How much are you paying for this,, no this does not sound like any therapy that I have ever had! My therapist always sends home homework,, they make me work to get better and yes, they do start off each session with how are things type questions,, but they do dig into the problem! You may want to find another therapist!

Try a different counselor. Even better try a couple and tell them both your interviewing and will pick the one that fits best. Don't be passive- don't be afraid to tell the therapist what you expect from them.

Don't feel like you're starting from scratch; a good counselor will get caught up quickly.

Get a new counselor. My husband and I were seeing a counselor after I first found out about his affair, and she SUCKED. We just talked, and never changed anything. If I had realized we weren't making progress we would have switched to another one sooner.

Once we switched, things began to get better...slowly. Don't wait. Find a new one. You should feel better after you leave a session, like you have things to work on, things to fix, and a direction to go...not worse.

What kind of interaction and communication are you hoping to have while in your counseling sessions? Have you tried to have this type of interaction with your husband outside of a counseling session? Is there something holding you back from being completely open and honest with him? ... letting him know EXACTLY how you are feeling and how this is affecting you? Or are you hoping that he will take the initiative?

I have found that you can't expect anything to happen unless you take some initiative. I agree with other posters here that you should probably try and find a different counselor. Good luck.

nic1014...You sound very uncomfortable with your counselor...Rightly so. CHANGE counselors. I'm going through wondering if ours is helping us. We are on #2. The first one we had, I really liked, but then I was getting mad at her comments about affairs, like "Lots of people have affairs, that doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you" "People get over affairs" "In Europe affairs are quite common" WHAT !! you think I want to hear that right now. So I did some checking on her through the State, yes I should have done it before going to her, but I was busy finding the pieces to my broken heart...Well ends up she is on a 2 year probation for ending a session with a client with out notice. THEN has a sexual affair with him, divorces her husband and marries him, Yupe this is the kind of woman I want helping me,explain why I should forgive my husband for having an affair, her morals and values are placed right there with OW1,OW2,OW3 and my husband. Move on if you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. GOOD LUCK !!

ok,
Like many of you I also am going to a counselor. In fact tried a couple, neither are perfect. You must pick your battles when it comes to that. If you do not feel right change to another one. I feel a counselor should referee the session while the spouses talk about things that bother them. To give new insight or another persepective on what is being said.
Good luck

After we switched to our second counselor we found out that the first counselor specialized in Alcohol and Substance Abuse! When I interviewed her she told me she specialized in Getting over Infidelity. Amazing what people will do for money. We wasted three months doing counseling with her and she SUCKED.

Now we are seeing the counselor I originally used for my son (a year or so ago), and he is fabulous. My husband relates better with him, and he listens really well. Everytime we talk to him I think, man he hit the nail right on the head.

One thing he tells me that I would like to pass along is, "I work for you. I am hired help. If its not working, tell me. If you don't think I am getting the job done, fire me." Its so true. Its your money, and your life. If you aren't happy with your therapist, get a new one.

Nic,
In the U.S, there is not really much in the education process that specifically teaches how to DO MARRIAGE, ESPECIALLY, INFIDELITY COUNSELING. There are a lot of classes on family dynamics, but few, maybe one on couple dynamics.

There is a lot of good literature out there, look under relationships at the bookstore or library.

If a therapist is familiar with the literature they can educate themselves, otherwise they may not know how to do this unless they have actually done a lot of couple counseling. Learning on the job.

As a result, you may, like the other poster's said, need to try a few therapists. a personal referrence from someone who has seen the therapist is usually best. Even if their expertise is not couples, a good therapist is a good therapistr=, so ask around.

There is a tendency in counseling today, not to dig, but to work on the behavior in a rather superficial way. it is the trend sort of. The exception to this are psyanalytic psychotherapists.

They are found usually through a university that focuses on psychanalysis.

Psychoanalysis is the archeology type of therapy. They look for what is under the behavior. they are out of fashion because insurance compoanies do not want to spend long periods of time paying for therapy, they want quick fixes.

As a result, one usually must pay for the treatment, insurance often does not cover, although they may cover some, so check.

It is also longer term therapy. It is WONDERFUL by the way, because getting to the root is so much better than covering up the problems with flowers and romantic dinners. THOSE are nice, just not enough, in my opinion.

So, if you live in a small town or there are no psychoanalytical or psychodynamic graduate programs around..or the cost of paying yourself is too much, then you are likely to not get, what I think I hear you asking for.

Students at psychoanalytic graduate programs do charge lower fees, if you find a school and are quite good.

As I said, there are still better than you described,even in a traditional clinic, but you may have to keep looking until you find them.

Hope it works for you.

I love the counsellor we have because she's inspiring, motivating and helps us dig deep to find out what's really going on. I think it also helped me because she forced me to be brutally honest about everything I was feeling. As women we tend to hold back sometimes because we may hurt the people we love. Secrets Hurt way more!

Just find someone you're comfy with and who inspires you to want to work on things. We got lucky the first go.

I would LOVE to hear from a woman who says her husband screwing someone else made their relationship stronger.

Sounds like you have the wrong counselor. ( I have the same problem).