Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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deleted_user 12/03/2007

I am going to appolizie for the length of this post.
I still don't know why this happened. I can't explain it to my husband I have tried. Here's my story.At first it was inoccent flirting then it went farther and I can't explain why. About 8 months ago my hubby logged a cyber sex chat that took place between me and this guy I meant on a role playing game. I almost lost him. We went to counsleing but not sure if that really helped. I continued to talk to this guy, not sure exactly why. I was going through a lot of stuff with my husband, he doesn't like to help around the house, i manage all the bills and the 3 kids as well. I don't work so he expects me to take care of everything else and doesn't seem to understand the I need help too.I told him I was trying to find a way to deal with everything and wanted to be in a fantasy land that i didn't have to deal with it all on my own. He is a great father and husband in every other way. I love him dearly and couldn't see myself without him. I myself don't even know the true reason behind me cheating on him. I have never meant him just back and forth emails and phone calls. I sent him so pictures and he sent me some as well. Not sure what made me do this. I have never thought of anyone else besides my husband. Well anyway the other day after about 6 months of everything going good between husband and me other than throwing it at me a few times, he found an email that i sent this other guy. I wanted to stop communicating with him, but it was his bday so I sent him a card to be nice, big mistake, he emailed me and asked for my # so I gave it to him and at the closing of the email I put i love you. Well my husband found this email and went nuts. We are ok now talking but he keeps bringing it up and wants answers and all I can tell him is I don't know why it happened and that I sent him that email and card because I was a nice person and was going to end it once and for all but wanted to tell him on the phone. I am sorry this is so long first time I actually put it in words. I am now concerned that my marriage is going to end and that I will lose everything. I guess I am just looking to talk to someone about this and maybe get some guideance in what to do with my situation.
thanks for listening
Jenny

bigguy3 12/03/2007

I'm sorry that you are going through this ... but the excuse that "I don't know why, it just happened", is something you say when you have not searched very hard to figure things out. There is ALWAYS a reason.

Something was missing in your marriage and you decided to search for it outside of your marriage. Your husband may not have listened to the 'hints' you gave that you were not happy. Most of the time, hints don't work. You need to break out the big lumber and smack him with it and say "Hey!!, I'm not happy here and I feel something is missing and if you don't listen to me, I am concerned that I may search for what is missing somewhere else." Contacting this guy again after you had been caught haveing an emotional affair over the internet was a BIG mistake. You need to break all contact with this guy. A fundamental trust that is SUPPOSED to exist in a marriage has been broken. ANY contact you have with the person you cheated with will re-open the wounds ... regardless of whether it was innnocent or not. When trust has been broken it is something that has to be earned back. The person that was cheated on has been hurt more than you realize. The innocent b-day e-mail was the equivalent of stabbing him with a knife and reaffirms in his mind that you can NOT be trusted. Why would anyone want to be married to someone they can't trust?

My advice is to be completly honest with yourself and your husband and tell him EXACTLY what it is you feel is missing in your marriage. Until you are honest, the pattern will repeat and trust will never be built.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

It's pretty easy to fall in love with a fantasy guy that doesn't have to put up with the drudgery of being married. It would take one heck of a special husband to put up with your behaviour at this point. The ball is in your court and it's up to you to fix things. You may have had some leverage to criticize your husband's behaviour before your indescretions but not now. You have to ask yourself if you want to accept the man exactly the way he is or are you willing to take a chance with your fantasy man?

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Jenny you are not alone on this one, I cheated a few times over the course of my marriage as well. I was married for 38 years, the first few years were pretty rough for us, my x and I were very young when we got married I was 16 and he was 17, and yes we had to get married, but we really loved each other. I was raped at the age of 14, by my x brother in law, and that took a toll on my marriage , even though it was a long time ago,Then about 10 years ago I met this person online, and he was a very good listener, i had gone through some really hard times, my husband was an alcoholic, he had an affair, and I just wanted someone to talk to, and the om was there. I even went as far as meeting him one time, and then I let it go for a long time, I had no contact with him for about 9 years, this guy was married at the time also, and she was always there when we talked, so i can't really say that was an affair, but my x didn't see it that way, but anyway over the course of that 9 years this other guy got divorced, and we started talking again, and just having someone who would listen to you was a good feeling. I really loved my husband, but I was lonely, and after awhile of talking to this guy, I just decided one day to pack up and leave my husband, and I moved down to where this other guy lived, and I was there for 3 months. I was still keeping in contact with my husband as well, and then my husband came down and got me, and I came home, I knew at that time being with my husband was really where I wanted to be. I never slept with this other guy, but it didn't matter to my husband, he was very hurt, but I thought after awhile we would be ok, that went on for about 6 years, then he started leaving me for months at a time, and then he came back, that went on for about a year and a half, and then he filed for divorce, my divorced was final this past August. My advice to you is, if you really love him, don't play with his feelings, because, even though you hurt him, you will end up being the one that hurts, believe me, don't play with fire, because you WILL get burnt, I did, and I'm a total mess

