Not looking for sympathy or excuses, I just need to put this out somewhere.
Im a 29 year old guy. I've been with my partner solidly for about 3 years. I love her, I have absolutely zero reasons to justify what I did. She's insanely good to me, and she trusts me.
And frankly, I took advantage of that trust. She knows that I was an escort before we got together, and in some desperate moments when I needed the cash I took a few gigs here and there. But I had stopped it for a while.
But I fell into cheating on her. It happened in December, January, February and once in May, and it's done for good now. I didn't plan to have an affair, I just told myself that if anybody seduced me or offered, I wouldn't fight it because life is short, or I gave myself the bullshit line that my girlfriend would be okay with it, that she wouldn understand, or some other excuse. But deep down, i knew that if that were true I would have had the courage to tell her then. But I didn't. A friend from my past came into my life. We both went thru emotional shit at the time. I made my decision selfishly
I'm not gonna lie. i got off on the thrill of hooking up with another person. But now I just feel painful guilt. I don't want to lie to my girlfriend anymore, so I'm terrified, but I don't want to go on with her in the dark. I, rightfully, feel like a heartless scoundrel for this. And I can't go on with her believing I'm trustworthy and faithful. I can't hide the truth anymore, it's too painful.
So I'm the biggest fool in history. I had everything perfect and I could have just communicated. But I've thrown that trust away. I'm angry at myself because of how selfish I was, because of my lies, and because she's been living without a clue about any of it.
So I might be a single man by the end of the day, and I would understand if my partner dumps me over this. It's the last thing I want. I'm willing to go to couples counselling, I'm willing to take punishment, I'll do whatever it takes if my girlfriend will give me a final chance to let me fight for us, to let me win back her trust, however long it takes.
But deep down I know I don't deserve that forgiveness. I know she would be justified to end it. And at this point it's just the uncertainty that scares me the most. False hope I'm giving to myself that things will just work out, when everything I've done seems to suggest I don't want it.
I suppose I have to accept the choices I made brought me here. I have to face the consequences whatever they are and I can't live with myself if I can't be honest with my woman. She is my salvation. She always will be. Whatever happens I know that every moment I've had or will have with her are the finest, wholest moments of my life.
At least I can start to be honest, and maybe the knots in my stomach will untie. I don't know
Had a hard craving and briefly gave in and looked at porn. Stopped myself and said no, Not today. Trying to breathe and not get discouraged. Disappointed I gave in, but trying to feel good about stopping. 2 weeks today. Want to keep this going.
Day Seven is when I blew it last time. Today is day 6 and I fully expect an onslaught this weekend. Of course, my accountability partner is out of town. But hopefully he will still have a cell signal at the retreat where their family is. I will post an update on Monday!