Who knows how many other partners this guy has had? She DEFINITELY needed to know.

So true about keeping it a secret Jay, I know when the wife of my wifes OG found out they were going to try to keep it a secret. And not even a week later he was back out at the bars making passes on other co-workers.

I am torn. While I definitely agree with JayLGee's last post and I wish that i had known earlier than I found out, from my husband, I still am not sure about how far your rights to tell her extend. If she is a friend or even acquantience then I think go ahead.
If she is someone who doesn't know you though i'm not sure. That happened to me. The husband of the woman my husband had cheated with 6 months prior called me on my cell phone one day, out of the blue. He sounded distraught and said that he thought they were having an affair. Fortunately my husband had already told me about their, previous and now over, affair or I probably would have crashed my car from the shock. I was so surprised at the call that I stammered around and when he asked if he could call me back and leave me his cell # I agreed, just to get off the phone. I struggled with the decision to call him back for a day. I kept thinking that it was my duty but also part of me wanted the revenge as well. To make someone else suffer the way I had. I never did call him back and the next day he went to his wife's house tied her up, beat her and was planning to kill her and himself. The only thing that stopped him was when he called his daughter to tell her goodbye and she persuaded him not to do it. So in the end I was glad that I hadn't called him back and become any more embroiled in their lives than I already was.

That sounds like a pretty extreme situation, there. I'm not sure many people would find themselves in that story. I guess sometimes it puts a person in danger if you do tell on the cheater, but most of the time I would think the person who is clueless would be in danger from not knowing. As far as STDs goes, what you don't know CAN hurt you.

absolutely. You just have to make a decision about what to do based on your individual circumstances and what you can live with. Maybe JPaul should consider making a contact and offering the wife a chance to contact him if she wanted more info. It is a bad situation to have to be in!