deleted_user 12/03/2007

My husband keeps telling me that he "wasn't thinking" when he called and texted the OW. To me this is a bullshit cop out. He knows why he did it he just won't admit it to me.

In your case, I'm with Bigguy3, maybe something was missing in your marriage, but that is no reason to put your husband and kids at risk of losing you to a stupid mistake. Something made you want to do this. You just have to be honest with the answer.

Sorry if this sounds a little bitter, but this is just my opinion.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

I totally understand where you're coming from, but I totally agree with bigguy3, too, that you must break ALL contact! I admit that I had a difficult time breaking contact with my OM, too! Maybe it's the attention we like, making us feel special, someone telling us how nice we are etc. Well, we ARE special, even if we don't hear it from someone else. We need to know that about ourselves, and don't expect to hear it from anyone else, let alone someone who is NOT our spouse! What I've learned is that if you truly want to break off contact with the OM, and save your marriage, you really should turn your attention to something else (reading, watching a TV series, exercising, painting your house). For me, it was (and is) renewing my relationship with God, and reading lots of self-help books!! Do anything that will get your mind on something more constructive than the OM!! Then, also focus on doing things to truly help you in your life and your marriage. It helped me to go back to counseling, and really be HONEST with my counselor about how I felt! The first time MH and I went to counseling, I wasn't completely honest because I was still e-mailing the OM. I was too afraid to admit that I had backslid, too! I knew if MH knew, he might leave me for sure. I now realize I should have been going to individual counseling to work on my own issues BEFORE going to couples counseling. I believe contacting the OM is similar to a drug habit - at least it was for me. You just love those warm fuzzy feelings that you might not be getting from your husband. Well, if you value your marriage, and want it to work out, you have to do what's right, and stay away from the OM! Find a person to be accountable to, and/or visit your counselor to help you understand if you have past issues that may have caused you to stray. I used to say the same things - I don't know, but through counseling I'm finding the answers to that question, so now I DO know. Also, knowing more of these answers has empowered me, and helped me to stay away! Our situations sound very similar, so I hope some of what I said might help you.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Thank you all so much for your advice. Now that I have read and re-read my post and your posts I can see that there was something missing. I plan on making things better, I just need to get my husband to believe me because he doesn't think there was anything wrong even though I was doing it all on my own. Some days I felt like I was a single parent, getting him to even changing the youngest was murder. Although some things have gotten better there are still alot of issues we have to deal with. IE.. him doing more than just working outside the hosue. anyway thank you very much and I am glad I found this website to belong to. Hugs to you all

deleted_user 12/03/2007

You need to take some very clear & positive steps now to save your marriage.

Get rid of that PC. Promise your H that you will never log onto a computer ever again.

If texting was part of the affair then bin that phone for 6 months or so to demonstrate your willingnes to make it work.

There may be others as well, the key thing is to take drastic measures to ensure no repeats.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Well, if she got rid of her PC, she'd never gets the benefits of people here on DS to help her out!! What I did was give MH user names and pws to all my e-mail accounts. I'm a computer tech, so I even showed him some other tricks to "check up" on me, if he wanted to - like checking Internet History, temporary cache files etc. It doesn't take a computer wiz to know these things, but in sharing this info with him, it was my first step in building the trust. I still have a LONG way to go, though!!

