My husband and I went to counseling. She also told us we were a strong couple. She told my husband that he needed to do soul searching to find out how he "gave himself permission" to have the affair. One session she asked me what I would want my husband to do more of. But then, she asked him what he would want me to do more of. She told him not to say I was perfect because no one was. His answer made me do some thinking about the things I could do better. He commented after every session that he did not feel like she was "coming down" on him. Hope this helps.

My husband has adamantly refused counseling as well and one of the things he said was "I don't need someone else to tell me what an asshole I am" so perhaps there is that fear for your husband. I told him as an alternative he must read three books for me about infidelity and relationships and he is obliging me there, but so slowly it's nearly driving me insane. I don't believe individual counseling is a necessity, but I think it really, really helps and I'm sure if I could get him to agree to it we would be further along in our reconciliation by now. However, I'm trying to be patient and let him work through some things his own way for a while.

my partner goes to individual councelling. he always thought it was a waste of time, until he started going. now he can really see how it is helping him. a lot of our problems were because he couldnt communicate, he never knew how to. he still is struggling with it, but is getting there slowly. he knows that it is making a difference and helping him deal with his past. in a while we will go to couples councelling, but first he needs to sort him out.

teepee, how long has it taken to see changes in his communication? I too, have a non-communicator.

well, he has been to about 5 csessions, then she was away so he is due to start back. but the other night we were talking, well i was, lol. and he kept telling me i wasnt listening to him, i was telling him what i thought he was thinking. so i said to him, what is it i am not listening to. you dont say anything. i read you by your actions, which tell me what i am saying to you, i have to read between the lines. i have to assume what you are thinking, because you dont tell me. after about half an hour of this, going back and forwards, getting nowhere but tempers starting to flare. i said, babe, just say it! he really thought he was talking to me about his thoughts, but he wasnt. and he didnt even realsie that he wsnt. so in the end, i shut up! i said nothing. it took 10 minutes or so, but finally he started trying to express himself in words. it was hard for him, he struggled to get them out, but i just repeated, just say it, what ever you are thinking say it! i know this sounds confusing, but that how it really was, he honestly thought he was telling me what he thought in words, but he wasnt. so each time he would say, you dont listen to me, i would say, but you dont say anything. argghhhh it confuses me!! lol. but we are getting there.

as an after thought, he was brought up in a family that never talked about emotions. he was never told 'i love you" by his own mother, they never really bonded as a family. they all led their own lives from a young age, didnt rely on each other for moral support, and still dont. his father left when he was 2 and he has never known him since, and his mother passed when he was 24. he is almost 30 now and i am almost 38. i was raised completely opposite to that. i was, and still am, close to my family, especially my mother. i wear my heart on my sleave, there isnt much the people closet to me dont know about me, partner included. so for him, he was never taught how to communicate, for me it is easy. but like i said, he/we are getting there, we both want to be together so we are prepared to work at it, what ever it takes.

After I told my H about my affair, he began his own couseling. I went to our local mental health center (after being suicidal). It's free since I am a teacher, but I don't know that I would call it counseling. I really don't think I began making some kinds of progress until we began marraige counseling and I was able to actually talk to someone about things instead of getting "practical coping skills." I didn't need coping strategies, I needed to talk and figure out how I could do such a thing. I am glad my meds are so cheap and that I can see a pdoc for free, but I wouldn't reccommend a public mental health facility if you truly need counseling. Sorry, I don't know how I got on that. I guess my point is, yes, the cheater definietly should get some counseling - just make sure its good counseling

Teepee,
10 minutes! You are patient! My husband tells me the same thing. I dont let him talk, I read his mind, I tell him what he is thinking. It must be really hard for them to speak. i will try to be quiet and allow him time to think but it is excruciating.

It's strange that all of you say that your spouses are non-communicators. Lurioosi could talk a circle around anyone, but she never said anything. She was always terrified to say the truth. I was always a bit too truthful. It has been so hard for my wife to learn to communicate. Some days, she does well. Other days she just can't say what she needs to say. Strange that they seem to have trouble communicating. I wonder if they had learned to communicate, would things be different? I don't know.

WE are going to counseling together and before the truth came out he was also seeing the same counselor for individual therapy, right now I am seeing her for individual and together with him. Once the initial crisis passes with me she wants to go back to seeing him alone. He says (and I have been there) when things are hard- it's hard for all of us to face our flaws- but he also knows that for him to EVER have a healthy relationship he has to do this. And he has to face the hurt and pain, mine and his.

thank you for your replies. My H communicates well. Actually too well sometimes. Just not about the reasons he did this. Maybe there really is no reason it just happened as so many have told me. That is fine but I feel that there are still issues within him that really need to be worked out. Issues that only he could know, talk about, and want to resolve. He just does not believe he needs to do this. I don't believe that someone can change the day I found out about the affair.

thats right. until he WANTS to talk about it, he wont. a good councellor will have methods of coaxing these things out of him, without him feeling threatened or intimidated. and once he has it all out in the open, he will feel so much better. but i guess some people are like that, cant express them selves for whatever reason. i know for myself, i just have to ask myself what i really want, look deep inside myself and i have my answer, then i cant ignore it.
hope things work out for you. take care