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Hello Jenny,
My heart goes out to you - don't feel so badly about your on line activities - it's only natural to feel some resentment when you're "carrying the load". And role playing is so much fun ! I've been where you are now, and in all honesty have never really found the answer. But be kind to yourself ...we're only human.

deleted_user 12/04/2007

We had a nice long talk last night and I think we will be able to recovery from this. Its going to be a long rocky road for us but I believe our love will prevail for us. I promised him that I would make things 100% better than before. I know that he will have to question things I do and that he will have to check up on me but I am willing to have this as long as I have my husband. I just wish I could take everything back that I have done to him but since I can't I am determined to make everyday better than the last. Although I still can't figure out why or what went wrong that made me stray but I know to communicate more and even if he doesn't listen to my feelings or agree with me I just need to keep letting him know. I have cut all strings with the other guy, I will NEVER have contact with him again and I sent him an email stating that I never wanted to hear from him again. I think it will make it easier to rebuild our marriage becuase 1. the guy lives in texas 2. I never meant him and was never with him physically. I am going to remain loyal and I am going to the best damn wife/lover/best friend to my husband! And I am glad that I found this board and feel like I belong and can express myself and share with others my issues.
thank you all so much

deleted_user 12/04/2007

That's great, Jenny! I know you and your husband will get through this. Please know that I will be here to support you, if you need a friend!

deleted_user 12/04/2007

Jenny, I wish you the very best of luck...I am the wife of a cheater so I am more on your husbands side so please understand me :-) You should not have been a nice person to this man by sending him a Happy Birthday wish, you should have left it alone. Are you a nice person to your husband? My thinking if you had been so weak on line what would happen if you had ever come face to face, f*** him in the parking lot? You need to get a hold of your feelings and figure out what you want and need, but please don't be cruel to your husband, please don't lie to him.If you two truely love each other he will help you.

deleted_user 12/05/2007

reading this was like dejavu. i hear this crap on a daily basis. i feel sorry for your husband, because we're in the same boat right now. and you SHOULD be afraid that you'll lose it all. did you ever once think of the effect that your online "fling" was going to have on your kids? neither did my H. now i have to break up my kids' happy family. if you, like my H, would have just opened up and TALKED about what was missing in the relationship maybe all of this heartache couldv'e been avoided. try and put yourself in your H's shoes and see how that feels for a day.
not to be mean but, i think your H should been the one seeking out support. hopefully he is. to me it sounds like you are looking for sympathy for the problem you have created. and now have to own up to it. but i am not trying to be a bully, its just i know first hand how your H feels right now.
sorry for the way things are, but this could have been avoided, just like my situation. maybe marriage counseling will help both of our relationships. don't know, though. these are scary times for me too.

deleted_user 12/06/2007

H and I did talk, more like he talks and I listen. I have tried to let him know how things are but he is blind when it comes to this. He thinks that because he works fulltime and I don't that I need to do everything myself. I have tried and tried to talk to him about this but he just won't listen. I know this isn't an excuse for what happened but just wanted to defend myself about talking to him. And we tried thearpy, everything was said in there but nothing was changing at home. Now I can't even approach the subject of me doing everything because he will just throw this in my face and the fighting will start over again. So I am just doing what is expected of me and waiting for his forgiveness and hope in the end our love will overcome everything.
thanks for your advice.

deleted_user 12/06/2007

I understand how you feel about doing EVERYTHING at home! When I was a stay at home mom, MH expected this of me, as well, and NO, I didn't like it one bit! Now that I'm working outside the home, I STILL do a majority of the housework. More recently, the tables have turned. He's been unemployed for almost 6 months. Yes, he now does most of the cooking, and he does do some cleaning, too, but I don't expect him to do it ALL. Marriage is about give and take. However, if your spouse isn't willing to give, you just have to learn to accept that. After 25 years of marriage, I've learned that it just isn't worth it to fight about who does what around the house, and/or with the children. My own father didn't truly understand or care about how much my mom did for our family, until after he retired. Now, he does ALL the work around the house because my mom can't anymore due to health problems. Does he complain about it? NO! They finally came to a point in their lives where they understand each other, and respect one another. It took them close to 40 years to get there, too! As far as your online affair goes, this really shouldn't have anything to do with that. In fact, right now, he'll probably end up being less helpful just because of what you did. That's another reason I try not to complain too much, even though it's putting a strain on our lives for him to be unemployed. I really have no room to complain, and I should just be happy that he hasn't thrown me out because of what I did in straying outside my marriage!! It may be tough, but just try to put on a happy face, and know that you have a very important job in taking care of those precious children and providing a good home for them to live in. I heard this the whole time my kids were little when I was complaining about all I had to do - "They grow up so fast". Well, now that 2 of my 3 children are in their 20s, I can see how that is so true, and I can honestly say that I miss those little faces that looked up to me when I was their whole world!! It won't be long when they'll be too busy with their own lives, and you'll be missing the life you have right now! Believe me, I KNOW, because I DO miss that life, now!

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